Confused? I don't know

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Confused? I don't know
7
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 1:46am

Why is it that the things that endear you to a man when you're dating and first married....become the most irritating things in your life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 7:32pm

Sounds like you have something between "grass is always greener" and "buyer's remorse."

You have grown one way, he has not, and now you are wondering if you could do better than him....someone more sophistiocated and more professional.....probably like the spouses of your colleagues.

Anyways just be careful where you go with this. Couple of things to consider while you are dreaming of all the possibilities...

1) Things may always not be so rosy for you....what if you lost your professional job and had trouble finding another one.....and your loyal blue collar husband was by your side, continuing to work and provide and support you....then he doesn't look so bad.

2) What happens if you divorce him and then meet someone that seems more sophisticated. He is a real charmer, everybody loves this guy, he is amnbitious and successful, except....later you find out he is very critical of you and your background, your family, and you feel you have trouble being as sophisticated as him....also like a lot of ambitious and successful men he loves the attention of pretty women and the satisfaction of sexual conquest and you suspect he is cheating (this option might also be know as Karma)

3) You divorce this blue collar guy and marry a guy that seems more sophisticated and succesful. After a couple of years he burns out, quits his job and decides to sit at home while you work. Later he decides he is tired of the rat race and gets a job working with underprivledged children that pays 20K per year.

S*** happens in life, good and bad and you need to be with someone that can stand by you during both. Money, sophisitcation, and success are not subjective terms.....my advice is if you have a guy you love, that loves you and treats you well then build on this vs. try to start over, cause you have the most important pieces already in place irrespective of what life throws at you.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 12:02am

Ah yes, that old "flip side of the same coin". Women marry men who they admire for their quietness later complain that "my husband never talks to me!", and the list goes on and on. IMO, anything that's a big constant is something that should be looked at very seriously, and a question that should be asked is "can I live with that for the rest of my life?" It sounds like you're not entirely fed up with it, he still makes you laugh, you just wish it wasn't so much a part of him, which, as you already know, it is.


What you've described sounds like a lot of growing changes, as Orangecuse suggested. These may be "your" problems, but since they affect your relationship and your marriage, they affect both of you, and that makes them problems for both of you. Does your husband know that these things are problems for you? I'm wondering how he feels when he's in "your" crowd; it seems likely that he'd feel out of place and uncomfortable. Do you know what he thinks about being in your circle? Is he willing to expand his knowledge or experiences to attempt to acquire a taste for the things you've come to enjoy? Have you worked towards any kind of compromise? Have you considered seeing a couples counselor? I think that would be a really good move.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:03pm

ivil_jsmomma,


How do you reconcile this??

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 10:34am

You're all right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:09pm

Maybe I'm wrong, but if what you're suggesting is that you should suck it up, paste a smile on your face and go on as though you're thrilled, I don't agree, and I don't think it'll work.


Sure, there are lots of good qualities in your guy and of course, you don't want to end your marriage. But acknowledging that some things could be shaken up a bit, changed a bit, isn't out of the question and certainly isn't unreasonable. We all change with time, why is it out of the question to address some of the issues you have with him and see if he isn't willing to make some changes and adaptations. Jokes for instance; after all this time he surely knows what you think is funny and what you don't, why not save the jokes he knows you won't appreciate for his friends, and you do the same? There's nothing wrong with smiling politely and saying, "That's really not my taste in humor". He'll


When he's with your friends, is he uncomfortable with them? Do they include him or do they look down on him? If they accept him and he's comfortable with them, I'd say your concerns about the difference is something that isn't a concern to anyone but you, and if that's the case, it's yours to deal with.


Some of the answer will depend on how long you've been unhappy about this, is it a recent funk you're in that you'll come out of on your own or have you been unhappy in these areas for a long time? If it's a long time, then I'd say something needs to change.


If you feel like seeing a marriage counselor to shake some of the funk out of your marriage and clean up the rough edges is appropriate, do it! Being proactive is a good thing, seeing a counselor doesn't have to mean your marriage is on the rocks. If you feel this is your issue, see a therapist on your own. Taking a look at your own life, and your satisfaction in it might be just what you need. A marriage workshop weekend might be just what you're looking for too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:11am

I don't think it's a matter of sucking it up so much as it is accepting him for who he is, you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:18am

From what you've said, it does sound like it's more you than how he's actually received by others.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"