Curfews-what time is too late?
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| Sat, 05-27-2006 - 1:21pm |
hello all,
about once or twice a month my husband goes to hang out with the boys. my husband doesnt go out much, but when he does he seems to stay out all night. many times i'd joke and say 'see you tomorrow' when he left because i knew i'd be asleep when he got home. now i wake up and he's still not home. sometimes he apologizes and says he fell asleep or he drank too much and didnt want to drive, etc. other times he doesnt acknowledge it at all.
i think its disrespectful for him to come home the next day. i dont know why but to me, he's not a single man anymore and he shouldnt live like one. i feel like he's trying to keep his friends from teasing him at my expense. he knows that i dont like it but he does it anyway.
what do you think? should i get over it? some have told me to be glad he comes home at all. does anyone have an understanding about what time is too late too come home?

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Yeah...my SO staying out all night on a regular basis would not work for me. I would have made it clear the first time it happened that it was NOT to happen again...he can take a taxi if he can't drive!
But...given that you've apparently tolerated it for a while, I think it's going to be tough to ask for a change now. Is this a dealbreaker for you, or can you live with it?
Sheri
"some have told me to be glad he comes home at all."
It doesn't matter what other people think you should be glad about.
that is the hard part. of course I dont want to end my marriage over something like this, which I think can be fixed if he would exercise some self control by not drinking until he cant drive, or if he would care less about his friends laughing at his wife giving him a curfew. at the same time I cannot tolerate it. it gets me angry everytime it happens. i would think if its something I could tolerate, after a while it wouldnt bother me as much.
i cant seem to make him understand that it bothers me and that should be enough for him to stop staying out. his idea is that he's doing nothing wrong (like seeing other women) so why am i making a big deal out of it
I think staying out all night at age is teenager - young adult behavior and he's 33.
For what it's worth, I don't think opting not to drive home if you've had too much to drink is a bad thing, and I'm betting you agree. You don't seem to be concerned that he's out doing other than he's telling you (you don't seem to be concerned that he's cheating), which would seem to make the issue common courtesy. Would you be okay with the situation if he just told you from the beginning that he wouldn't be home? Maybe he could just plan to stay the night, and if so, that would end any thought that he would be home. Expecting him to call home and let you know not to expect him is very reasonable too, although I would not tolerate phone calls at 3 a.m. telling me not to expect him! I know you've said that you've had conversations with him about this, does he not get that it's concerning when he doesn't come home? Does he not understand that it causes worry? If you went out for a night out with the girls and just didn't bother to show up until the next day would he be okay with that? If you haven't, you might try painting a scenario of you going out, him at home and you not returning at all and ask him how he'd feel, if that would be okay with him. Is it possible that he doesn't call because he knows he'll catch hell from you if he does? If that's the case, you might agree to not react badly in exchange for being made aware of the situation.
Maybe it's situation where you'd be okay with it if it happened less frequently? Maybe you can reach an agreement where he agrees that whatever the number of nights a month he goes out is he will choose one to stay out all night, and agrees to come home the other nights. The bottom line is that you can't *make* him come home at all. The fact that he doesn't shows a lack of basic care and respect and irresponsibility and that would be hard to accept.
To answer the title of your post " Curfews-what time is too late?", I'd say no adult should really need a curfew, but in your situation, I'd say what's happening isn't acceptable. Since that's the case, I'd say a curfew should be mutually agreed on and should apply equally to both partners.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
i would rather it not happen at all but like you said i cant make him come home. i posed that very scenario with me staying out and he said he wouldnt like it, but that it would be out of character for me so its not the same. whatever he says, i still dont like that he stays out. its making me withdraw from him emotionally (and therefore sexually), because as you all have said i feel that he is ignoring my feelings.
thanks for your advice.
i agree! this is part of the reason why it bothers me... he's not choosing me. I told him all of this. i feel like he still needs to prove something to them. meanwhile, i'm at home alone. he said he feels restricted if he has to be back before he's done with his 'male bonding' time. and because he feels he is doing nothing wrong, he wont change.
i thought about staying out like he does, even if i stayed with family and told him i was out with friends... just so he could see what it feels like. i've tried that with other things and he sees that as justification for what he's doing. like its okay for him to do it because I just did it, so why was I complaining when he did it. he doesnt get it... or doesnt want to
I'm surprised you'd accept his answer of "it would be out of character for me so its not the same". It does matter. There are not two sets of rules for the two of you; you each abide by the same set of rules. He wouldn't like it if you stayed out? Then he owes it to you to treat you as he would want to be treated. That's just common courtesy and basic manners, nothing special or fancy, just common considerations and equality. He has no right to decide that he's entitled to do something different, that's sexist and controlling. It says he sees himself on a different level than he sees you, he has more options, more leeway, more entitlement; you have less and you are less. I wouldn't accept that answer for one second. I don't know anyone who would.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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