Considering a final try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Considering a final try.
27
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:52pm

I am considering another attempt at my old relationship. I wrote a post here about the relationship titled "He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED" about two weeks ago.

After ten days apart, I've realized ways in which I was overly critical and impatient with my old boyfriend. I've had time to think. We have been in contact this entire time, so perhaps I have not had appropriate separation time, but neither of us wanted to go without communication. He calls, I answer the phone.

Loneliness isn't a factor. I have many friends (who are sick of my waffling, so that I'd have to stop) and I always have fun with my life but I miss his presence terribly.

We are going to open up discussion about which way to go, tomorrow evening. We will make some resolutions and air our concerns. Things have got to change but I feel there is good potential and a lot of willingness for change.

I know that re-starting a broken relationship is dangerous and tricky, and I'm just wondering if any of you have done this successfully, and what it took from each party.




Edited 11/2/2006 4:18 pm ET by straightshooter2006

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 3:52pm

Mmmm...I'm not liking his response about the planning thing. IMO, he's really missing the point there.

But hey, you're never going to know if this can work unless you try, right ;-)? And I don't get the sense that you're ready to let it go without trying so that's what you need to do. I just hope he really steps up in the compromising process as opposed to just talking a good game, ya know ;-)?

And if push comes to shove and you find that you're not able to compromise on things that are important to you, don't beat yourself up. You will have tried at that point...that's all anyone can ask (and the same is true for him--hopefully he will try to compromise and meet you in the middle, but if he can't, he can't).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 4:03pm
Yes. I feel like now's the time for me to just lay off and try to relax--and see what he offers. In the meantime, if I meet someone, I meet someone. We are still in limbo. But I don't want to sever contact just yet. It seems too extreme at this time. I still wish it will work. But I will let go if I have to. I'm used to being single and I know I'll be fine either way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 5:34pm

I think that's the best strategy for now. See how it goes. dont rush into anything.

I dont think that your situation is extreme enough to be one of square pegs and round holes at all. If you look at it that way every single relationship can be classified as that because we ALL have to adjust to some lesser/greater extent. There has been talk about "working" on relationships. And I think that there's general consensus that everyone has to do their bit in the relationship. No two people are "perfectly" 100% compatible where the two square pegs are exactly the same size.. there's always a little bit of a struggle. In a happy marriage, I think that people struggle 5% of the time, that too with good humor and dont have to struggle 95% of the time.

In your case I will be frank and say that you might have too high standards that you're setting for a guy. I know that some people will say "that's the way you are and you shouldnt change, the right guy will come along"... but I'd say that if your behavior/interaction with men falls within the range of what's typical, then you'd have a better chance at being happy in a relationship. I am not suggesting you change yourself conpletely.. but think about what's important.. and what to let go of. we all do it in relationships. no two people are perfectly compatible, and if you love each other enough and are smart enough you can work out little kinks in the relationship.

I dont really know how to answer the other questions you raised in your other post. you know yourself the best, and there are many wise women on this board who might have better insight into how you view relationships...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 6:24pm

Yes. Well, I do agree that I set the bar waaaaay too high and I have some things to learn.

I fell hard about a year and a half ago for someone who was mostly a fantasy (seemingly incredible but actually an incredible mess, and ultimately an unrequited fling), and I spent a lot of time comparing my current guy to this hyperactive, successful, genius, handsome, TOTALLY UNAVAILABLE ghost. So unfair. Fantasy vs. reality. I should have come to the boards months ago.

After the break we've taken, nobody's rushing into anything. I'm doing my best not to screech at him "why aren't you at my door right now??? I accepted you back into my life!!!! now pursue!!! pursue!!!"

I'm trying to remind myself to, for once, be as cool and calm about this relationship as I am with my friendships. Following this philosophy, if he thinks this is still worth pursuing, then he'll pursue. But it will be on his own time and I just have to accept that despite his many wonderful qualities, he doesn't run as fast as I do. But heck, who does. I've heard complaints about my impulsiveness from everyone my entire life.

I'm also aware that I did hurt him and I did some damage and things STILL have to heal a little bit. We discussed this: there is some resentment on both sides that needs to dissipate. So I really can't expect anything. Just to know that the next time, or with the next person, I'll learn to step back and not react, rush in, accuse, break up, or play games.

I'm realizing that I am very, very restless and I NEED to manage that if I am to be in any relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 7:18pm

I'm glad that you're realizing certain things about yourself. But dont beat yourself up about them.. we all have our little idiosyncracies. i have made mistakes in the past.. we all do. it's part of the learning experience, i think. it's the way we grow and mature and learn to deal with peole and relationships.

if you really want to make things work and want to try once again with this guy, then maybe identify certain patterns of behavior that you repeat. and uproot those bad behaviors. of course, he must also not just be willing to try to make it work, but actually DO the work that needs to be done. I think that your case is a classic case where counselling will do wonders.

in the meantime maybe you can take up hobbies? if you dont have them already. pottery.. gardening/painting/running? go see the fall colors.. take a bike ride. keeping oneself occupied does wonders.. you will find the 'quiet place' you're looking for when you find happiness in being alone and enjoying little things. good luck and keep us informed. i am sure you will find all the happiness you want. we all do eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:27pm
It seems to me nothing has really changed at all. You've laid it out for him that you're unhappy and he's scrambling to make some changes, that's the way it's always been. As to the "not quite formed square pegs", a boyfriend is not a project and doesn't need molding. Relationships are right when you're right together, you're struggling and unhappy. Big time. He says you need to compromise too, but you're already unhappy with the situation, accepting things that don't make you happy doesn't make sense. If it's this hard at the nine month stage, how are you going to deal with the big problems? If it's this much of a struggle at the nine month stage, isn't that an indicator that it simply isn't right?


The planners that you've been with in the past may not have been right for you, but simply being planners is not enough, the whole package has to work, not just one part. There may be a million planners but that doesn't mean most will be right for you, it takes more than just being a planner.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 12:54am
Hmmm...maybe that came out a little strong. How about this:


I have concerns, but wish you luck in your continued attempts.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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