Convince your spouse to loose wieght

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Convince your spouse to loose wieght
28
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 5:05pm

I need a womans perspective.
I'm sure some people will think this is petty, but it's really starting to bother me.

I love my wife and we have been together 18 years. I have always been attracted to her and honestly still am. She is almost the perfect woman for me, but for this one thing.

She already knows she is overweight, but all she does is whine about it.
We joined a gym together 3 years ago (my first attempt at a solution), but what ended up happening is that the difference between us was increased. Now (from going to the gym regularly) I’m in the best shape of my life. I was never heavy, but now I’m ripped.
She on the other had has stayed the same or become heavier. She skips the gym a lot (we usually go together) but tells everyone she goes twice a week (when I always go). I guess what recently got me upset is last Sunday when we both went to the gym, but because the machine she likes to use wasn't working right, she sat on the couch in the lobby area the whole time.
She wont use the treadmill at home (I use it every day before work) because it's not a good as the nice ones they have at the gym.
We eat healthy at home, but I know she has fast food for lunch a lot.

She wont weigh herself or measure her waist because she "Just doesn't want to know" or doesn't want to become obsessive about every little pound or inch.
It just aggravates me that I work hard at being fit, and she doesn't. If she wont do it for herself, I wish she would do it for me. She has the potential to be incredibly sexy, but I’m starting to look away when she is getting dressed or undressed.

I know I would never cheat on her, but when hot girls at the gym talk to me it just reinforces my desire to have a wife that i'm more physically attracted to.

Any thoughts?
Ideas?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 6:27pm

From your sceen name, I'm assuming you must be a Buffy fan ;-)!!!

Ok...bottom line is, you're not going to be able to "convince" her, sorry. And the more you push, the more she will resist. It's human nature. She has to want to do it for herself, not for you.

She is not you. You want to work at being fit--that's your choice--good for you! She doesn't. That's HER choice and you need to respect it.

And if she's been overweight since you've known her, then it's fair for her to expect that you accept her as she's always been, rather than expecting her to make a change because YOU did.

I think the best thing you can do is just be a good example, but don't push her. She'll either decide she wants to do something about her weight, or she won't.

I do think, however, that it would be fair to ask her not to whine to you about her weight if she's not willing to do anything about it. My ex-husband used to complain about his job all the time but would never DO anything about it--that drove me up a wall!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 7:17pm

Thanks for the reply. I don't think I have ever pushed. I have never told her she is getting heavy, or that she needs to get more exercise. I have taken just that approach that you describe (set a good example, respect her choice), but I guess I hoped something would change.
She wasn't always like this. it's been a trend over the last 5 years or so. I guess I take it a little personally and feel like she takes my attraction to her for granted (which she should to a degree).

Oh, and yes I am a Buffy fan (any Joss show actually)

-E

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 7:43pm

Yeah, that's a tough one, if it's something relatively new. Do you think she's aware of your attraction issues? You don't want to hurt her and stress her out (which would probably cause her to eat more and exercise less) by saying you're losing your attraction to her, but OTOH, you don't want to surprise her with a request for divorce a couple years down the road due to this issue.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 7:45pm

I'm a Buffy fan too. Actually, the original Buffy movie was our first date movie :-)

I agree with NWW on all points. And I also agree that it's fair of you to ask her to not complain if she's not going to do anything about it. My ex also used to complain about his job but refused to do anything about it. There's nothing worse than living with a whiner.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 9:17pm

I'm a Buffy fan too! Woohoo! There's more of us out there than I thought....

About the weight... I don't like how I look but I don't exercise either. (Though I should. ;)) Honestly, I think you are getting too focused on the outside appearance (as long as she isn't getting morbidly obese...) All those hot women at the gym are total coniving she-demons out to find themselves a sugar daddy. Start looking at them like that instead of "hot" and I think you'd find your attraction to your wife increase some. :D

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 3:07am
I agree with the others, there isn't anything you can do to convince her to lose weight, and attempts to do so would probably back fire and have her gaining weight. I also agree that she would likely feel less like working out at the gym if the other females in the gym are in good shape.


Obviously, despite what she says, she knows the truth. She knows she doesn't work out as often as she says and while she may complain, she also knows fast food doesn't help. I will say, though, it's easy to be blind to the reality of the calorie count of some fast foods, and I'll tell you, doing an internet search a few weeks ago to see the actual calories of some of my favorite weaknesses stunned me and has made it easy for me to swear off them indefinitely. 700 calories in a few of the Starbucks bars? Nearly 1000 calories in Coldstone ice cream and Dairyqueen blizzards? Yiiiikes. I knew these things weren't low cal, but I didn't realize how incredibly high they were. Ignorance may be bliss, but it was hurting my weight loss efforts much more than I'd realized. I can't say it would be the right thing to do, or even that it would be helpful, but I wouldn't be able to listen to her complaints and her inflated gym stories without comment - privately, of course. I wouldn't attack but I would point out that the stories weren't true (as if she doesn't already know)and that you weren't willing to listen to complaints about her weight/shape until/unless she made an effort to do something about it. That doesn't say you aren't happy with her as she is, it says you are fully aware of the whole picture and aren't willing to listen to it.


I'll tell you too, I don't do scales either. For me, stepping on the scales if I weigh more than I'd like to is counter-productive; it depresses me and makes me feel less motivated to work to lose weight. The same goes for wearing clothes that are tight. However, wearing loose clothes makes me *feel* thinner and more motivated to "keep it up". And back to scales, I figure I don't really need to know my weight, I'll know when I'm "there" when the clothes fit. Just rambling, sorry. But maybe it'll give you a little insight to what might be working for your wife?


You've said a few things that make me wonder if you might be sending her more messages about getting on the bandwagon than you're aware, or perhaps that they're being negatively received more than you're aware. You mention being ripped and you mention that you work hard at being fit and wish she would. If you're making even the least little show about your weight or your fitness level, she's probably taking that as it's intended "look what you could be if you'd only try". Trying is hard, and men tend to have success much faster than women. It's depressing when you've worked hard for months at diet and exercise before any weight difference is seen. That's how it typically is for me. Also, if you're doing physical activities together and you're doing them easily while she's struggling, it's not fun for her, not while she's shoulder to shoulder with you, who is not having a problem.


The bottom line is nothing will work unless she wants it to, and she has to have the desire to lose for herself. If she verbalizes a desire to lose weight (please note this is different than complaining about weight), tell her she has your support but that you don't know how to best support her; you don't know what will be a help and what will not be. Ask for her suggestions and guidance.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 10:45am

Thanks for all the great advise!

-E

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 11:52am

Thought I'd jump in and mention something that I don't think has been said. You state that this has happened over the last five years. Has anything changed in her life during that time? Loss of a loved one? Job/career change? When people are stressed or depressed, it can trigger overeating and/or a sense of hopelessness. Has she had a chance to see a counselor?

Whining is annoying, but it also indicates (to me) that she feels powerless over the situation. Was joining the gym your idea or hers? Have you asked her what activities she would enjoy? Personally, I will do those things I enjoy most like go to spinning class, but don't even try to get me to run around the local jogging track!

I think you are doing a great job of being supportive. Help her find what works for her, whether it be a yoga class or just even taking evening walks together after dinner.

good luck to you both!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:02pm

>Has anything changed in her life during that time?
She had a pretty crappy boss for most of that time, but she has a great one now. She IS looking into a new career and is taking classes (just started).

>Was joining the gym your idea or hers?
It was actually hers. She recently even looked into getting a personal trainer. We went to this "Fitness assessment" at the gym, which is partially a sales pitch. We went together (we do just about everything together), but it was a little uncomfortable. She kept putting herself down during the whole thing, so I keep telling her to stop. I want to tell her to stop putting herself down without implying that I think she is fine the way she is and doesn’t need to do anything. We both agreed that the personal trainer thing is a little on the pricey side. She suggested that I serve as her personal trainer, but that would put me directly in the position of pushing her to be in shape, and I don’t think that is going to be a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 4:55pm

you write: "She suggested that I serve as her personal trainer, but that would put me directly in the position of pushing her to be in shape, and I don’t think that is going to be a good thing."

You're a very wise man. This would be disasterous because it would feed into her need to be right that she's not enough as she is, which, I think, is her problem. Perhaps her putting herself down is her way of garnering attention--and negative attention is attention just like positive attention is attention.

She would probably benefit most from talking to a therapist for her low self esteem issues. Maybe the gym isn't the right setting for her: maybe yoga or an adult ballet class would be better for her. My dearest sister worked out like a fiend at the gym for over 2 1/2 years after she had her babygirl; she ate (and still eats) very, very healthfully-irreproachably, actually--but the weight refused to come off--and I'm talking about salads with no dressing on them. It wasn't until she began an adult ballet class that her weight fell off of her. She lost all of her baby weight 6 years after the fact and went 25 lbs further to where she was when she was in college. Something about ballet connected her brain to a deep, deep desire she always had about being a ballerina. After about 3 1/2 years in class, she's in pointe shoes and dances in the dance school's yearly recitals along with babygirl (who is 10 now).

It would be something that your wife could do as something she accomplished on her own and not with you--a personal feat. Trust me, the other women in her dance class are moms just like dearest sister and don't have pre-baby ballerina bodies, but they are happy; they are in motion and from year to year, you can see how their bodies are changing and becoming stronger and leaner.

See if she would be interested in doing that.

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