Dating or marrying a nerdy guy
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Dating or marrying a nerdy guy
| Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:31pm |
I'm about to celebrate my 2-year anniversary with my husband, and an issue we've often dealt with is his love of nerdy hobbies. He sometimes seems to spend more time on his computer than with me, and his hobbies (like Dungeons & Dragons) aren't exactly dinner party material.
We've really been able to "figure it out." I know how to tell him when he's getting too obsessed with something, and he's helped me understand why he likes some things that might otherwise seem childish to me. But I'm just curious, has anyone else had similar issues? What advice do you have for being with a nerdy guy?

Um, we prefer the term "geeky". And I definitely married a geeky guy. Though he talked me into D&D too and I love it. And we talk about it at dinner parties. He's into politics too but I've learned to just let him ramble there. And we had a "who knows more about Star Wars" match that he won hands-down (against other Star Wars geeks). And he likes to quote Thomas Aquinas or Aristotle, though I have tempered that one a bit. :D
We've been together 11 years now. I guess it helped that I do have a small geeky side, so it's not totally foreign, though he can geek me out sometimes. ;)
Jen
My husband and I are both heavily involved in "nerdy hobbies" as you would call them. Just because a person enjoys things that most don't doesn't make them childish. And it goes both ways, we can't understand how everyone else we know sits for 4-5 hours every single night watching boring shows like American Idol and then spends all their free time talking about it over and over.
Maybe you could try his childish hobbies for yourself sometime before you dismiss them out of hand. It wouldn't be the first time a spouse or significant other has gone from thinking games were silly to finding out that they enjoyed them once they tried it out.
Love your nerdy guy for who he is! :)
I understand, but I'm not sure what the answer is.
My husband and I met online and have been married for 9 years (chat online, irc, not "online matchmaking" and our first connection was our love of computers). Since then I've developed other hobbies in the "real world". He still goes online A LOT and it's expanded to a new thing called Second Life -- kind of a role playing chat/fake world/dance club sort of place. I think it bothers me more because I can look over at the monitor (his computer is in our little TV room) and SEE the other people he's talking to.
I completely trust him and he would never cheat on me, but sometimes it REALLY annoys me that he seems to spend more time with people online than with me. Or that he seems more interested in the lives of people he has never met than whatever I happen to be talking (or trying to talk) to him about. If I want to go out at night I have to let him know a week ahead of time so he can ask for a night off from his "online job" in the fake world.
If I say anything and he begins staying off line I feel like I am depriving him of his friends. If I don't say anything I am the sad one. Catch 22 - no winning.
Sometimes it bothers me more than other times. I am techy too (I have my own computer -- no sharing!) but I've outgrown the make believe world. I just wish I didn't feel like I have to go online to talk to someone in my own house :(
Many times I feel pretty alone in this situation. The women I am close to aren't techie at all and would never understand. I'd be interested to hear if any other techie wifes have this issue and how you deal with it.
- Ambria
Welcome to the board, Beverly ~
I guess I don't see nerdy hobbies any differently than I see any other hobbies. Everybody - or nearly everybody - has likes and dislikes that aren't shared by your partner. It's perfectly okay to have your own passions and do your own thing, the key to whether this works in the relationship is in whether your partner can accept who you are and what you do happily, without needing you to change to be right for you. It sounds like your husband acknowledges that he gets obsessed and welcomes your "heads up" that he'd getting to that place; if that's the case, it sounds pretty acceptable to me.
But you've mentioned that his hobby is hardly "dinner party material"; and that sounds a bit like you're embarrassed or uncomfortable with it, is that right? Surely he has more qualities, opinions and input that would be "dinner party material", doesn't he? Do you guys have interests you share?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"