Curfews-what time is too late?
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| Sat, 05-27-2006 - 1:21pm |
hello all,
about once or twice a month my husband goes to hang out with the boys. my husband doesnt go out much, but when he does he seems to stay out all night. many times i'd joke and say 'see you tomorrow' when he left because i knew i'd be asleep when he got home. now i wake up and he's still not home. sometimes he apologizes and says he fell asleep or he drank too much and didnt want to drive, etc. other times he doesnt acknowledge it at all.
i think its disrespectful for him to come home the next day. i dont know why but to me, he's not a single man anymore and he shouldnt live like one. i feel like he's trying to keep his friends from teasing him at my expense. he knows that i dont like it but he does it anyway.
what do you think? should i get over it? some have told me to be glad he comes home at all. does anyone have an understanding about what time is too late too come home?

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maybe i need to clarify. he said if i was doing as he is doing-hanging out with friends he knew, sleeping off some drinks, etc... then he would be fine with me staying out but since its not in my character to do these things, he would be upset. maybe character was the wrong choice of words, but staying out isnt something i normally do when i go out with friends. i know what he meant. he wasnt putting me on a lower level.
my initial post was asking for insight on how to come to a happy medium, but now i'm defending my husband and feeling insulted by your comments about what i'm accepting from him. even worse, "i dont know anyone who would" ... that sounds like you're putting me on a lower level.
if you wouldnt accept it, does that mean you would get a divorce if he didnt stop staying out? how would you make him stop?
You can't make him stop. You can't make him come home earlier. The ONLY thing you can do is accept it or leave. Those are the 2 things you have the power to do. especially since he doesn't see anything wrong with it.
Jen
Edited 6/2/2006 7:37 pm ET by imasillynut
Sorry for the misunderstanding. I thought you were saying that he said since staying out all night wasn't something you'd do, you couldn't compare his doing it to you doing it. If he were saying that he would be saying you have a double standard, it's all right for him, but not for you. I didn't think staying out with friends was something you'd do, it doesn't have to be to ask him how he'd feel in the situation. So, he'd be upset if you did it. From there it should be a pretty easy step to him using a little empathy to understand how you feel when he does it; if he'd be upset he can imagine how you feel and also shouldn't want continue to do something that he agrees would be wrong of you.
I can't tell you what's an acceptable compromise, I don't know what's acceptable to you. Would a phone call telling you he's not coming home satisfy you? Would just making plans not to come home until the next day resolve this? Or do you need him to come home, period?
Jen's right, you can't *make* him stop. You can't make anyone do anything. He has to agree to whatever you're willing to accept -- and he should be willing to compromise. But the bottom line is that if he refuses to do anything differently there's nothing you can do to change him, the only person you can change is you. If he's not willing to make changes you can choose to accept it and live with it or you can choose to refuse to accept it. But in refusing you'll have to make some changes that have you not dealing with it anymore.
Again I'm sorry that I angered you, it wasn't my intent. But I will stand behind my feeling that if he continues to disregard your very understandable concerns for this disrespectful behavior, he is indeed being disrespectful to you.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'd say your boyfriend is pretty clearly telling you that this is not an issue he's willing to compromise on; you can either accept what he does happily or move on - he's not planning to change it. As lousy as that may seem, the good news is he's letting you know plainly and clearly in the dating stage so that you have every opportunity to decide whether being tied to a man like this is what you want or not.
IMO, adults don't need curfews, your his girlfriend, his wife, his partner, whatever, not him mother. If you aren't agreeable to the time he chooses to come home, talking about it is the right thing to do. It seems in this case that's just what you've done. The ball's in your court.
Wondering here, are there other areas that he feels you're trying to control him in? How long have you been together? How old are you?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
i will try one suggestion i got recently - maybe if he goes out more often and comes home earlier... maybe it will balance out. i just dont want to wake up in the morning and he's STILL not home. coming home late is not that bad, but the next day is just too much for me.
thanks for all your advice.
Maybe a taxi is an option? It can be expensive, but worth it!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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