common

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
common
6
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 11:00pm
i have a problem connecting with my DW it just seems like when we do things together the feeling is akward.like you know when there's a certain type of person you connect with right off the bat ( you have a type chemistry) well she's not one of them.(example we went vegas for 4 days and the last 2 of which we sat in our room because we couldn't find nothing we couldn't agree on doing and this type of thing happens alot)
when we do try to do things together i always think about other thing's i'd rather be doing. i guess my question is ,is this commonabilty something that should be forced(as professionals would say "worked at") if it's not there between us to begin with? quite honestly i don't how we stayed married for 22 yrs!she told me the other day the only real thing we have in common is sex and when that gone then what? a good question,but i had no answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ossawinnamakee43
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 3:39am

Welcome to the board, Ossawinnamkee43 ~


I assume it hasn't always been like this, right? You married because you had lots in common and enjoyed each other's company, yes? If that's true, I'd say you've done what's easy to do -- get involved in other things; work, kids, etc. and focused your time, attention and energies there, leaving your relationship on the back burner while you took care of more important things. The problem with that is that marriage takes time and attention to stay alive and healthy. By the time you take it off the shelf and dust it off you find there isn't much there. They say marriage takes work and time and attention is the kind of work they're talking about. When you think about it, what's really more important than your relationship with each other? Truth is, there will always be something that's "more important" or "can't wait". Case in point: I have friends who were totally focused on home and children, they'd not spent a night away without their kids since their birth. When their son was five, they left him with grandparents and went away for the weekend and made an agreement with each other not to talk about home or kids while they were gone. Sitting across from each other at dinner that first night they made a startling realization; they had absolutely nothing to say to each other. That brought them to the realization of how far they'd let their relationship go over those past five years and from then on made a conscious effort to keep connected with each other.


If that's true for you, then yes, I'd say it's not surprising that you find time together to feel awkward, stilted, or even uncomfortable. But, if you keep doing things together, you'll work through that and regain touch with each other. It takes effort and persistence, but you'll get there.


If letting your relationship go isn't what happened, let us know what the situation is so we can offer thoughts and solutions that fit your situation.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: ossawinnamakee43
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 10:33am

Why on earth couldn't you have said, why don't we go shoe shopping for X amount of time (if that was something she wanted to do) and then go to the driving range for X amount of time? INstead of sitting in your room for 2 days?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
In reply to: ossawinnamakee43
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:56pm

i'm sorry i didn't get back to you sooner, you asked couple of question in the begining of your post;the answer's are no and no.we fell in lust got married a year later worked hard ( differnt shifts ,didn't see much of each other for a few years) saved to buy our first home then came the kids worked harder bought our 2 home(bigger) working 12 hour days for 16 yrs now,still differnt shifts

my feeling is things are going to get worse before they get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ossawinnamakee43
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:23am

Clarification needed....


No, it wasn't always like this (your relationship)
No, you didn't marry because you had lots in common and enjoyed each other's company.


The first "no" seems to indicate that you did have a close relationship, the second "no" indicates the opposite. Are you saying you started out without much but lust between you and continued through the years with no real relationship?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
In reply to: ossawinnamakee43
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:21pm

sorry not getting back sooner; no we didn't have alot in common in the begining ( or the forced compatibility in the begining; were you do things to make the other happy)fact is we didn't take a vaction together in or 1 st ten years of marriage and we already had 2 kid's by then

it just seems when we go off( on a trip) now it has the feeling of akwardness like i really don't know how to act around this person like it's some kind of stranger

to make matters worse DW went to work on overnites ( nite shift) and i work 12 hour days so i only see her for about 10 minutes in the morning during the week before i head off to work and the bad part( could it get worse?) is i work alot of weekends when she's is off,i work.

i feel like i was put upon this earth just to make money, rise kids,grow old, and die

question is:how do we connect?

(feel like)I have a long row to hoe and i don't know if i have anybody in the field to help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ossawinnamakee43
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 2:33am
Well, obviously you can't build a connection if you're never together. If you're serious about becoming close, changes will have to be made to the current working situation. Can she switch her shift? Do you have to work weekends when she's off? Sitting down together and finding a compromise on your working situations is called for.


Feeling awkward, like you're with a stranger isn't anything new when you've spent a good amount of time not tending the relationship, we hear it with some frequency. What resolves that awkwardness and stranger feeling is enough time that the awkwardness isn't there and you no longer feel like strangers. Nothing but time, togetherness and communication will do that.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"