Culture Clash or Too Many Differences?
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Culture Clash or Too Many Differences?
| Wed, 01-04-2006 - 3:19pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together officially for 7 months, and seeing each other unofficially for almost 2 years, but the complicated part is we've been in love since we were 12 and 15 years old. But there was always so much standing between us we'd never officially start to date, we either stayed best friends or be together but not really together. Now I'm 17 and he's 20. We never really noticed that we were complete opposites. Our first thoughts towards our differences was that opposites attract and that's why our love is so strong. But lately, since we've been going from best friends, to lovers (again), to an official couple (for the first time), we've been fighting a lot.
It started about 3 months ago, we'd start bickering a little bit. Then we'd start to argue a lot, and within the last 2 months, all our differences have been driving us slightly apart. From my hatred of video games and his love for them, my want for a small tattoo and his disgust of them, to his completely different views on music, social issues like gay rights. My main thought was that we had a case of culture shock, where he's American and I'm Canadian, but now I'm not so sure.
He'd start making comments to get under my skin when he knows im going to take offence to them such as "I cant believe you like that music, its noisy garbage." or "Gay people are freaks, they deserve to be put on an island and blown up."
I've also got a real problem with his past relationships because they drove us so far apart when we were so much in love. I'm haunted by the fact that I've only ever had a sexual relationship with him and he's had other girls, it makes me feel sick to know that he truly loved me, let me know it but slept with these girls and stayed with them out of nothing more than convenience and compliance.
We took a few days apart with no contact and it seemed to do us a bit of good but is there a reason for this stage in our relationship or are we doing something wrong?
Thanks for listening...
It started about 3 months ago, we'd start bickering a little bit. Then we'd start to argue a lot, and within the last 2 months, all our differences have been driving us slightly apart. From my hatred of video games and his love for them, my want for a small tattoo and his disgust of them, to his completely different views on music, social issues like gay rights. My main thought was that we had a case of culture shock, where he's American and I'm Canadian, but now I'm not so sure.
He'd start making comments to get under my skin when he knows im going to take offence to them such as "I cant believe you like that music, its noisy garbage." or "Gay people are freaks, they deserve to be put on an island and blown up."
I've also got a real problem with his past relationships because they drove us so far apart when we were so much in love. I'm haunted by the fact that I've only ever had a sexual relationship with him and he's had other girls, it makes me feel sick to know that he truly loved me, let me know it but slept with these girls and stayed with them out of nothing more than convenience and compliance.
We took a few days apart with no contact and it seemed to do us a bit of good but is there a reason for this stage in our relationship or are we doing something wrong?
Thanks for listening...

I think what you are doing wrong is ignoring the obvious.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Everything Dirextor said is dead on right. You may have been completely compatible at 12 and 15, but you've both done a lot of growing, learning, shaping and molding who you are, what you believe, etc. IF you were ever alike, clearly that is no longer the case. And, as Dirextor pointed out, it's not little things like leaving the cap off the toothpaste, it's morals and values -- huge stuff, and it's stuff that's not going to change, either. It's absolutely necessary to have values and morals that are alike and compatible in order to have a healthy, happy, functioning relationship. I don't think it's so much that you haven't notice before as it is that you're still shaping what's important to you and where you stand on issues so that it's just now becoming a problem. If it is a case of not noticing until now, then you haven't had a relationship that's had you together enough to realize that you're not at all compatible. Either way the solution is the same,
Think compatibility, harmony, being with someone who shares the same ideals, likes and dislikes with you. Or, you can stay with him, hating what he's passionate about, him hating what you like, listening to him verbalize his social intolerance, all the while being full of the knowledge that he has not problem sleeping with others for convenience only -- no feelings involved. I don't know about you, but that doesn't come close to sounding like a good, happy, healthy, compatible relationship to me. Think how good it would be to be with someone who shared your beliefs, your passion and your ethics. THAT's what a relationship is supposed to be.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
EEEEK!!!
I see myself here.
I was 17 and he was 15 when we first started dating then we got married at 21 and 23. He was my first. That said, go read my other post about lying and see where you might be in 20 years if you don't go AT LEAST get out there and meet more compatible guys! You'll be surprised what you might find!
As for if he does more than play video games, yes he does. He only works 3 days a week and makes &15.50-$27.60 dollars an hour, drives a caddilac, owns a camaro, a big screen tv, and some of the most advanced expensive electronical equiptment. He's very well off, but on the four days off a week while I'm in school he'd ridden with boredome.
I'm willing to keep an open mind to any advice, but I'd really like to try to make it work rather than think about ending it so rashly.
Lying: When is enough, enough?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
There are certainly differences in any relationship. For instance, my taste in music is very different than my husband's and it always has been. But, we respect each other's right to like what we like. We listen to each other's music without complaint or put downs. The fact that your boyfriend calls degrades your likes and preferences is not okay, but you can't change him from being opinionated, disrespectful, intolerant and rude, it's who he is.
Relationships aren't about changing your partner; if your partner is right for you, no change is necessary. You don't pick a partner then go about trying to change them into what you want, you choose them -- and stay with them -- because they are right. If you want to continue this relationship you'll need to realize that you can't change him and you can't expect he'll ever change. All you can realistically expect is exactly what you see today. You'll have to decide that you can accept him as he is, and that you'll be happy and satisfied with that. Otherwise, you're in the wrong place for the wrong reason with the wrong motives.
I understand that you've had a tough start with a family that's less than reliable or a support to you and I understand how hard it would be to consider moving away from the person you see as the only thing that's represented stability to you. But you're not a little kid anymore and you'll never know what you're capable of or how right this relationship is unless you venture out and have some real live experiences of your own.
I don't really expect you'll take heed of anything that's been said. I hope that you'll take this one in though:
Take it slow, don't make anything permanent, not for many, many years to come and learn all you can about appropriate, healthy relationships. Have you considered therapy to take a good look at how growing up in a dysfunctional environment has shaped you, thereby having the ability to unlearn some unhealthy lessons you took in?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"