Communication about sex
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| Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:21am |
Hi there.. me and my boyfriend have been together now for six months and haven't had sex yet.. we both really want to but our main problem has been protection. Since I'm not very experienced and never have had a "real" sex life I want to be comfortable with that before going on the pill. So I know how my body works without any hormones. But he has a hard time wearing a condom, he says he doesn't feel anything.
So I want us to have a sex life with condom before I start on the pill. For him it seems like the only way to have sex is intercourse, and since we have had problems with that, we have tried and once he couldn't perform because of the condom and then I was too tight, it seems like he don't want sex at all because it still won't lead to intercourse.
I want to do other forms of sex so we get used to each other, intercourse isn't everything to me. But how do I tell him that? We have a hard time discussing sex, and it's quite hard to talk about feelings with him aswell... but besides that we have so much fun together but this little problem I think is slowly tearing our relationship.
I'm 21 and he 23. How do I bring this up?

Ok...I've got to be totally honest, your reasons for not going on the pill when you first start being sexually active make no sense to me whatsoever. Your body will not change from what it is now. What you know now is how it will stay. Postponing the pill will do nothing except exacerbate your risk of pregnancy.
However, all this aside, I'm inclined to question whether or not your relationship is ready for sex. Good communication skills are the #1 most important thing in a relationship. And they're also the #1 most important thing when you're sexually active. If the two of you can't communicate easily then perhaps he's not the right guy for you?
I agree with Aisha on all counts. Not only is what she said true, but the reason for wearing a condom these days is much more than for protection against pregnancy. Condoms are important to protect against STD's, many of which are lifelong problems as well as be fatal to you.
Like Aisha said, it seems to me that if your relationship isn't comfortable enough that you can talk about sex, you aren't ready to have it. I mean, if you're intimate enough to be sexual, your relationship should be evolved, strong and secure enough that you can talk about it. If it's not, you're not ready for sex!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
And you should always use a condom, no guy likes them, and they will always have some lame reason why, but you need to be protected. I conceived while on the pill and using a condom, so it can't stop everything, but you should take every precaution available to you.
If you are dead set against hormoanl birth control, you can try the contraceptive film, which I use and absolutely love. Or you could try a diaphragm, or the sponge. All should be used in addition to a condom. If they really are too tight, he can buy a bigger size. If he refuses to wear one, refuse to give it up. You are putting yourself at HUGE risks without it, not just pregnancy, but STDs and other things. I use non hormonal birth control becuase after the birth of my child, I was on the patch and it caused some issues for me. The Dr. told me it was more than likely from the residual hormones of pregnancy and together we decided that I needed something without any hormones so that I would feel like myself again. So whatever you decide to use, I recommend speaking to your OB/GYN first.
Has he had sexual relationships before? It almost reads as though he is upset that you won't give it up, which is a huge red flag to me. You should not do anything that you are not comfortable with.