Could he be cheating??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Could he be cheating??
19
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:32am

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, at first things were great, but of course we are now out of the honeymoon stage. For about a year now our sex life has about become non-exsistent. We go so long without it that it makes me wonder if he's getting it somewhere else. We work totally different shifts, so we don't see each other alot, but we do get two days a week together, and even then I can barely get a peck on the cheek out of him.

About a year ago, he called me at work wanting me to come home and he was crying. I thought something was really wrong, so I rushed home. When I got home he was sitting in the floor crying and told me to look at the computer. When I went over to the computer there was a porn site up. He said he was sorry and that he'd ever do it again, and as far as I know he hasn't, unless he knows how to clear the history. So I forgave him, but lately I've thinking about it more and more. There are times when he's supposed to be home from work around 9, but it seems he never gets home before 10 at the earliest.

I've tried talking to him, about our lack of intimacy and he just always says he's tried, or not in the mood, or my favorite, the game's on right now.

Sorry this is lengty, I just wanted to give you a guys the reason I'm wondering, and how would be the best way to handle this; I don't want to come right out and ask him if he's cheating on me.

Thanks,

P.S. I'm 23 and he's 27. No kids.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:42am

I wouldn't ask him if he's cheating, but I would tell him that sex and intimacy are not options for you, they are necesseties and you need to work on this together if there is any hope the marriage can be saved, and that probably means marriage counseling (and perhaps a trip to the doctor to make sure nothing is medically wrong).

My ex-h was not interested in sex with me either, and he wasn't cheating. He just had a low sex drive and I suspect a lack of attraction for me (and perhaps all women). Some men have sudden medical problems that cause a lack of function or desire. Some people have underlying psychological issues that need to be dealt with before they can achieve a certain level of intimacy. There are lots of thing that could be going on other than cheating, but in any case he needs to want to work on this with you. If he doesn't think it's a problem and he's not willing to work on it, then even the best professional will not be able to fix the problem, whatever it is.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:11am

You should find out what your husband does when he gets off work. You don't have to interrogate him, simply ask him about his friends at work, his boss, who he eats lunch with, etc....Find out his work habits. Plus - you should be taking an interest in each other's day, it helps to keep you two connected.

Why would your husband be crying on the floor over porn? Porn can be a healthy thing when shared between a couple, maybe you have told him in the past that you are totally against such things? Maybe you two need something to "spice" things up? Make intimacy a priority! If you think it's going to be hard now, wait until you have kids....

If there is something wrong with his libido, perhaps he should seek medical help?

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:27am
Well I once thought about a doctor, but we're so young I didn't give it a second thought. Before we got married we both had agreed that porn was a bad thing. Not that I'm not open to the idea of trying different things, as long as porn's not invovled.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:02pm

Well that's a good thing that you are opened to trying different things. Maybe you both simply need to slow down and re-connect. Depending on what part of the country your in, maybe a romantic bed and breakfast. No pressure, just have fun and relax. Maybe the pressures on succeeding in a career is making your DH go crazy and it has "nothing" to do with another woman and most definetley nothing to do with you. Take the time to talk to one another "away" from the pressures of work. Does your husband talk openly with you? If you present this conversation in a non-threatening way, perhaps he will start to tell you things that may give you insight to your clashing libidos.
Another idea is if he's into sports - going to his favorite sporting event and having fun doing that. I find that whenever I do something that causes my husband to relax and have fun (like going to a game), he's much more amicable to any ideas I may suggest. His libido seems to increase more too, especially when his team wins (lol)!

**** Hugs ****

Maryanne0424

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:44pm

Hmmmm...a weekend away does sound like a good plan. Well thanks for the ideas, I guess the next time he's off, we just need to sit down and talk.

And you're right Maryanne, he is in a good mood after his football teams wins lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:18pm

The first thing that I thought of when you mentioned him calling you to come home and crying over porn is that he has an addiction problem, had planned to disclose that to you but fell short of that.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:49pm

Wow, thanks guys you've mentioned somethings I've not even thought of.

Before we were married, he was almost always the one wanting sex (strangely enough). I guess stress could be a reason, I know sometimes his job stresses him out at times, but I just figured it was nothing major, cuz we all get stressed at times; however, he could be more stressed than he's letting me know. Although, I don't know if I'd ever get him to a doctor to talk abou this. He'll barely go when he's got strep-throat (sp?)

But next weekend he's off I'm gonna try to get him to go on a little weekend trip. Thanks again, everyone!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 3:02pm
The way to get him to go to the doctor is being clear what the stakes are. If he's got a sore throat and he doesn't go, he has to muddle through the pain himself. If he doesn't get this checked out, the marriage could be at risk. He doesn't need to just do it for himself, he'd be doing it for you too, and hopefully he believes you are worth it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 3:37pm

I agree, and not just on getting to the doctor, either.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 3:49pm

LOL, yea I know what ya mean. Well after reading what everyone has to say, I'm ruling out cheating, which is good :). Well not this weekend but next weekend he's off so wish me luck. Boy that seems like a lifetime away lol.

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