"D" word used--am anxious

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
"D" word used--am anxious
5
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 8:10pm

My husband and I have been married only 9 months. We've had our arguments and fights in our relationship, some worse than others, but I thought we were really happy overall, and I never doubted his commitment to our relationship and marriage. Until this weekend. We had hit a mild rough patch that lasted a few days. No big deal and nothing more (from my end) then just stress and many changes (we recently moved, both started new jobs) making us crazy. then, on Sunday, Somehow, we got into this ridiculous fight about what color to paint our kitchen (seriously) and it just kept escalating and escalating. I went into the bedroom to calm down. He barged in. I yelled at him to get out and tried to shut the door. He actually pushed against me shoving the door back open. It may not be a big deal to some people, but for me, it was a really agressive move that is very uncharacteristic for him. He's usually very, very sweet and gentle. That in and of itself would be upsetting, but this is when things got BAD for us. He actually said to me, "I'm so unhappy that all I can think of sometimes is divorcing you." I crumbled. We spent the next four hours crying. We agree we need to go to counseling, but I feel really, really shaken. I used to feel completely secure in his commitment to me and now I doubt it. I really can't believe a word he says. I can't shake this fear that he'll leave me... if not today than a few years from now. We had been thinking about starting a family soon, but now, I can't even think about having a baby until I feel secure again.

Is this a common thing that people go through? Do people really throw around divorce in an argument? I can't imagine ever saying that to him. I'm really disoriented. I don't know if this is a big red flag or just a blip we'll get over and forget about it. Anyone else have this experience? Thanks so much for your thoughts. I appreciate it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 8:20pm
Oh! Almost forgot an important point. I asked him later if he really wanted a divorce and he said that "he couldn't imagine not spending the rest of his life with me." So, even though he essentially said he didn't mean what he said, it really has shaken my trust in him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 1:13am

Welcome to the board, Windymore ~


I can understand you being so upset, the whole incident sounds like it was very out of character and not at all what you've seen before or would have expected to see from him. I think anytime an argument becomes physical it is a big deal, and I think you're right to be shaken by it and I think it should be paid attention to. Physical altercations, once begun can become more frequent, and that would be a very dysfunctional and abusive situation to get into. I think it's possible to have happen without meaning you're heading for an abusive marriage, but I do think you should keep aware of it. Has he ever broken things, punched walls, blocked you from leaving a room or anything that seemed scary or concerning even if it wasn't directly aimed at you? If so, there's more to be concerned about. Let me know, okay?


Throwing around the "d" word isn't something that should happen. It's not a good thing to say or threaten, I know you're going to hate me saying this, but I'd say it's said in dysfunctional relationships, in immature relationships and in relationships or situations that don't have good fighting skills. It's one of those things that once said is easier to say again, and a threat like that, or the suggestion of the threat, is not something to be tossed out lightly. It does just what you've experienced, causes concern and mistrust, doubt and insecurity. If it continues you'll eventually get to the place that you don't believe what he says and if your relationship gets to the point that you're in serious trouble, you won't believe him when he says it; you'll have heard it too many times.


What I really think is that you're young (it sounds like it and you haven't been married long), you're in a very stressful place right now (moving, new jobs, etc. -- all very stressful, you're not used to dealing with extremely stressful situations, and you're both melting down in your ability to handle it.


I think you're going to be okay, but I do think seeing a couples counselor is the right thing to do. There you'll learn a lot about dealing with each other so you'll be able to handle stresses in a more productive and positive way. I hope you've already made the appointment. Be sure the counselor/therapist is accredited to work with couples, it's important.


BTW, I believe you when you say this whole fight was over paint color. A friend who's been married for 30 years once told me if a marriage can withstand wallpapering together, it can withstand anything ~ lol!


Best of luck, and let us know how it's going!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 1:15pm

I would like to start by saying this is only my opinion - I am not a therapist. That said, I believe if his actions were very uncharacteristic for him, that he's feeling hopeless that your relationship will ever improve. He's striking out, perhaps subconsciously, to get your attention. Although his method is not necessarily the best, he has your attention. Besides, who has never done or said something in a less than perfect manner that they wish they could edit/undo?

If it's of value to you and your dh, then you will work this through. Counseling is a good idea because it is very difficult for one to see their own flaws and contributions to a situation. A good counselor will help direct you. As long as you both love one another and both want to make it work, you can. It may not be simple, but it will be worth it.

That said, please do not live in fear of him leaving you. Please know that you will be perfectly okay without him if it comes to that. You need no one to make you whole. You may feel pain, but it will pass. I also have to say that I respect your holding off on children until you've worked your way through this. That is very admirable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 6:16pm

Thanks so much for your comments! They were very thoughtful and helpful. The pushing thing was VERY out of character for my husband. He's never done anything violent towards me... or anyone as long as I've known him. No throwing things, punching things, no shoving. But regardless, it did worry me. Not so much because I think it would devolve into an abusive marriage (although I know that's always a possibility and something I will keep an eye out for) but it signaled his desperation. He's been really, really stressed out and I wonder if he might be depressed, which would also explain his behavior. Not an excuse at all, though, and I know that.

Regarding the "divorce" thing, I think the comment that we don't know how to fight productively was spot on. I came from a family where arguments and pretty intense fights happened a lot. He came from a family that fought RARELY. And when they did, they would retreat and not discuss it after that. So, you can see that this could be a problem for us in our marriage. When a fight starts between us, it just sort of goes around in circles. He reacts in ways I don't understand and I'm sure I do the same.

Also, we're young but not really young--right around 30, so we definitely did have independent lives before we met each other, and I think that's part of this--we are adjusting to approaching our life together as a couple rather than as individuals. It's not an easy transition.

We definitely are going to counseling. We really, really love each other, so we'll do whatever it takes to fix this.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:15am

I'm glad you recognize the potential danger in the physical part of the argument. My feeling from what you said was that this was a one-time out of control act, but I couldn't make myself say that, not really knowing your history and what you deemed as a "problem" (you'd be surprised what some people think is acceptable or typical to happen that are huge concerns and red flags!). I'm glad you know to be aware. Hopefully he was just as disturbed by the level this went to and that will serve to help him keep himself in check from now on.


You guys have a lot of pressures and probably not a lot of experience dealing with these kinds of things. Especially when he hasn't grown up learning how to fight productively, and it sounds like you probably didn't either, though you grew up on opposite sides of the spectrum. I'm glad you're going to counseling, I think it's a great move and it will give you the skills you need to move forward in a healthy, happy, appropriate way.


Best of luck ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"