Dealing with an ex-wife (kinda long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Dealing with an ex-wife (kinda long)
15
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 2:07pm

First of all, I don't know where I should be posting something like this; I've posted it in another board, but thought I'd try here as well. I am fairly new, or new again, to iVillage and the boards and I have looked into several of the topics but none seem to be the exact right one. Please let me know if I should re-post this in some other board. Thanks, in advance.

I'm at my wits end on how to handle this. I am still a newlywed (April 2005) and this is my first marriage. My husband has been married twice before and has a daughter with ex-wife #1. No contact with ex-wife #2. Maybe I'm being petty or maybe this is just something I have to get used to and this is actually "normal." But I have to say it doesn't FEEL normal.

His ex is still VERY hung up on him and she lets him know it every chance she gets, when she's not cussing him out... PS she claims to be such a Christian and goes to church every time the doors are open; but THAT is another story!! She calls him for advice over anything and everything. She calls him sometimes after 10pm at night. And sometimes before 8am! She refuses to call our house, she only uses his cell phone. Let me also tell you that my husband works out of town more often than not. He is a long-distance truck driver.

She asks for advice on how to handle her family (brother, mother, etc), she asks his advice on buying a car, house, stereo equipment. She is NOT stupid, she has a very good job and makes twice as much money as I do. She calls him nearly everyday.

Did I mention they have been divorced for 8 years??

She has told him she's still in love with him. He is NOT in love with her. I don't doubt his love for me, but!! With her in the picture it makes me wonder "things" at times.... She only rarely calls regarding their daughter. She's made it clear to him that she is "available" to him any time he wants and that she hates me (even though I've never met her or the daughter).

Well, she asked if he would move her into her new place. It was supposed to be in November; LATE November. He came to me and asked if I would be ok with it. I was honest, I told him I wouldn't like it AT ALL but! Since it was involving his daughter I would deal with it. He told me he wouldn't do it if it would cause me stress or upset me or whatever. But I told him no, since we'll already be moved (we were to move in early October) I told him to go ahead.

Well, it's truly amazing to me how things work..... We were supposed to move the end of this coming week... or at least by the early part of the following week. That was the plan. It's been the plan for nearly a month. Until last week! Found out last Monday that the ex needed to move sooner... So, rather than move us next week he's moving her! I have so many mixed emotions I could absolutely kill her if I could get my hands on her. It's almost like she KNEW when he'd be down in her location and since she already cannot stand me, just decided to get her way and have him leave me coming in 2nd ... AGAIN! I told my husband exactly thats and he said nothing. Made no comments. OH! And he also told her about a purchase we made recently.... I asked why he had told her, he said he was excited and just let it slip.

I'm confused, unhappy, extremely frustrated and kinda scared. I do NOT want my marriage to fizzle because of her. I refuse to let her win, but frankly I don't know what else to do as far as how to communicate things any clearer to my husband....

WHEW! I am sorry this is so long!! Never meant to yammer on so much. Hopefully I have given y'all enough background for you to help me through this. Any and all advice would be appreciated! Thanks!!

Stephanie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 11:42pm
Thanks again, Quenek! And thank you to Itwinflame, wherever you are!! I do plan on keeping the essay for future reference. I'm sure the problems with the ex will NOT go away any time soon!! But at least we are being more vocal about it. Both of us. :) Thanks for your support!! Means a lot!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 12:09am

HAHAHA! I was waiting on someone to ask about that!! I haven't met his daughter or his ex due to him wanting to "protect" me. My husband had MANY marital problems in his 2nd marriage because of his 1st wife (the one with the child.) He is petrified that once we all meet it will begin its vicious cycle all over again. I have told him I'm a lot stronger than I appear at times and that I can take it. Told him better now than later, I would think. He sees his daughter as much as he can... his job and his ex don't always allow it, along with the fact that we currently live over 7 hours from them.... once we get moved we'll only live about 2 hours from them. I expect a lot of things to be different once we move. Good, bad or indifferent; I'm ready. Once the ex asked him to come and sit for their daughter; she knew he was in town... when he got there he found out their daughter is NOT there and it was all just a ploy to get him to her house..... He left immediately. Also, the daughter won't talk to him. She never asks to call him, he is always calling her. And he admits that's his fault because he hasn't pushed for his visitations. But his ex is always making him out to be the heavy. Calling him to get onto her for something she's done at school or whatever. It's very difficult for my husband to get onto her when he's not there to know for sure of the full situation.

Oh I could write a book!!! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:34pm
He sees her as often as he can but she won't talk to him? He's afraid that his ex will destroy your marriage, is trying to "protect" you from her, yet he encourages and placates her? The ex can call him to get on her about school all she wants, but that doesn't mean he has to be the heavy by complying with her demands.... this doesn't make much sense to me.










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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:54pm
Nor to me. What it boils down to is my husband, as much as he's trying, isn't putting his foot down and keeping it down. We have had a good talk about things and have agreed to talk more once he gets home this weekend. He agrees that things need to change. He agrees that he is the one who is doing wrong. He allows her to make him feel guilty and allows her to manipulate him. So, even though I know there is a long road ahead, at least he's willing to work on it with me....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:39pm
Well, you can't work on the problem with him because it's his to deal with; his to decide how he deals with his ex, his to decide how he deals with his daughter. You can support him, but the work and the decisions are aaaaaallll his.


Here's hoping things change for you!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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