A couple of questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
A couple of questions
21
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 1:24am

Remember this post:

I asked for his support on helping overcome being unaffectionate. I mentioned to him if I initiate holding his hand, maybe he could give me a squeeze letting me know he likes it or if I initiate a hug, maybe he could say "hey, this feels nice". However, he said that would be too hard on him to do this. I asked him why. He said, being affectionate should come naturally. He said he shouldn't have to work so hard in getting me to be more affectionate just to make him happy. That was his quote. Therefore, I was left shocked, confused and hurt.

Question #1:

How would you word it different if you were me?

Question #2:

How would you fill in the blank when you speak about yourself, keep the statements from you about you, not about him. . . sample and follow precisely: I feel ________ when ___________ happens.

What would some of your examples be?




Edited 1/6/2007 1:28 am ET by casey0201
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 5:30pm

Hmmm....maybe I'm still not making it very clear. Maybe this time, 3 will be a charm.

I am NOT trying to change my H. I'm changing ME. I want to learn how to speak with using the word "I" in my statements instead of blaming and accusing.

That is also why I wanted suggestions/advice on my question #2.

As you all know, I'm not good at speaking with "I", therefore, I am asking for suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 5:33pm
I appreciate your advice. By the way, thanks for your support on me getting a job and that you are pulling for both of us. I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 4:30am

OK. The *I* statements are *designed* to change other people and their behaviour. This is why I thought you were trying to change him.

For example: "When I clean the house all by myself, I feel like I'm the only one who appreciates a clean home" is another way of saying "get off your fat, lazy ass and help me" It's a way to ask someone to change without being confrontational.

So, if you're not trying to change his reactions to your attempts at affection, there is no point using an *I* statement.

Just to make it clear, what exactly are you trying to achieve by having this conversation with him?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 3:47pm

<>

This is a perfect example.

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Just to make it clear, what exactly are you trying to achieve by having this conversation with him?>>

I'm NOT going to have a conversation with him about affection. I just used that "affection paragraph" as an EXAMPLE. Just like you used the "example" of cleaning house.

Hopefully, this clears it up.

Can anyone provide me examples on question #2.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 4:41pm
Since the examples seem to be confusing everyone, maybe we need to know what the planned conversation will actually be about. That way we can be addressing the real situation when we respond. Right now, I feel like a dog in the kitchen spinning around and around trying to catch its tail. Let's all be specific, and all address the actual issues--maybe that will help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 6:08pm

I don't know how to make it any more clearer than I already have. I want to learn how to speak in "I" statements. To help me do that I have included an EXAMPLE paragraph and typed a question on how to do better with speaking in "I" terms. I'm sorry if this is not anymore clearer than it already is.

Please go to question #2. If I were to ask you how you would feel in the blanks and only speaking in "I" terms, what would you put in the blanks? Again, I can't make it anymore clearer than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 6:34pm

I will give you a couple more *I* statements.

When I have given lots of advice over time and have not seen it utilised, I feel like giving more advice will not be worthwhile.

Or

When I give advice and the recipient frequently disagrees with my suggestions, I feel frustrated and therefore unmotived to give more advice.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 7:12pm
Ok, that was good. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 7:59pm

Now, I should say that I'm not necessarily a believer in *I* statements. I believe that for them to work, the recipient must care about how the partner/friend/workmate feels and be open to changing attitudes. I believe the designer of this communication strategy makes the error of assuming all people care how their actions effect others.

At present, your husband does not care how his actions effect you. I don't believe that *I* statements will work with him. For that matter, I cannot think of any communication strategy that would work with him.

Sadly, the only communication that you husband is open to is general discussion which does not involve feelings and emotions.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 8:21pm

<>

I think talking in "I" statements would be better than starting the sentence with "You".

<>

You might be correct, but no one knows for sure. To be quite honest, I "still" think he does care.

<>

I think he doesn't want to have "relationship" discussion. However, talking about other things that involve feelings and emotions is not going to be a problem, IMO.