Considering a final try.
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| Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:52pm |
I am considering another attempt at my old relationship. I wrote a post here about the relationship titled "He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED" about two weeks ago.
After ten days apart, I've realized ways in which I was overly critical and impatient with my old boyfriend. I've had time to think. We have been in contact this entire time, so perhaps I have not had appropriate separation time, but neither of us wanted to go without communication. He calls, I answer the phone.
Loneliness isn't a factor. I have many friends (who are sick of my waffling, so that I'd have to stop) and I always have fun with my life but I miss his presence terribly.
We are going to open up discussion about which way to go, tomorrow evening. We will make some resolutions and air our concerns. Things have got to change but I feel there is good potential and a lot of willingness for change.
I know that re-starting a broken relationship is dangerous and tricky, and I'm just wondering if any of you have done this successfully, and what it took from each party.
Edited 11/2/2006 4:18 pm ET by straightshooter2006

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Thanks so much. I will read that article.
Yes, staying in contact will be detrimental, and has been, for the past two weeks. It's confused us both and it's made us both feel as though we are still in the relationship--but having it over the phone.
I'll certainly check out the breaking up board, I think that will help.
It's very true that I AM in the "it wasn't so bad, maybe I shouldn't have left" stage. So it's too tempting to keep it going, just because we are both very emotional and sentimental.
BUT I understand that I need to turn to whatever resources are available to make a clean break, and keep reminding myself that we broke up for a lot of very good reasons.
Thanks again!! Maybe someday soon I'll have some legitimate RELATIONSHIP concerns to sound off on here. Your advice has been great.
Aw, I DO love him, so that wasn't the issue really. I got mad about the movie, but YES, I would (still) take sauce off his chin and lick my finger--in fact, I'd probably, with great hilarity, skip the finger altogether. I don't think he'd mispronounce borgeouis, but if I did, I'd look at him after and we'd both shrug and yell out "why not!" We had plenty of fun together and tons of inside jokes. Like kids. He's talented at everything he tries, from journalism to graphic design to music, all pursuits that I very much respect. So while I STILL adore lots of things about him, there are other things that worried and upset me way too much. He's still MENTALLY in his early 20s.
True: I did draw the line at the laundry business. I didn't want to take a 30 minute subway ride to find that he wasn't ready to spend time together because he had to run back and forth with quarters to his neighborhood laundromat--which makes him grouchy anyway and not quite the joy to be around.
There were other issues that just ruined everything over and over for us, mostly to do with his maturity level, his stress level, his money problems, and my own need for stability. And none of these problems will be resolved in my time frame, I don't think.
Sigh. Well, I've read a few of your posts, and I hope you've figured out how to go easier on your guy. He seems both sweet AND responsible!!
You're fortunate and I know you appreciate him, so treat him well girl.
"Straightshooter."
You have to know too, it's soooo much easier being on this side of the issue, we aren't in the middle of it like you are, we don't have the emotions you're dealing with or the confusion you're wrestling with. The phrase "easier said than done" comes to mind..... I know it's not easy, even if I sound like I think it is.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"your problems have been relationship based, just not the side of relationships that you tend to typically think of when you think relationships."
2nd life, what does it mean? I'm not quite understanding the meaning. Like, with most relationships it ends because one person can't stand the other but he and I are still drawn to each other?? Would you mind explaining?
It IS easier said than done. All my dreams last night were filled with scenarios involving him not being there--just a voice on the phone--while I tried to keep explaining myself.
I did read the article you posted about ending harmful relationships. It's excellent. I had to fight my temptation to change the word "harmful" to something less loaded and send it to him to read.
Today I have to meet up with him to get my keys back and give him his. He'll be taking a break from work. I'll get my keys which helps with closure, and I'll get to see him for an official last time. (We broke up over the phone.) I'm looking forward to our meeting but today's my "time of the month" and I am feeling so emotional. It will be hard but I don't want to skip it.
ok, I really will take this to the break ups board. I just wanted to keep this discussion going a little longer, which I guess is the same type of reason I'm here in the first place.
Edited 11/6/2006 8:02 am ET by straightshooter2006
The article, yes, it is really good. I posted the name exactly as it appeared in the article, but have regretted doing it many times for just the reason you mention -- that darned "harmful" word.
By now your meeting has come and gone. I'm sure it was very difficult. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard. I hope this final meeting gives you some closure, but I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't just open you up a little more raw.
The break up boards may be a great place for you to heal, but please don't think you have to take it somewhere else. Keep this or any other discussion going as long as you like, we'll be here for you, relationship or no.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Aw, it's so confusing. We didn't talk all weekend and I went about my business (Dad was in town), but we both still really missed each other.
We did exchange keys, but also had a good talk. I have not been perfectly straight with him, and I also haven't taken into account the stress he's under at work.
He needs to manage his stress better. He knows that now. And in order to start really working toward his goals of moving out from his roommate situation (it is NYC, people have roommates until goodness knows when) and paying off his college loans that drown him, he has taken on some freelance writing and web jobs, as well as taking classes to sharpen his skills (he's been taking classes for the past six months or so).
I see him trying hard and I feel that I still want to be around, to encourage him, and mostly, because I really love him.
The confusion is because I've reacted so strongly to any letdown, told all my friends, ranted and raved and not communicated well with him out of my own anger. I have a lot of work to do on myself.
An example of this was that friday that I originally described, when he had to do laundry. He explained last night that because he'd worked until late each night, THEN come over my apartment after, he hadn't been home and had NO clean clothes to wear, but he wanted to see me, and he hadn't thought about structuring it, just wanted to squeeze everything in.
So I thought about that. I said last night that the solution to a situation like that is, if you need an evening to do laundry and catch up, tell me that you'll just come over later to crash, or that you'll see me the next day. It's not a big deal.
He said, but I do think you take it to be a big deal. There have been times in the past when I've had to cancel because I'm still at work and it's getting late and you get really angry. I want you to understand that I need to work hard right now to get to a much better place, so I CAN afford things and have a family and a nice life.
He told me something that my friends have observed: "You're wonderfully creative but you've got a hyperactive mind. You've got a lot of nervous energy and need channels. You used to write when we first met, now I'm not sure what you do." He pointed out a few of the things he's seen me try to do and quit out of frustration that I couldn't have instant mastery, such as music lessons; or instant gratification.
Well, I was pretty floored. He had me there. I do give up on things very easily once I hit the slightest bump. Plus, I had kind of hyperfocused on him and given up on my own pursuits anyway. And constantly discussed him and the relationship with anyone who'd listen. And made him look pretty bad in an effort to ease my own unfounded insecurity.
I told him how lousy it made me feel that he was not able to get movie tickets. He feels pressure very easily and while we were on the phone, his boss and two other people had walked into his office. He told me that he SHOULD have taken a moment to collect himself and quickly thought of a new plan. But he got panicked as he heard the strain in my voice on the phone. He was reminded of the times I wasn't sympathetic to his problems and he got mad. I said, "maybe you'll always have this level of stress, life is very stressful for some." He said, "No. I won't be. You don't see what's going on right now." I said, "Then you have to paint a better picture of it for me. I want to understand, instead of just feeling like you're being rude or mean. Because your tone on the phone was both of those things but maybe you didn't realize how it came across." Then I recited the conversation and he said, "I know. I know. I know what I should have done. I should have said, that movie's going to be sold out everywhere, let's just go to dinner, but I've got to go so I can get out of here and come over." (Now that I think about it, he should have told me, hey, my boss just walked in. Let me call you back in five minutes." I'll tell him that for next time.)
Anyway, he said "I still want a relationship with you, but the ball's in your court. I cannot be at your house as many times as week as you'd like, at least after the holiday rush at work, and I felt pressure before that you want that in a boyfriend. Unless we live together, I can't do that."
So I replied, "I see. Well, here. LOB! The ball's now in YOUR court. If you ask me out I probably will not say no."
He said ok and went back to work. Called later for some feedback on a bit of ad copy he was writing.
I think that with an attitude adjustment on my part, and a bit more space for each of us...including him taking a tai chi class or something (which he said is something he really wants to do), that we can make this work.
so, that's how it went. That's where I'm at.
Edited 11/7/2006 10:26 am ET by straightshooter2006
hi straightshooter
I am sorry that you're so heartbroken right now.. it is indeed so hard to break up.
I still stand by what I told you the other day about most of these problems being about your perception. And the fact that you keep oscillating between two extreme stances simply reinforces what I said... you are finding it this hard to stick to a position because you keep doubting yourself. You KNOW that you dont trust your own judgement and yet you feel pretty sure that he's not right for you.. but because you dont trust your judgement you just dont know what to do.
I know everyone on the board is telling you to break up with him, and possibly they're right, but I will still maintain that you'll have to get some clarity on your own self before you can judge what a good relationship is like.. that's the first thing i'd go about doing.
now, coming to the guy himself.. honestly i have guy friends who mess up with schedules like that. most guys dont plan very well.. and the laundry fiasco is one instance of bad planning. i can see my brother doing something exactly like that. i am not saying that you should therefore put up with it.. you obviously dont like it. yet today you are saying that you can go back to him YET again. so obviously it doesnt bother you THAT much... before you react to your BF maybe you should step back, think and make sure whether it is worth reacting to. some things are important and some arent.
i get the feeling that you keep confusing the "important imperfections" with the not so important ones and then reacting to everything... you really need to sort yourself out. i dont know what to say about the status of the relationship. you obviously love this guy and he loves you... and you're obviously both committed to making it work. but he has faults and you possibly react strongly to every single lapse of his .. maybe see a counsellor together?
if you dont mind me asking... how old are you?
Oh, I SO need to sort myself out, to find that "quiet place" inside and go from there.
I understand that you can't find "everything" in one person. And I have not been easy going enough about those "normal guy things." I've stayed out of relationships for fear of being let down. I also have guy friends who have trouble planning, some I've had crushes on, but I talked myself out of them for fear of being frustrated.
This was my first real, fleshed out relationship. He and I are both 34. He has had two other significant relationships since he was 19, with scattered dating in between. He was single for almost three years when we met. I have always been single and VERY self protective. I have issues.
I KNOW I need to learn to step back and not react.
I feel lucky to be loved by someone so sensitive and willing to try and although I'd do it if it was definitely for the best, I just can't throw away something that just might be right, after a few things are resolved. It could take months or years, but there is hard work being done and I know that.
The "unimportant imperfections" have thrown me off a lot.
The counsellor idea is interesting to me. Once his insurance picks up again in January it would be something to explore.
I see a fantastic therapist once a week who has been on vacation for the past few weeks. He knows nothing of these posts or even that I tried to end it. I feel a little embarrassed, a little nutty, to tell you the truth.
So what the heck is wrong with me?? Why can't I just accept that he has a life and things to do? Why can't I just be calm during the week and know that he's working as hard as he can to make it happen for himself, and thus, us?
Am I just incredibly self righteous and not seeing past the end of my own nose?
Am I afraid of actually being responsible for my half of a relationship? Continuing to care and give when the going gets tough, even if it means laying off??
Or can I find someone who won't provoke me to ponder any of these questions?
I've followed your posts, and I think you're basically trying to fit the proverbial square peg into a round hole. It doesn't really matter WHY the peg is square and the hole is round, what matters is that they ARE what and how they are.
You can certainly *try* to accept the things that drive you crazy about him, but it doesn't mean that you're wrong or a bad person if you can't. Things that might be important to you might be unimportant to other people, and that's all well and good for them...but you are not those other people.
There ARE men out there who plan ahead, who do not always run late, who are good at thinking on their feet, etc. It's not an impossible dream to think that you could find a man like that. Of course he may have *other* issues you're not crazy about ;-), but it's all about deciding what's important to YOU and what you are willing to settle for or compromise on.
Sheri
That could be true... and yet, I'm not convinced that either of us is really fully formed yet as either a square peg or a round hole.
It's true. Any guy I find will have his issues. I've been briefly involved with many, and they all had plenty! (Of issues.) Even the ones who planned things, brought me gifts, etc.
I said once to my guy "I've dated guys who planned, thought ahead, etc" and he replied with "but where are they now?? I guess they weren't so perfect."
No matter what there is compromise, no?? He says to me that he feels prepared to compromise if I am too, he just wonders if I really can. I would like to be able to. I feel that love is not everything but it's a really good starting point.
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