Dating a recovering alcoholic/drug user

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Dating a recovering alcoholic/drug user
4
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:32am

Hi. I truly hope this is the right place to be posting this question. If not, I deeply apologize in advance and hope someone can steer me in the right direction!

I am middle aged and I met a man who is in recovery after 30 years of alcohol and drug use. He has been sober for a 3 years. He now works for the company that helped him become sober and lives in a sober house as a House Parent, here in Florida.

Benjamin was up front and disclosed everything before we met in person. He is amazed that I still wanted to meet him because his past usually scares other women away. We have been dating for a few months and everything seems to be going well, except that he has very low self esteem. He says that he doesn't want to hurt me because all of the girls in his past have ended up being losers. He has always dated people who drink. I am the complete opposite. I have never had a drink in my life and never smoked or taken any drug. He says he doesn't want me to fall head over heals in love with him, because I will get hurt. A good part of all of his days are spent with other clients and going to meetings.

I don't judge people. It is all in the way I was brought up! I want him to feel comfortable with me and know that I am behind him 100%. Yes, I have told him this. How can I make him understand that I am here for him, through thick and thin. I think he is a great person and has alot to offer the world. What can I do to help? I enjoy helping people and only want the best for everyone in the world!

Thanks for reading!

Melody

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:49am

You can't give him self esteem, he has to

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 12:18pm

As someone who has been sober for 12 years now, I would say that his insecurities and low self-esteem are a separate issue from his sobriety/recovery. Not everyone who gets sober has these issues so I wouldn't ascribe them to the fact that he's in recovery.

One thing I have noticed though is that many people in recovery think that so long as they are staying sober and going to meetings, etc that they don't have to do any other work on themselves, and I just don't agree with that. I have done individual counseling since becoming sober to work on other issues I had that weren't really related to drinking and/or my sobriety, including some insecurity and self-esteem issues. My sobriety helped me see that I *had* those issues but being in recovery and working the program didn't resolve the issues.

My point in saying this is if he doesn't see his low self-esteem as an issue he needs to work on in counseling, then there's little chance that he's going to change. In any event, that change needs to come from within him, you can't do it for him. If he doesn't think he's "worthy" it doesn't matter that you think he's awesome...he will just come to think that you're somehow flawed for believing that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 9:11pm

I think this man's statement: "Don't fall head over heels in love with me because you will get hurt..." probably has less to do with him being a recovering addict and more to do with his ambivalence about being in a serious relationship with you. Whenever a man warns you not to get too close, you should listen to him. Think about it... how many happy relationships start off with a warning that you're going to get hurt?

Maybe it is his low self esteem that's in the way.. maybe he's in need of additional therapy, like Sheri suggested. Or maybe he's just giving you (and himself) an OUT.

I know it's very confusing, because the same man who is telling you to "beware" is also (benefiting from/enjoying) your companionship to some degree, so he doesn't break up with you outright. It's on you if you continue seeing him and taking the risk of getting hurt somewhere down the line. He was honest with you, afterall. But this is not a tactic peculiar to recovering alcholics... it's something many people do when they're unsure or fence-sitting in a relationship.

It does take a certain amount of time before a recovering person is emotionally stable enough to be in a healthy relationship. It's a very individual thing, of course. But I would say (generally) that 3 years clean and sober is enough time... if the recovering person is with the RIGHT partner.

Of course, I could be completely wrong about your friend... he could end up feeling more for you than he thought was possible. But given his warning to you, I'd say you should keep your eyes open and your heart protected. And I think it's great that you have no negative judgments about him because of his past alcohol/drug use. He is on a very special journey, and you are in for an enlightening experience if you end up walking the road together.

Good luck, and my best to you both.




Edited 7/9/2006 9:13 pm ET by jilly73
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 11:43pm

I agree with what you've been told so far. It sounds like he's done a great job in achieving and maintaining sobriety, but he's done nothing to look into and address his self esteem issues. The years of drinking may have given him more reason for guilt, for feeling bad about himself, but I highly doubt it's where the problem started. If he has esteem problems (and it's clear he does), the only person who can make him feel better about himself is him. Are you able to suggest seeing a therapist to deal with his self esteem issues? If it's at all possible for you to do, I would.


If this is a relationship you plan to continue (and it sounds like you do), I would also suggest becoming involved in an Alanon group to get a feel for appropriately dealing with an alcoholic (even if he's in recovery), and a general understanding of life with an alcoholic, in recovery or not.







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