Communication with his Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2013
Communication with his Ex
Sat, 10-26-2013 - 5:04pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. i love him to pieces, but I can't seem to curb my emotions when it comes to his ex girlfriend.

the backstory: when we first got together, his ex girlfriend was suicidal so he kept me a secret for a little over a year. During this year, he spoke to her once a week and would help her emotionally and one time, even financially. he opened up to me and shared with me how life with her was in their ten year relationship. She was suicidal, he had to hide knives, she once came at him with one, she was jealous making him incapable of working with women, she was lazy and never worked, she was never intimate with him, she never went on holidays with him, etc. He said there were good things about her as well, like she was kind and caring. I felt hurt that he was hiding me and also confused as to why he continued to want a connection to her. I have had emotional outbursts and have flew off the handle on many occasions Making it very difficult to have a normal relationship. Ther contact is very limited now between them, and she knows now about me, but there are times that she still comes to him in need and asks for his help, wether it's to play guitar on his album or she simply needs emotional support. I forbid him and I get made the one that is controlling, jealous, and restrictive. He doesn't see the harm in talking to her once in awhile. How can I let thIs go? I can't seem to deal with it at all.

help! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 10-26-2013 - 6:31pm

I think there is obviously some guilt there because if the exGF didn't have psych problems he would probably just cut off communication.  Now he is worried that if he says no to her, she'll commit suicide and then he will always blame himself.  This isn't a good dynamic because he should not feel that he needs to be responsible for her for the rest of her life.  What he should really do is point her toward professional help in a kind way and tell her that she needs to move on because he is not her BF any more.  However, you certainly aren't getting anywhere by "forbidding" him from talking to her.  You aren't his boss or parent so all you can really do is tell him how you feel and that you would like it if he found a way to cease contact with her.  By forbidding contact, you really are being controlling of him and jealous.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 2:10am

He isn't responsible for her, her life, her suicidal tendencies, or any other of her crazy behaviors.  However, he's allowing her to lean on she does.  If he wanted to be out of her life, he would be.  He doesn't want to be.  In fact, it seems he likes the craziness.......because now he has two of you!  You need to understand that he comes as a package, and if you can't take the situation, then you need to move on.  You can't forbid him to do anything, in fact you couldn't if you were married to him.  He's not going to let her get used to her claims on him, or get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 9:40am

How can you let it go? Let him go, so you'll be free to be with someone who doesn't have a monkey on his back. I don't care how cute, nice, sexy, fun he is. He is not worth staying in a relationship with, because he's not willing to just say no for the sake of having a healthy relationship with you. You are in a frustrating, depressing situation. Don't expect things to improve. It's been two years and he's still involved in her life. You have to expect that this will continue for the rest of their lives. You can't control what other do. You only have control over yourself. Do yourself a lifechanging favor and say, "I'm worthy of someone who makes me a priority and takes into account my feelings. I deserve someone who isn't emotionally involved with another woman." 

It's not an easy mission to find a good man in this day and age, but it's possible when you make it your goal. The trick is to cut a man off when he doesn't meet your main needs, so you can continue the search. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 8:26pm
My reply is short and sweet. I agree with musiclover12. You can't control any other person but yourself. Forbidding him from talking to her pushes him away from you. All you can do is tell him of your feelings and suggest that the best way to help his exGF is to point her to professional help.