Convince your spouse to loose wieght

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Convince your spouse to loose wieght
28
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 5:05pm

I need a womans perspective.
I'm sure some people will think this is petty, but it's really starting to bother me.

I love my wife and we have been together 18 years. I have always been attracted to her and honestly still am. She is almost the perfect woman for me, but for this one thing.

She already knows she is overweight, but all she does is whine about it.
We joined a gym together 3 years ago (my first attempt at a solution), but what ended up happening is that the difference between us was increased. Now (from going to the gym regularly) I’m in the best shape of my life. I was never heavy, but now I’m ripped.
She on the other had has stayed the same or become heavier. She skips the gym a lot (we usually go together) but tells everyone she goes twice a week (when I always go). I guess what recently got me upset is last Sunday when we both went to the gym, but because the machine she likes to use wasn't working right, she sat on the couch in the lobby area the whole time.
She wont use the treadmill at home (I use it every day before work) because it's not a good as the nice ones they have at the gym.
We eat healthy at home, but I know she has fast food for lunch a lot.

She wont weigh herself or measure her waist because she "Just doesn't want to know" or doesn't want to become obsessive about every little pound or inch.
It just aggravates me that I work hard at being fit, and she doesn't. If she wont do it for herself, I wish she would do it for me. She has the potential to be incredibly sexy, but I’m starting to look away when she is getting dressed or undressed.

I know I would never cheat on her, but when hot girls at the gym talk to me it just reinforces my desire to have a wife that i'm more physically attracted to.

Any thoughts?
Ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 11:12pm

Hi quenek! I'm a lurker and sometime responder on these boards. You and a few other regulars on these boards have always given good advice (IMO). Like I said I'm mainly a lurker, but sometimes poster(s) make me come out - and this happens to be one. Your response was so on point, I almost cried knowing how we women can be about our bodies and aging. Anyhoo, not to make this a book, I hope the OP prints out your post and share it with her at an appropriate time. No truer words were written. BRAVO!

P.S. - Congrats that your sister found her ("PEACE") to do what was pleasing to her. Take care of you and yours.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 12:58am
Oooh, not so sure printing out the posts and giving them to his wife would be a good idea. She's read how he wasn't happy with her weight or her complaining and that would do bad things.


I do agree with you that Quenek is a great responder, I always look forward to reading her posts, they're great!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:08am
I agree that being her personal trainer would be disasterous all the way around.


It sounds like she's been dealing with a lot ~ and a lot of negative at that. Since things have really improved lately and she's excited about things, you just might see her make some positive changes on her own, which is the only real way it'll happen anyway.


I also agree with Quenek that the key to this may well be in finding something she's interested or passionate about. Was there any activity or sport she was into in high school or college? Most cities have adult or city leagues; she may find the drive she's looking for there. There are also fitness clubs just for women that may be more to her liking, but it'll be hard for you to point that out without her being fully aware of why you're doing it.


I don't think there's any reason you can't simply tell her to stop putting herself down without adding that she'd fine. You could also approach it a little differently, telling her you're concerned about the fact that she always puts herself down. It could lead to a productive talk, and could lead to some answers (for herself).








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 3:14am

:blushing:


thank you both! such kind words!! I appreciate them!!!


on edit: one thing I forgot to add: dearest sister is 41 yrs old... so age is not a deterrent to realizing dreams from childhood.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 8:22am


Can I ask you what it is that you call 'overweight'? How big/tall is your wife? (I cannot respond unless I know these details).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:32am

>Can I ask you what it is that you call 'overweight'?
>How big/tall is your wife? (I cannot respond unless I know these details).

I don't know exactly, she won't weigh herself :)
I do know that when we went to that fitness assessment they determined that she had 40% body fat using that caliper thingy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 12:02pm

I agree here. Printing out or showing her the post might start a fight. She'll see it as "you thought i was that bad that you needed to talk to others and get advice?" and may think "wow I must be really pathetic to him" I do agree that asking her interests, be it ballet, hip hop dance, volleyball might help her come up with an idea on her own. She might decide to join something on her own and have fun doing it(not thinking of it as exercise) and the weight will come off. Positive comments about how she 'glows' and looks happier after she has been working out may help her to keep doing it. She really does need to want to do it for herself though, and not to feel she's making you happy. A few questons: Has she had children? Was she overweight or howmuch weight was gained since you got together? These factor, especially because having children changes your body. some people can look better after they have kids than before they even were pregnant. One very inactive person can lose weight after a child or several, and an active person may not at all. I guess you wouldn't want to suggest a diet but seeing what ones body can tolerate as far as what the ycan limit or give up helps. The atkins diet isn't for everyone, some people hate the thought of eatig only meat,...not just vegetarians either. She probably sees that her fast food isn't a great lunch and lacks the willpower to curb it or doesn't know her choices. You could suggest you both track your eating patterns by keeping an honest journal on what you eat everyday and the activity you both do. That way she can see for herself what she needs to do,stop doing. She may opt for healthier choices at fast food places, omitting fries, or bringing her own lunch. At the end of the day, you can write your thoughts in the journal. Then you can go back and find you might have been happier on the day you ate the healthiest and did some excercise and that might create more motivation for herself or you. What do you think?

Edited 9/1/2006 12:07 pm ET by intuition_girl0727




Edited 9/1/2006 1:20 pm ET by intuition_girl0727
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:25pm

I agree here. Printing out or showing her the post might start a fight. She'll see it as "you thought i was that bad that you needed to talk to others and get advice?" and may think "wow I must be really pathetic to him" I do agree that asking her interests, be it ballet, hip hop dance, volleyball might help her come up with an idea on her own. She might decide to join something on her own and have fun doing it(not thinking of it as exercise) and the weight will come off. Positive comments about how she 'glows' and looks happier after she has been working out may help her to keep doing it. She really does need to want to do it for herself though, and not to feel she's making you happy. A few questons: Has she had children? Was she overweight or howmuch weight was gained since you got together? These factor, especially because having children changes your body. some people can look better after they have kids than before they even were pregnant. One very inactive person can lose weight after a child or several, and an active person may not at all. I guess you wouldn't want to suggest a diet but seeing what ones body can tolerate as far as what the ycan limit or give up helps. The atkins diet isn't for everyone, some people hate the thought of eatig only meat,...not just vegetarians either. She probably sees that her fast food isn't a great lunch and lacks the willpower to curb it or doesn't know her choices. You could suggest you both track your eating patterns by keeping an honest journal on what you eat everyday and the activity you both do. That way she can see for herself what she needs to do,stop doing. She may opt for healthier choices at fast food places, omitting fries, or bringing her own lunch. At the end of the day, you can write your thoughts in the journal. Then you can go back and find you might have been happier on the day you ate the healthiest and did some excercise and that might create more motivation for herself or you. What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:50pm
The weight/size question is a really good one, it should have been asked a long time ago! One time we had a woman posting that she was upset at herself because her boyfriend was not sure he would be able to continue the relationship because of her weight gain. Turns out that while she'd always been very slim, but had gained ten pounds. We suggested the weight she needed to lose was her boyfriend.


I wasn't at all sure how the 40% BMI (Body Mass Index) that calipers measure computes to weight so I did a little internet checking, and still am not too clear. What I found is that according to the Body Fat Guidelines from American Council on Exercise,
normal BMI's in fit people are:
Women 21 - 24%
Men 14-17%
Acceptable levels are:
Women 25-31%
Men 18-25%

But that same site says:
  • If your BMI is 19 to 24.9 you have a healthy weight.
  • If your BMI is 25 to 29.9 you are considered to be overweight and may incur moderate health risks.
  • If your BMI is 30+ you are considered to be obese.


    I don't get where in one place they can say 31% is acceptable for women, but in another say 30% is obese.

    That's a vast difference.








  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    Fri, 09-01-2006 - 2:08pm

    Cl,

    You also have the problem that the BMI does NOT take into account bone structure/density. That's my problem. My bones are so heavy that even at my lightest ever it all still said I was overweight. (And I looked sick (cuz I was, literally, I'd been puking for a week.))

    So, it's really a matter of, is it 40% on a petite woman with tiny bones, 40% on an average height woman with "normal" bones, or 40% on someone who is tall and with solid bones?

    And then there is the skill of the person who was doing the "measuring".

    Jen




    Edited 9/1/2006 2:13 pm ET by imasillynut