Confused. considering a 'break'

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Confused. considering a 'break'
8
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 4:01am

Okay, I've been with this guy for more than a year now. He's usually very caring and understanding and has supported me through tough times. But over time Ive realised he has a bit of an ego and this is something he warned me of before. It's not very prominent. It's just that he can never do what I say and he never realises his mistakes. We go through a lot of quite serious fights every once in a while.He goes through frequent mood swings and he always chooses to display his sullen mood to me while appearing to be quite cheerful with others. I guess that shows he's honest about his feelings with me and doesn't put on a fake smile for me but it's quite bothering at times because no matter how much I try to cheer him up he just doesnt feel better.

Anyway during one of his mood swings, he just snapped at me for no reason and said some things that really hurt a lot. He was very insensitive and he didn't think about my situation before saying them. He knows that I've been going through some personal problems but when he's angry he just loses control. His words really hurt me. Most of the time, when I get mad at him for something I dont feel like confronting him so I walk away. He then gets angry because I walked away. And he never apologises to me after a fight. I just let go and move forward. But it's really hard for me to do so. I sometimes wish he would just admit to his mistakes or say sorry.

Every time I just feel so depressed that I stop all forms of contact with him for a while. And then when I feel like Ive had enough space to recover I talk to him again. This thing doesnt really work because no matter how long I stay without calling or speaking to him, he handles it and doesnt attempt to contact me until I make the move. That's his ego winning again. This time I just didnt want to do that. I don't think I can get over it like other times on my own. I've been talking to him normally but not as more than friends. It's like a break but I didnt say that to him directly. But Im scared this break thing will make it worse and his ego will get in the way. I don't want to lose him. Im just very disappointed and I'm tired of making up even though I'm the one who is hurt. I want him to realise it's his mistake and apologise. But I don't know what to do. Please give your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 9:55am

Sounds like he suffers from depression. My ex acted the same way--pleasant to others, and angry and defensive with me when the situation didn't even warrant such intense emotions. So much drama within the first year. With so little time invested and a preview of the rest of your life together, don't you think it's time to throw in the towel and find someone with whom you can live a happy life with? You don't want to lose him because you apparently care for him, but caring and love are never enough in a relationship. Find someone who treats you the way you should be treated. When I met my boyfriend, we discussed rules. We said that we would not call each other names in arguments because it's disrespectful, hurtful, and causes bitterness to build up. We have stuck to that rule. I'm a much happier person now that I've found someone who isn't always angy and defensive. Don't settle. Keep on searching for a man who is worthy of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 3:29pm
So you're hoping he'll "change". But from what you wrote, he doesn't seem to think he's doing anything wrong, so why do you think he'll "change"? He has no motivation to "change" because you have always accepted his behavior.

Never stay with a man because you hope he'll "change" especially if he doesn't think he's wrong. You can either accept him the way he is (without complaints) or you can leave him. There's really no third choice.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 4:12pm

You said:

>He goes through frequent mood swings and he always chooses to display his sullen mood to me while appearing to be quite cheerful with others

>He was very insensitive

>he never apologises to me after a fight.

>I'm tired of making up even though I'm the one who is hurt. I want him to realise it's his mistake and apologise

but you also said

>He's usually very caring and understanding and has supported me through tough times.

It sounds like he'll be a good friend to support you but as a romantic partner?

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 5:34am

Welcome to the board, Myskinna_aa ~

First off, I disagree with you.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 12:28am

Thanks a loy EVERYONE for your input :)

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 2:40am

Myskinna, while I understand he may have been great to you in the beginning, but that's no longer the case.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 5:30am

Thank you, 2nd_life. Your advice has really helped a lot. I did read that article. It's very good advice, I have to say. I think I'm prepared to let go now completely. I don't really understand why all things end this way. But there's nothing we can do about it, I guess.

I will speak to him about it as soon as possible. My last relationship was more depressing and I was really anxious to end it and relieved when I was. This time, I just feel very bad. But I'm going to keep your suggestions in mind and move on.

Thanks a lot to everyone. I had no one to share my problem with. I don't know how I would have done if I hadn't found this place.

~Myskina

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 2:20pm

Myskinna, in speaking to him, do remember that this is about YOU, not him.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_