Co-dependency

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2013
Co-dependency
4
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 5:14pm

I recently married a man who has a co-dependent relationship with his mother. At first I thought he was just close with his family but the longer we have been married, the more I am seeing his personal identity was wrapped up in his parents. His father also recently passed away so his connection to his mother is a more delicate situation.

He calls his mom everyday and sees her on most days. She is at our house often and when we were looking for a home together one of the deciding factors on the house was that it couldn't be too far away from his mom. I do not share the same schedule as my husband and the days that he has off, activities most always include us and his mom somehow. His mother always needs his attention and I feel like her needs are met before mine.

Here's where it gets worse. Before we got married my husband told me he wanted to wait to have  sex until we got married. Even though I ultimately did not want to wait, I did at his request. Now that we are married we barely have sex. I have made advancements in the past such as surprising him with lingerie to which he made an excuse as to why he didn't want to have sex.

I don't feel emotionally attached to him at all and am questioning if he could possibly be gay. 

I'm at a loss and am wondering why we got married- what was his motivation to have a wife?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 11:05am

Is it possible that he could have a personality disorder or be someone on the Autism Spectrum?

Your DH could be compensating in a manner where he feels he comes off as normal, but accomplishing certain goals.  Like, getting married.  His lack of interest in sex could be more of not being capable of connecting with you physically or emotionally.  And his codependency on his Mother could be a coping mechanism, as they somehow did form a connection that he is dependent on.

 

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 9:00pm

Aprilseasock wrote:
<p>I recently married a man who has a co-dependent relationship with his mother. At first I thought he was just close with his family but the longer we have been married, the more I am seeing his personal identity was wrapped up in his parents. His father also recently passed away so his connection to his mother is a more delicate situation.</p><p>He calls his mom everyday and sees her on most days. She is at our house often and when we were looking for a home together one of the deciding factors on the house was that it couldn't be too far away from his mom. I do not share the same schedule as my husband and the days that he has off, activities most always include us and his mom somehow. His mother always needs his attention and I feel like her needs are met before mine.</p><p>Here's where it gets worse. Before we got married my husband told me he wanted to wait to have  sex until we got married. Even though I ultimately did not want to wait, I did at his request. Now that we are married we barely have sex. I have made advancements in the past such as surprising him with lingerie to which he made an excuse as to why he didn't want to have sex.</p><p>I don't feel emotionally attached to him at all and am questioning if he could possibly be gay. </p><p>I'm at a loss and am wondering why we got married- what was his motivation to have a wife?</p><p> </p>

How long did you date him before marrying him? His uber-closeness to his mother isn't something that sprung up 3 weeks ago--it had to have manifested while you were dating, so I don't get why you married him knowing this about him.  Did you think marriage was going to change something?  Marriage never changes a bad benhavior--it amplifies it.

I doubt he's gay. It sounds more to me like guilt of "betraying" his mother rather than being gay.

I think that he is overly dependent upon his mother and it could be the dysfunction of that family, which has been further amplified by the passing of his father.

I think that you should go ahead and file for divorce, since you say you dont' feel emotionally attached to him.  He was not emotionally ready to be married (whose idea was it to get married in the first place?)  I dont' understand why he thought putting you off until you were married before having sex was going to work once you were married--he just should have ended the relationship.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 10:06pm
While there could be other issues this is not good nor healthy. File for annulment now. Do not wait. Get out while the getting is good. Waste no more time on this.

Goldfish

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 9:00pm

I don't know about the gay part, but it sounds like you have more than one very major problem.  You say you are recently married -- how recently?  You say his father recently passed away -- how recently?  I can see how having a parent pass could cause some to become overly close with the other parent, getting into the habit of checking too often, feeling that you need to be there to keep them from being lonely could easily become a routine that you could find hard (guilt, worry) to break, and you may get resistence as that parent becomes dependant on your constant attention/companionship too, which compounds the difficulty of breaking away.  However, if you don't  break it you're tying yourself into a too close, too involved relationship with your parent and losing your own life at the same time.  The trick here is the person doing the overcaring has to recognize it and want to create more spacke/break away.  Have you discussed your concerns about the relationship between he and his mother with him?  If so, what is his position?  Were you with him to observe his relationship with his parents before his father died?  Was it close?  Too close?  In hindsight are you able to recognize issues that you didn't recognize at the time?

In regard to sex, was he affectionate prior to marriage?  Was there plenty of passionate activity that stopped short of sex?  I know you've tried the lingerie route, but have you talked with him about sex and the fact that you need more than you're getting?  I agree that the signs point to this not turning out well, but without actually communicating your concerns and needs you can't know what might be.  You have to communicate in order to make sure all is understood and to give your husband a chance to make right things that aren't right now.  Without knowing the concerns problems, he's not being given the opportunity to compromise/make changes.


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