Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Confused
1
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 9:31pm
I just wanted to thank the people who responded my previous post. First of all, I was never married to my ex and second of all my present husband is the father of both my children. I learned a lot from your responses. I really appreciate your honesty. Now, I have thought about the situation and this is what I came up with: I have decided that I will need to sort things out and in order for me to do that, I would need to get away from home. I mean, a day or two with just my kids and my mother with me staying in a quiet place where I can do some more thinking. I have never decided or thought about leaving my husband and go straight with my ex-bf. My husband and I left Hawaii to California to see whether our life here together will get better and maybe get away from my mother-in-law. It got better in the beginning for about a year, and thereafter he has been very cold to me and the kids. Ever since Jacob(my second son) was born, things has gotten worse. Our communication has gotten even worse when my own mother came to live with us to help out with the kids. Five months before my mother got here, I repeatedly asked him if he would agree to have my mother come and live with us. He consistedly said yes so I thought I would take my mother to came and help us with the kids. He has been so cold to me and he said it once that I no longer pay attention to him. As a matter of fact, I would always asked if we could make love tonight or tomorrow morning before he goes to work and his answer was always the same "I'm tired or your mother/kids will hear us". I even purposely undress in front of him in the bathroom but he doesn't seem interested at all. I had asked him a lot of times if I wasn't attracted to him anymore and he would always say "don't be silly". I guess I jump on the gun so fast when we first married but I thought I could work things out, so I let the years go by. I concentrated on finishing my nursing degree so that way I would be accepted by his mom having a good education. I guess I was never good enough for her son because mo matter what I do I was never what she wanted from a dtr-in-law. He is a "mamas" boy and my mother-in-law hated me from the beginning because I took her baby away. And as the years go by, I noticed that I have become more irritable and so angry that I rather go to work than staying home when he is around. As if I feel more relax at work that I am at home. I tried including my husband with my kids activities like going to the park together, but he has no patience at all because not even five minutes he is already restless and wanting to go home. Once we get home, he go straight to the computer. When the nights come, I tried saying goodnight and try to kiss him but he would either shrug me off and make a sound that makes me feel like I'm bothering him. I think I have tried to communicate with him but he doesn't wanna let me in. I used to can read his mind but lately, it's been so hard because our communication has been disrupted. I used to think that it's because of the "war" that was making him like that(he is in the military reserve) but the war is over now. We also recently vacationed in Hawaii to celebrate my second son's first b-day and so I thought we would have a little privacy together since we stayed in a hotel, but he spent all his time with the mother. I feel that I have tried every possible way to communicate with him and nothing seems to work. I even tried asking him whether he would agree to have counseling but he flatly said"NO". Is there any other trick in the book I haven't tried? I am so unahppy with this marriage and I don't know how to get out of it, or am I having mix emotions that I need to work on. Am I to selfish to ask for a divorce and if I am, is there any other way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: judelynrn
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 5:12pm
Your husband has emotionally distanced himself. He does not share intimacy of any kind with you, so effectively you are not in an active emotional marriage. You are still in the legal one, though.

Good luck on taking some time away to think. You should consider asking your husband if he is happy with the marriage the way that it is now. Ask him if he would like to consider separation or divorce. Then give him some time to ponder it and respond.

Many married people, although not happy, do not want to divorce because they fear it. Fathers may not wish to become ever-other-weekend Dads. Many fear going back to dating and the lonely single life. Some people fear all change.

If your husband tells you he does not want a divorce, then let him know what you will need from him if he wants to keep working on the marriage. Think about your conditions. What will you ask him for? Set specific requirements. Then give him a chance to consider, and maybe he will communicate some needs as well. Again, good luck.