constant source of friction/need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
constant source of friction/need advice
3
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 4:22pm
I had my daughter four weeks ago, and am getting ready to return to work, in two to three weeks. I have been unable to take a full maternity leave due to our financial situation. I lost my short t. disability benefits, due to leaving my positon to try another, and returning. I was unaware that I was pregnant at the time that I left or I would have stayed. I make more money than my husband does, about twice what he makes, but still not enough for us to get by on just my income. I feel like my husband should try to find a better paying position, which he has had offers before, but would not step out of his "comfort zone" to try one. Instead, he pushes me to work more. I work as an oncology nurse and make good money, like my job, and I also like that I am able to have one day per week off. This gives me time to have lunch with my son at school, and take care of things around the house that often get neglected. My husband, though he will not admit it, seems very resentful of this day off, and feels like I'm not "doing enough" to ensure our financial stability. As if my working 40 hours instead of 32 is the magic number with regards to our financial freedom. I on the other hand, feel resentful toward him for not doing anything extra to help matters, for example finish college, accept one of the better offers he has received, and so on. He has to work double the hours that I do to make what I make, and I know this bothers him, but I do not feel that this is my fault. He had the same opportunites that I had, even more, with regards to finishing his education and job selection. Instead I feel like he's wanting to push me and work me to death to make up for his poor life choices. I worked, even though physically unwell, until the day that I had my daughter, and now I feel like I'm being cheated of time with her by having to return to work so soon, because he does not make that much money. It's frustrating, but I am just not willing to give up my day off to make him happy. I even made the offer of working just weekends to save us 320.00 in childcare fees monthly, but he would not go for it...even though I would make the same money that I do now. It seems more like a control issue to me, and almost like he feels like he works a lot so I should have to work a lot too. We argue about this constantly, and I need advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 5:44pm
isabelle, congrats on the birth of your daughter! in my opinion, you should not be working at all, especially if you are unwell. the decision by a mother to work should always be a choice, not forced by circumstances. as long as you continue to take up the slack, he will continue to push you to work more. you should only work as much as you think you can handle and no more, especially with a newborn. you won't do your kids any good if you become sick or exhausted. if your husband tries to push you into working more, try saying simply, "I can't." sometimes those two little words are the hardest for strong, capable women to say. but you don't have to explain yourself. after a few weeks or months of less income coming in, maybe he will be motivated to get a higher paying position. child support is still his responsibility, whether married or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:42am

Welcome to the board, Isbelle37, and congratulations on the birth of your baby girl ~


I wonder if your husband is throwing the focus on you as a way to take the focus off himself. If he tosses statements and accusations about too much time off, not getting enough done, etc. during discussions and arguments, I'd say that's likely. If he can get you to bite and start defending yourself the discussion stays away from him and his work. If his push to get you to work more and disapproval of your day off is all the time rather than reserved for fighting, it may be tied up in how he feels about himself. Generally speaking, men's egos are very much entangled in their ability to provide for their family. It wouldn't be at all unusual if he didn't struggle with the fact that you make more than him. I don't know, but it's possible that his ego (shame, inferiority, lack of confidence) may have him redirecting his attention on you in order to avoid facing or thinking about his position in your relationship. Then too, there are some guys who are just plain unmotivated guys who don't at all mind having someone support them. I have no idea where he is on this, but you do,what do you think?


As a side note, I have to say that I've never known a nurse that worked more than three days a week. Like you're saying about working only weekends, the money's good, the flexibility's there, they're generally able to find a schedule that's advantageous to them.


Have you tried sitting down with him to discuss this (I'm sure you have, but I've got to ask)? Here's what I would suggest to start:

Tell him you have a problem you need his help with and need him to pick a time when it's good for him to talk. A time when you won't be interrupted (ha ha with a new baby) is what you really need. Men are generally fixers, so if you tell him you have a problem you put him in attentive, help mode rather than defense mode. He comes to the table ready to listen. Be sure your statements are *I* statements rather than *you* statements, and be sure you are calm and even (take a deep breath and pause before answering if you need to -- better to intentionally react than to knee-jerk react). Be sure to have this talk at a time when things are good between you, if there are current issues you're angry with each other about, adding another topic when things are already tense won't end in good results. I statements tell him how you feel, you statements are blaming. "I feel pushed to work more hours to support us and I don't understand why." "I feel the responsibility to provide financially for our family is unbalanced." "I feel expected to work hard and harder to provide for us, but I don't feel the same expectation is made of yourself." I think I would flatly tell him that I was not interested in working more hours to make more money, that I felt I was doing more than my share and it was his turn to give. Hopefully, being presented that way will be the beginning of a productive talk. Hopefully he'll be better able to share with you what's going on within himself, why he's not taking those better paying jobs, why he's resistant to going back to school. Have you tried this approach before? If so, what were the results? And if you already know why he doesn't take the jobs or go back to school, what are his reasons?


There are some articles and exercises in our Information and Resources section that are very good and might be helpful in having a productive discussion with him:


Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember **
1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication

Let me know what you think, okay?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:52am

sounds like there are other issues underlying these difficulties. If this is truly about having the money then I would recommend that you make a very specific budget together and live within the means that you have wihtout working around the clock.

If this is about other issues (as I suspect) then you may need some professional therapy to get to the root of the issue. It certainly may be tied up in your non-traditional situation of him making significantly less money, his male ego, his feelings of failure or fear of being perceved as not a "real" man, and/or your frustration that he is not willing to go-for-it for you and your baby and make more.

The idea here would be to live within your means and based on the way you are assigning value to different activities feel like you are both contributing (and appreciate the other's contribution) as best you can. Keeping score especially by dollar is a recipe for failure (no matter who earns more) and not good for the children because much of the parenting contribution is about things other than money. You need to talk about this and value these things --- this is possible but it requires communication and compromise in an environment of respect, love, and shared goals.

Good luck, P.