confused- need advice quick
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confused- need advice quick
| Fri, 07-07-2006 - 4:12am |
Hopefully someone is still awake and can provide some insight. I am a thirty something recent postdoctoral fellow happily married for twelve years who recently began mentoring a young 22-year old graduate student. We work together daily for at least eight hours in the lab and occasionally meet after work to play tennis. I played often while an undergrad and intended to continue but couldn't keep a persistent partner. Neither my friends nor my husband were interested and so I soon stopped playing.. but missed it. So when this student invited me to join him one evening , I could barely resist. I have since been spending more time with him and discovered that despite our age difference we have a lot in common. I began to regard him at first, as one would a younger sibling. I believe that he looks up to me as a mentor and a friend. But now I find myself disturbingly attracted to him and his attentions more appealing than they should be. Nothing improper has ever been discussed nor intimated. He has always been very respectful, yet I am growing more uncomfortable in his presence. Though both my husband and I have been busy working on our careers, we do take time to spend with each other. Our interests differ, I am more athletic and enjoy the outdoors while my husband prefers more sedentary activities. Yet we have so many other things in common that we pursue together, shared values, philosophies. This cannot be due to insufficient time spent with my spouse. I cannot understand where this reaction to this young grad student comes from and am loathe to bring this up with friends, as I am wracked with guilt for feeling this way yet at the moment feel uncertain of how to behave and worried as to what this means.. Can anyone give me some advice.. anything please... we have to work together for however long it takes for me to complete my research as I am not able to just leave and ignoring him will be extreme.. I have reduced the number of times we meet after work, feigning being too busy or making plans with the husband who incidentally thinks I am becoming too 'needy'. I am confused as this awareness both intrigues and scares me. Please help!

Loveling, would it help to know that begin attracted to - or having a crush on - someone other than your spouse at one time or another is completely normal? The fact is, we're married, not dead. We still have preferences, traits that appeal to us, and when they're in the form of someone new, there's the excitement/interest appeal too. The thing our attraction isn't really fair because while we know full well what our husband (and wives) traits, faults and bad points, we don't know the faults and bad points of our crush. It's easy to *assume* or fantasize that a relationship with them would be *perfect*, fault free. The truth is, in a real relationship we'd soon find that they do indeed have faults and traits we would not at all be happy with. But, on the outside, it's purely a "grass is greener" kind of situation. More information than you asked for or needed, sorry!
I think you're doing exactly the right thing. You've recognized it and have taken steps to ensure that it won't go further. Making a conscience effort to keep a physical distance is smart, when you can. You might find the physical presence of having a table or desk between you is helpful, I personally have found personal barriers like that have helped me feel a "safer" distance.
Don't beat yourself up over this, it's bound to happen. It's not that the attraction occurs that's the telling point, it's what you do about it. And it seems to me that you're doing everything right.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"