Deal With Conflict Differently! (long)

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Deal With Conflict Differently! (long)
24
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 2:02pm

Hi to all of you great ladies (and probably a few men). I've posted here irregularly in the past but lurk often. 2nd_Life, if you're reading this, you and I have emailed due to prior postings, where you also referred me to the domestic abuse board - and thank you for that! (I posted under the nickname "borismchugh" those times.)

All of that being said, I do spend time on the abuse board, because I believe H is emotionally abusive and I know it's a situation I need to get out of. I do have 2 small children which makes it difficult and while I try to establish a timeline for leaving, I need to try to "keep the peace" so to speak, without losing myself in the process.

My issue today is this: When H has a problem with something, he usually gives me the silent treatment or uses sarcasm and is very confrontational. Occasionally we're able to have somewhat "rational" arguments, but it's usually when I'm the one bringing something up. My way is probably over the top in the nice and thought out department, based on the way he is but anyway, when I'm upset I try to wait for a quiet moment when he hasn't had a bad day and approach the situation calmly, trying to be very careful of wording everything right i.e. not being confrontational, using the words "I feel like" or "it seems when we...." instead of "you always do this", "why don't you figure out...", "it's your fault that..." etc. which is the way he likes to address something he's upset about. He loves to start out with one problem he's having and then tack on a few more and by the time he's done I'm boiling!

This was today: DD is almost 3 and we're weaning her off of the pacifier. She is hooked on it for sleeping, right after she wakes up and in the car because DD, DS and myself have a long commute everyday. H announces one day last week to DD - "that's it, you're done with the paci except for sleeping". Hello - he never discussed it with me except when we talked about her stopping it when she's 3. At that point I pulled him aside and said "I would appreciate it if we could discuss these things ahead of time - I'm the one that will be dealing with the "separation" process more than you will." and we agreed to do it more slowly saying that while at home she gets the paci in bed only but still has it in the car. Well, I kind of screwed up I guess, because I still let her have it in the a.m. while she gets ready because then she just takes it in the car. This week was her last week for having it in the car so therefore she wouldn't have it in the morning next week. So, he sees her with it this a.m. and immediately says "why do you have that paci?" and then turns to me and goes off saying "this is why she whines so much, she's always getting different information from us, we agreed she wouldn't have it except for bed, I don't know why I bother saying anything around here, you never listen. and by the way, you left the garbage cans out last night and didn't turn on the outside light, why not just announce that someone should come by and try to break in." (he was out last night getting drunk with friends, which he does twice a week while I got home at 7:00 a.m. with the kids, fed, bathed, played with, put to bed, emptied and loaded dishwasher, did load of laundry, picked up and finally fell into bed at 10:15 p.m. But, I digress....) Of course I immediately lost it, listed off all of those things I'd done the night before while he got in the car and left. He called and continued the argument from the car, saying I never listen to him, I always have to be right, why does he ever bring anything up, etc.

My problem is the way he communicates. Very confrontational. I am very non-confrontational, which also isn't good and I'm trying work on that. My parents never argued in front of me which probably gave me an unrealistic view of marriage in that regard and made it difficult for me to deal with confrontation but I KNOW that and feel I've worked at it. With anyone else I'm fine but when he goes off on me, I feel very attacked and naturally go on the offensive. I've tried very hard to remain calm but he makes me so mad. I don't feel I always need to be right and I think most of the time there is no "right or wrong" but he always feels there is. It's so completely frustrating and just one of many reasons why I need to leave. I've told him if he could just stop for a minute (or a day!) and bring things up calmly, I'd be less likely to be immediately on the defensive. Then he goes off on this "i know, i'm not perfect, now you're trying to tell me how to talk to you" tangent which solves nothing. Do I think because (one time) the garbage cans are out at 11:00 at night and the outside light is off means we're more likely to be burglarized? Not at all but I'd agree to not let it happen again. Which I told him later when I had calmed down.

Am I doing something wrong here? Could I communicate more effectively with him? God knows once we divorce (some day!) I'll still need to deal with him because of our children and I don't want every conversation to break down into this. And, although later on this a.m. he apologized, said he was stressed out, that's always his excuse and we'll go through this again sooner than I'd like. He won't work on his end of this, so I need to work on mine. But frankly, I'm at a loss. It's SUCH a struggle for me to remain calm lately although I usually can. Ugh. I just can't stand him most of the time and that's the main problem. Maybe I need an outlet - a punching bag? LOL!

I'm sorry this got so long and involved but I'd appreciate any input. You guys have SUCH good advice on this board - which is why I lurk so often! I'd love some help.

Thanks so much.
Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 4:40pm
I'm very sorry to hear your story. I was very busy the last few days and didnt remember to check this site. I do hope that either the two of you can work things out and rebuild the trust, or that you can walk out of the relationship relatively unharmed. Obviously it's much easier for me to say that than it is for you to do it. My best wishes are with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 4:43pm
Thanks CL, for taking the time to post. Obviously there was a lot going on in that relationship that I hadnt gleaned from the information. I will try and stick around here. Everyone is very level-headed and rational. My regards to everyone.
Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 5:37pm
Thank you so much for your reply. I realize that when we post on these boards we don't know the whole situation and appreciate the time you took to respond again and for your support. I hope I can figure something out as well. I'm going to keep working at it! Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:18pm

No problem, Plainjane ~ I hope to see you around here again soon.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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