Deal With Conflict Differently! (long)

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Registered: 05-19-2003
Deal With Conflict Differently! (long)
24
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 2:02pm

Hi to all of you great ladies (and probably a few men). I've posted here irregularly in the past but lurk often. 2nd_Life, if you're reading this, you and I have emailed due to prior postings, where you also referred me to the domestic abuse board - and thank you for that! (I posted under the nickname "borismchugh" those times.)

All of that being said, I do spend time on the abuse board, because I believe H is emotionally abusive and I know it's a situation I need to get out of. I do have 2 small children which makes it difficult and while I try to establish a timeline for leaving, I need to try to "keep the peace" so to speak, without losing myself in the process.

My issue today is this: When H has a problem with something, he usually gives me the silent treatment or uses sarcasm and is very confrontational. Occasionally we're able to have somewhat "rational" arguments, but it's usually when I'm the one bringing something up. My way is probably over the top in the nice and thought out department, based on the way he is but anyway, when I'm upset I try to wait for a quiet moment when he hasn't had a bad day and approach the situation calmly, trying to be very careful of wording everything right i.e. not being confrontational, using the words "I feel like" or "it seems when we...." instead of "you always do this", "why don't you figure out...", "it's your fault that..." etc. which is the way he likes to address something he's upset about. He loves to start out with one problem he's having and then tack on a few more and by the time he's done I'm boiling!

This was today: DD is almost 3 and we're weaning her off of the pacifier. She is hooked on it for sleeping, right after she wakes up and in the car because DD, DS and myself have a long commute everyday. H announces one day last week to DD - "that's it, you're done with the paci except for sleeping". Hello - he never discussed it with me except when we talked about her stopping it when she's 3. At that point I pulled him aside and said "I would appreciate it if we could discuss these things ahead of time - I'm the one that will be dealing with the "separation" process more than you will." and we agreed to do it more slowly saying that while at home she gets the paci in bed only but still has it in the car. Well, I kind of screwed up I guess, because I still let her have it in the a.m. while she gets ready because then she just takes it in the car. This week was her last week for having it in the car so therefore she wouldn't have it in the morning next week. So, he sees her with it this a.m. and immediately says "why do you have that paci?" and then turns to me and goes off saying "this is why she whines so much, she's always getting different information from us, we agreed she wouldn't have it except for bed, I don't know why I bother saying anything around here, you never listen. and by the way, you left the garbage cans out last night and didn't turn on the outside light, why not just announce that someone should come by and try to break in." (he was out last night getting drunk with friends, which he does twice a week while I got home at 7:00 a.m. with the kids, fed, bathed, played with, put to bed, emptied and loaded dishwasher, did load of laundry, picked up and finally fell into bed at 10:15 p.m. But, I digress....) Of course I immediately lost it, listed off all of those things I'd done the night before while he got in the car and left. He called and continued the argument from the car, saying I never listen to him, I always have to be right, why does he ever bring anything up, etc.

My problem is the way he communicates. Very confrontational. I am very non-confrontational, which also isn't good and I'm trying work on that. My parents never argued in front of me which probably gave me an unrealistic view of marriage in that regard and made it difficult for me to deal with confrontation but I KNOW that and feel I've worked at it. With anyone else I'm fine but when he goes off on me, I feel very attacked and naturally go on the offensive. I've tried very hard to remain calm but he makes me so mad. I don't feel I always need to be right and I think most of the time there is no "right or wrong" but he always feels there is. It's so completely frustrating and just one of many reasons why I need to leave. I've told him if he could just stop for a minute (or a day!) and bring things up calmly, I'd be less likely to be immediately on the defensive. Then he goes off on this "i know, i'm not perfect, now you're trying to tell me how to talk to you" tangent which solves nothing. Do I think because (one time) the garbage cans are out at 11:00 at night and the outside light is off means we're more likely to be burglarized? Not at all but I'd agree to not let it happen again. Which I told him later when I had calmed down.

Am I doing something wrong here? Could I communicate more effectively with him? God knows once we divorce (some day!) I'll still need to deal with him because of our children and I don't want every conversation to break down into this. And, although later on this a.m. he apologized, said he was stressed out, that's always his excuse and we'll go through this again sooner than I'd like. He won't work on his end of this, so I need to work on mine. But frankly, I'm at a loss. It's SUCH a struggle for me to remain calm lately although I usually can. Ugh. I just can't stand him most of the time and that's the main problem. Maybe I need an outlet - a punching bag? LOL!

I'm sorry this got so long and involved but I'd appreciate any input. You guys have SUCH good advice on this board - which is why I lurk so often! I'd love some help.

Thanks so much.
Lisa

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
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Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:47pm

plainjane95 - thank you for your response. I'm sorry I've been unable to respond until now.

I needed to take some time to decide how to respond to your post. I decided that, while I could go ahead and list plenty of instances that show me and might show you that H is emotionally abusive, I don't need to defend myself in that regard. I also believe that most people, myself included, come to these boards to vent, share problems, look for solutions, etc. because it's a way to hear others' experiences and thoughts without having to relay our life's history but rather focus on a particular area or problem. Obviously counseling is the way to go to get a professional's opinion in a setting where you do share intimate and personal information as a way of sorting through whatever problems you are having. I felt that while my marriage may not have improved much based on the 6 months of counseling H and I had, I learned some interesting things about myself.

I do listen to H. Always. I made a mistake with the pacifer problem. His interpretation of listening is "you never do things my way". Whether or not he's actually told me what he wants or he just wants me to figure it out on my own. The fact is, I've listened to every complaint (and there have been many) and adjusted the way I do things just to make him happy. Now you may say that I'm a "victim" and have low-self esteem because I've bent over backwards to please him. But, 2nd_life defined emotional abuse very well in one of her responses to you so I'll just let that stand and say I completely agree with everything she said. In no way did I - a strong, independent, thoughtful, caring woman - ever imagine that I'd end up in a relationship that has turned out like this.

"You probably have a ton of resentment against him and probably even fail to notice when he DOES make a genuine effort. "

You are correct - right now I have a lot of resentment towards H and sometimes with conflict arises, I don't deal with it well. I also agree that I screwed up with the pacifier incident and I did apologize to him for that. What I have a problem with is that one issue brings up the whole "no one ever listens to me, I don't know why I bring anything up" tantrum onto which he tacked the garbage can and light issue. Obviously that in and of itself does not show emotional abuse. It is a "normal" marriage issue and one that, had it not been brought up in the heat of the moment, would have been resolved simply by me saying "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so concerned about the cans coming in and the light being on. I just got busy and forgot. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again." I was just looking for a way that I can handle these situations differently so they don't blow up like that. I'm not so sure there is a way but I am going to be sure I read the articles that 2nd-life recommended and go from there.

Also, I have learned from the past with H that I'd better recognize every wonderful thing he does because if I don't, well, it's just another tantrum. And he does do some wonderful things. Why do you think I'm still married to him? The last 4 years have been amazingly difficult - quite a rollercoaster ride. Believe me it was not my intention to get pregnant immediately after marrying him but it happened and I've just tried to do my best ever since them. I grew up in a very Christian home. Divorce IS NOT an easy decision for me to make. So, speaking for myself only here, if someone on these boards were to advise me to go that route, that advice would just be part of all of the information I've been collecting over the years in trying to make one of the most difficult decisions ever and try to do the right thing for my children AND myself.

And finally, we've had many, many discussions about his drinking. The bottom line is he doesn't see a reason to change. I've begged, pleaded, gotten angry, been nice - whatever, it doesn't matter. And gradually, as things got worse - and I know you'll love this - it became a break for me because I knew he wouldn't be at home. So most of the time I look forward to him being out. Yes, it's completely backwards and anyone in a normal relationship must think the worst of me. It's terrible but it's the way things have progressed. It's not good. My previous posts were just to see if I was being completely blind and if anyone thought this behavior could mean he was also cheating on me. I still believe it's possible.

I don't know if I addressed everything you mentioned. I appreciate your posts. I'm the type of person that has no problem looking inward to see if a problem lies with me. Unfortunately, it's that quality that has helped bring me to where I am with H.

L

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Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 2:10pm

The old qualifier applies:

If YOU think THEY drink too much - YOU belong in Al-Anon.

If THEY think THEY drink too much - THEY will go to AA on their own!

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

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Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 2:24pm

2nd_life - thank you for your post and the links to the articles. I haven't had a chance to read them yet but look forward to it. I also apologize in taking awhile to respond. There's no way I could've done so at home.

I think you're right, I'm kind of looking for damage control here. It's so frustrating. Things can be nice and "normal" for quite awhile and then go downhill quickly. But I guess the reality is, when it's calm it's still not a normal relationship. I know I screwed up with the pacifier, she shouldn't have had it in the morning. Maybe part of that was me unconsciously trying to "get back" at him for him demanding she give it up without discussing with me? I don't know.... I also understand what you're saying about taking it away from her. She had some dental problems back last September and her dentist told me she needed to give it up. I knew she wasn't ready then but I've been telling her since then that when she turned 3 she had to give it up. Weaning her is the only way to do it which is another reason I was so ticked at H for saying she had to drop it "cold turkey". I've been trying to encourage her to hold a stuffed animal at night so she can maybe go to that for comfort. It worked great with DS. I understand your thoughts and thank you for expressing them.

I also want to thank you for your responses to plainjane95. I think you explained emotional abuse so well. It's still amazing to me that I am where I am. It's so easy to look back and say "jeez, what were you thinking?" It seems as though every decision I made to try to be a loving, supportive, partner - trying to "help" him, stand by him, understand him, give him what he needed - slowly led me here, considering divorce. I've been reading some great books, the one you recommended by Lundy and another one that finally made me feel like I'm not crazy and that I'm not alone. What a relief that is. It's been making me stronger, but I'm still not prepared to leave. It truly is difficult.

I enjoy reading your posts to everyone on this board. Where do you find the time?!? Your responses are always well thought out and helpful. Right now I'm looking forward to reading the articles you mentioned. Hopefully they'll help somehow.

Lisa

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Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 2:38pm

The best self-help advice I ever got was from my dad, who had no idea he was making a pivotal point when I was 14....mind you, I didn't think he knew what he was talking about till I was 35!

"Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. The reason for this is so that at all times you're living up to your standards, within your boundaries, and by your principles and ethics. It means you don't question your own integrity or character and you didn't "cause" what is happening to be the reality of the moment. That allows you stand back and assess what they're doing and see if it meet yours standards. But it is not you doing for others what you want done for you, thinking they have to reciprocate in kind. That's the approach taken by immature, irresponsible people who don't assess character, before making promises and having expectations and creating obligations."

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
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Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 2:43pm

Erin,

"I'd be treating them as someone I enjoy and respect and admire for 'who they are" - they're fun, but they're unpredictable, rather like either a "cute puppy" or something simlar. I'd realize I can't ocntrol them, or predict them - it becomes my option to "nejoy" them while letting them run free."

I think that back in the beginning that was kind of how I treated him. And it was fine, sort of, when we were dating but not once we were married and had children. He became the third child. Or, maybe he was my first? Only half-way kidding.

I love having your perspective. Again, I think it's right on. And, I know I am emotionally drained and getting tired of being the only one who is responsible on a daily basis. He's responsible when he feels like it. And along those lines, I wish I could be as irresponsible as he has been and get away with it!!

Thank you again for your insight.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 3:43pm

All the people that were opposed to your marriage, that you repsect and admire as individuals, they weren't trying to tell you "he's no fun" or "he's not a good person".

They were trying to tell you he's as mature and stable and reliable as he wants to be and you marrying him is either going to eliminate alot of your options because you can't rely on him....or it's going to have you creating alot of obligations, debt, and requirement that you alone live up to.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
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Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 5:27pm
Your father sounds like a wise man. Some good words to live by. And in response to your other post, my well-meaning friends had few words of warning but even if they had warned me I probably wouldn't have listened. I was too blindly in love back then, thinking I could fix everything, change everything. In retrospect, who am I to fix or change anyone? It's not possible and I've learned my lesson the hard way - by experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 5:49pm

Think about something...here's you getting into what doesn't work or that you want to change thinking "you" are giong to be the great salvation, or the divining light and right.

That simply means you don't like who you are - and rather than self-change - you want to put your fingers nd efforts into someone else's change....so taht it meets your standards.

If you can't enjoy someone as they are - it's your obligation to self to disasociate. That's the only adult option there is.

You can't change another person, values justify actions. And you can't define another person so that you like how you view yourself.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:02pm

Yup ~ 'cause the only one you can change is yourself!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:56pm

It's smart to keep this stuff off your computer if it's not safe to take a chance on having it found. No problem with not responding right away, we all have lives and they can get quite hectic. Personally, I tend to be gone during weekends; lots of things to do and the time with my family and husband is good too.


I think one of the most confusing parts of living in an abusive, alcohol infused relationship is that you (at least I did) keep trying to act, react and assess the situation with logic when there is not logic in abuse and alcoholism. You're trying to deal with an illogical situation logically and it just "don't work". For me, the times when it seems "normal" (like you said, not a great relationship at best but not in the throes of chaos) gave me reason to *expect* I could treat all the days to come with the same logical that normalcy brings. Not so! It's all a cycle and as sure as the "normal" cycles will come, the abuse will come back around as well. I guess I was so stuck in trying to continue to make sense out the illogical situations, as though if I tried hard enough I could make sense out of it and then it would be all right??? It makes no sense now, but it sure did then. I just got blinders on and didn't see the bigger picture. In fact, it was when I finally did see the bigger picture that I realized it was over. It still took me a long time to leave, but it was the beginning of the end for me, for sure.


My thoughts on divorce. It's not what you hope for, but taking three people down (you and your two children), sacrificing them for the marriage isn't right in my book. As for God, my God knows we're human and make mistakes and will forgive making a marriage mistake just as well as any other mistake. I also don't believe my God wants me to spend my life unhappy. I don't believe it's how he wants us to live our lives. JMO.


As far as time for posting, I peek in from work but don't have time to post, I do print out the new posts and read them on my commute home so that when I get home I've had time to familiarize myself with them, think about them and have an idea what I want to say. My husband is very often ready, willing and able to cook dinner so I can get to this (kids who need the computer for their homework takes top priority) and I'm usually off an on until I go to bed. Thanks for your kind words.


I wish you the best on your journey and peace and happiness as well ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"