Cliche Ex-Wife Issue - Input Helpful
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| Tue, 02-15-2005 - 5:53pm |
My then-boyfriend's ex wife moved back into town about 8 months ago after her mother died. He's my fiance now. She and my SO kept in touch sporadically over the 4 years she has been in another state (they have been divorced for seven). After she moved home, she began hanging around with my SO's mother and sister, both whom she knew way before she met my SO, so I learned to deal with that. Then she started dating one of his good friends, which again we learned to deal with. I did my best to not feel like she was moving into my territory, and even set up a night with his mom, sister, and the Ex to meet for drinks, just to get to know her and make an effort for things not to be uncomfortable. She was just sweet as pie, complimenting me up and down and saying how happy she was for us. I was proud of myself for learning to co-exist in the same town with her, and I thought she was on the same page.
Things were quiet until we started hearing stories about my SO's ex making passes at my fiances brother in law. Even though she was good friends with his wife. Confused yet? She then proceeded one night at a party (I had gone home and my fiance stayed to play cards) to get very drunk and hang all over him to the point where he left. Her boyfriend was furious and made her call my fiance to apologize for her behavior. That was about 2 months ago, right after we got engaged. Since then I have heard stories of her telling people that my fiance calls her all the time, wants her back, etc. I trust him and don't have reason to believe any of it, given her past erratic behavior. Anyway I still didn't react and was not planning to until I saw her at a party a few weeks ago.
She acted all nice to me like she always does then proceeded to tell people at the party she felt sorry for me b/c my fiance still was in love with her, and i just got sick of it. I chose a bad place to confront her but I did it anyway. I know I shouldnt have lost my temper, but we just got engaged and I am angry that we have to deal with her. My fiance told her to cut the crap and stop lying, then she started crying and trying to get sympathy from people. I know I should be the better person here but now I feel like she is going to try and make me the bad guy for reacting. I know she is bad-mouting me to anyone who will listen. This situation is making me nuts, and although my fiance has been very supportive and his family has been too, I just don't know how to let this go.

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Well consider this a lesson learned. She was egging you on and you went for it, now you look like the bad guy. What you can do know is learn from this, if you are the bigger person others will eventually see through her (him and his family already do) and they will see you for who you really are too. How do you let it go? Just be patient and know that eventually what goes around comes around. Be as sweet back to her as you can (try to be sincere) and don't talk about her behind her back. What goes around comes around works for you to - if you are mature and friendly, it will pay off eventually.
Think of it this way, she *wants* you to hate her and be angry at her. If you turn it around and do the opposite (see the good in her and look past the bad), she will not get what she wants. Also, keep in mind you cannot control what she says or does (meaning you can't get her to stop lying), you only control how you react to her.
This was posted on another board and I think it's relevant here:
>>>"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)<<<
Edited 2/15/2005 6:22 pm ET ET by firstamendment
Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too.Ex Back In Town
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
All I have to say is that everyone will know it's a load of horse-hooey. After all, he's engaged to you, he's marrying you, and he's told her to bug off AND he left the party when she was being inappropriate. (Which I think is ABSOLUTELY wonderful of your SO. Most wouldn't have left. It says A LOT about what he thinks of you.)
So, do absolutely nothing about her. She will become persona non grata. If she is hitting on BIL she REALLY won't be around family functions. And if someone comes and tells you that SHE said XYZ, all you have to do is say is nothing. Just be like, well, she can say that if she wants. And if you see her and she says hi, nod and say hello. And if you want to be REALLY annoying (like if you and SO and she are at another party together) have So hold your hand, kiss your cheek, tell you that you look wonderful, and be generally nauseating. That will get her WAY quicker than going off will. And someone listening to her complain will look over at the two of you and wonder just how much she's had to drink. :)
Hang on there, Cameron, let's review the facts:
YOU
She came to town and you went out of your way to accept her and not make her status as your fiance's ex an issue,going as far as setting up a "girls night out" for the purpose of getting to know her.
SHE
Comes onto your fiance's brother who is married.
While in a drunken state comes onto your boyfriend at a party, to the extent that her boyfriend was furious and insisted she call to apologize.
Begins telling people that your fiance is calling her / still hung up on her and that she feels sorry for you.
YOU
So, you're upset because.....? What I see is that your fiance's family watched you welcome her and accept her, know she made passes at their daughter's husband. They most certainly know that she hung on your fiance as well and that she's been spreading lies about their son. She may fabricate any story she likes, but the stories of her antics are most certainly going to be spread by those who witnessed the event, and by those who witnessed her hanging on your fiance, making passes at her friend's husband, etc. Those who witnessed you and your fiance telling her off also witnessed (or have heard from those who did) her saying lousy things about you and him at that same party. Who do you think looks pathetic and in need of sympathy, you or her? She's making a fool out of herself and everybody knows it. The people that you know and care about know the truth and know how you've handled yourself up until this outburst. Remember too, it wasn't just you who went off on her, sounds like your fiance did too, so you're hardly alone. There will always be a few who'd rather believe the gossip than the truth, you can't change them and your outburst didn't affect their opinion one way or another.
I don't think you have much to be upset about, but I can understand you're being upset. I think more than anything else, time will make this seem less of an important and/or embarrassing event. On the grand scheme it wasn't so big, and it really wasn't you who's at the heart of this "scandal" anyway, it's her. You titled your post "Cliche Ex-Wife Issue", remember, she's the one who's the cliche, not you. The shame and humiliation are on her, not you. You're the victim here, not the perpetrator.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Lol Jen, good call!
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Oops! Wrong post -- sorry!
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/15/2005 11:15 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
First off, you were right to confront her under the circumstances you describe. it wasn't NECESSARY, but acceptable behavior.
Now, what you have to do is regroup and make sure that you don't fall into the trap she is setting for you.
You need to understand that the objective in coming on to your fiance was to cause a fight between you - only the FIRST step in the long-term plan to get him back (an ill-concieved one, no doubt, but a plan just the same). She anticipated that your anger would be directed at HIM - for not leaving with you, for "allowing" her to approach him. Luckily, this didn't happen. And your fiance's reaction, and that of his family, should make you not only happy but secure that no matter what she does next, it will fail.
So, when you start feeling like hitting back, remember that you've already won the first significant battle. Sit back now and smile, and let HER expend all her energy for nothing. What she will try to do is GET YOU TO REACT. She anticipates that if she succeeds in ticking you off, you'll respond in anger, do something mean spirited, and have to take the "bad guy" rap. Or worse, you'll start harpng about this to your fiance, giving her an opening in which to drive the wedge she wishes to put between you.
Don't let her bait you. Stay away from her. Agree with your fiance that if she appears at the home(s) of his family members while he is there, he will leave. Ask him to talk this over with all the possible relatives ahead of time, so they will know to expect him to do that. If it happens more than once, I can assure you that before he's out the door, they will ask her to leave instead.
Refrain from bad-mouthing her, especially to your fiance, as hard as it might be. When you're tempted, remember that she's doing a heck of a good job of it herself.
If she comes up in conversation, ask to change the subject. When she can't get a rise out of you directly, she will start saying things, counting on other people to repeat them to you. Again, don't take the bait. Say "Oh, gosh, the poor thing is really desperate now, isn't she? She says these things hoping you'll tell me and I'll get upset. Let's not let her manipulate us like that." I'll bet you anything your response will get back to HER, and she'll be dead in the water. And YOU'LL look like a paragon of virtue and kindness.
Luckily, you have a good base upon which to build - your fiance is supportive and committed to you. So, the best way to "get over it" is to see it for what it is and not play into her hand.
Good luck.
Lee M.
Thanks to you and all of you for the advice and supportive words. Sometimes it's hard to see the whole thing when you are in it, so outside advice is so refreshing. I am definitely determined to not let this bother me. AS for the family aspect, I definitely don't have to worry about her being around anymore, after all this, they have really just cut ties. It's hard for me to understand people with such motives - for me, as much as I have thought about being vindictive with exes, I just couldn't bring myself to ever do anything. I think I am just going to have to let her talk, and anyone who buys into it isn't someone I'd probably want to call a friend anyway.
You all made a great point, which was a theme in all your replies, not to take the bait. I think I am just very disappointed bc I really wanted to avoid this kind of drama (thanks for the link from months ago, 2nd Life, and for remembering me!) so I know I can sleep at night knowing I was secure enough in my relationship to reach out to her. I think my anger came alot from her basically taking that olive branch and throwing it in my face.
My fiance feels bad that we are going through this, but I have reassured him that people are very rarely the same people they were 12 years ago, some people grow up and start taking responsibility for their lives, and some don't. I think it bothers her that he has grown out of a somewhat destructive lifestyle and he credits his relationship with me for some of that. Even though I am not proud of my outburst, it could have been worse, I see now. I am one of those people who can really give the benefit of the doubt until someone deliberately tries to cause trouble for me, then this 5 foot 2 girl suddenly is a 6 foot truck driver. Not my finest moment, but at least she knows I know. Thanks again, I do feel better. Now if I can just find a security team for my wedding hahahaha
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