Could this be the end of my marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2014
Could this be the end of my marriage?
2
Sat, 06-07-2014 - 6:07pm

Me and my husband lived together for 2 years and then we got married 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our 2 year and a half daughter. We always got along well and were good friends as well as lovers. But at the time my daughter was born I was out of work and my husband lost his job and we went trough some difficult times, having to live in a house borrowed by his family and we went trough many financial issues. This together with raising a baby took its toll on our relationship. We started having lots of arguments and he also wanted to end our relationship for 2 times, what at the time I was shocked since I believed we are a family and families solve their issues together, don't just break appart. 

Well, we ended moving to another city, and now we both got good jobs, our own home, our daughter is at a nursery she loves and we have no financial issues. But it seems that instead of being more happy and relaxed, our relationship is getting worse and worse. My husband works long hours (because he chooses to, not because he has to), he's always tired and have little patience and a short temper. He gets furious with small things around the house like som crumbs or something that isn't clean, and nagging all the time. I can't seem to relax because I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells like just hoping he doesn't yell at me about something. Sometimes we ended having arguments in front of our daughter which is just terrible. Some time ago I really didn't want for us to go separate ways, but now I'm not sure anymore. I don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore due to all this and sometimes our relationship just feels a business relation! There's no tenderness or romance whatsoever. When I try to speak to him about this, he never wants to, always ends up getting furious, saying I'm annoying and leaving the room.

Today we had another argument and I'm so desperate about this. I have no family and just a few friends on my side so I really feel alone, that's also why I'm writing here. We have been both ill in the past 3 days and at home recovering. My husband was the first getting sick, he went to sleep early and around 10pm he got up, went to the living room, saying non sense things, I was really scared with this and noticed he was really hot, he was having a high temperature and was very confused. I got so scared and phoned his mom asking to help me. Then I phoned emergency and spoke with a doctor that thought it would be best to call an ambulance and take him to hospital to be seen, which was what happened. My husband stayed at the hospital for 2 days and then went home, and I was already sick too (not as bad as he). As soon as he felt better, he started to clean the house and getting all obssessed with this and that, not letting me having a proper rest as well.

Then tonight I eat a sandwich on the sofa and a juice together with my daughter, then he came to the living room to get her to sleep and she said she wants mommy instead. So I picked her up to take her to the bedroom and he started shouting at me that I left my dirty plate and cup on the sofa and that's a total lack of respect to him because he wants to sit on the sofa as well, also swearing as well. I couldn't believe this, I'm still feeling ill, was taking our daughter to the bedroom, is that sooooo serious that I forgot to take the plate and the cup!? Is that really that important??? Specially when sometimes he also does the same!

I responded that and he continued to shout, then said to me that I cannot never again call an ambulance withouth his permission! That he had to stay at the hospital when he didn't want to! Well, first of all, I could I ask for permission if he was totally confused? And second, it was the doctor on the phone who took that decision and called the ambulance, not me! He also said that next time he's sick and even if he falls on the floor I cannot call anyone! I just couldn't believe all this. The doctor on the phone suspected he could have meningitis, which fortunately was not, but I guess I did the right thing in calling the doctor and now I have to hear this from him? Does he hate me?

I hoped that he getting so ill this time would be a wake up call for him to slow down at work and take more care of himself, but instead he's putting the blame on me. I'm nt obssessed with having a clean perfect house, I do loads of work: cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. He does all that also, but we cannot be robots! Specially when we have a 2 year old! I don't think that a plate and a cup are more important than our relationship and that I should yell at him if he left that plate and cup on the sofa! Who cares? 1 year ago we didn't even have our home and our sofa!!! 

Well, thank you for reading all, I really appreciate. I feel so sad and desperate. I didn't want for our marriage to end, I just wanted for us to be friends, happy and so close like we used to be. I've had dreams when I was sleeping with past boyfriends and also men I don't even know who they are where I am in a happy relationship, feeling loved and nurtured and then I wake up. I don't know what to do really, I feel tired of not being able to relax on my own house after a day working. He also has a short temper to our daughter too. If we didn't have our daughter I don't believe we would be together anymore. I think the best we should do would be to have some time away from each other and see how we feel, but that's just not possible to do.

Well, I ask you for some advice on what to do. Even his own mother feels a bit helpless regarding his temper. I just thought that now we have jobs, no financial issues and our home, that we could just relax and be happy, but why is that so difficult? Today I read on Facebook a poem that says "I wish I could find a love to burn cookies with whilst we dance around the kitchen". Wow, that's really really how I would love to feel! Not being yelled at because I didn't clean the oven...

I don't know what to do, please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 06-07-2014 - 10:48pm

I would first tell him you want to improve your relationship and get back to the loving way you two used to be together. Tell him you'd like help from a marriage counselor. If he refuses, go yourself to show him the seriousness of the matter. My ex had anger issues due to depression. Perhaps your husband suffers from the same thing. People can't help it if they're genetically prone to depression, however they can attempt to control it with psychiatric therapy and anti-depressants. If a person chooses not to treat their depression, then that is their decision. It's also your decision at that point to live like a martyr and live a life of anguish, or to throw in the towel and mourn the loss of the person you took a risk on.

Whether or not he suffers from depression, he doesn't seem to care that you're hurt by his behavior. While you are making up your mind on what to do, you could set some boundaries with him for the good of yourself and your child. Tell him that if there needs to be some rules set up for arguing: not in front of your child, no name calling (I don't know if that's the case, just a suggestion if it is), and the action should be addressed, not an attack of the person. Stick up for yourself. Tell him your child is more important than a cup and plate and you will always attend to her first. Be careful, though, if you think he will become physically abusive. 

I'm going to guess that it'll take a major ephiphany for him to change. Maybe the threat of divorce will do it, or maybe he'll be relieved and agree to a divorce. I have a feeling he won't change, and since you're more unhappy than happy in the relationship on a regular basis, you're better off moving on. If you do divorce, stay alone a good year to mourn the relationship. Do not get involved with another man until you've healed. Your child also needs to get used to the new situation with your full attention. I'm sorry this has happened to you. You took a risk on what you thought was a good prospect and it didn't turn out. It's not your fault. Life isn't fair much of the time. The good thing is that you have a second chance at happiness. I divorced and am much happier the second time around. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 06-08-2014 - 3:18pm
Something deeper is going on here and things you are experiencing is merely tip of an iceberg.I would be very worried that if something is not done now, it might end bad/explode ! Go see a therapist ASAP, as in NOW He is finding ways to put you down, to stay away from you as long as possible, not let you make any decisions. He could be resenting you very deeply for something or could be something personal about himself. You wouldnt know till he comes clean and people who behave like this, never come clean so easily. A fact -- money, owning a house , jobs --- dont make a person happy ! leave alone a relationship. There is much more to happiness and you cant make anyone happy, just yourself. I'm sorry , non of us can help you here but you can get a sympathetic ear . A therapist is your best bet at this point. As for the poem you read :) , it also says : ' I WISH ' ! So, yeah, we all wish we had a happy,loving family but unfortunately, life is sometimes cruel and we have to take harsh steps even if we want to!