Dealing with Grief?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2010
Dealing with Grief?
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 3:21pm

My boyfriend's Mom died almost 2 months ago. Since then, there have been some things happening that I'm curious to know whether it's a manifestation of his grief, because they were very uncharacteristic for him.

This past week, he had told me he recently started talking to his ex-gf, just through facebook messages regarding an investigation by the state department. That's a whole long story in and of itself, but basically, he had to be interviewed by some agents in regards to her situation with her ex-husband and their kid. So, he said she contacted him asking about it and just some general questions about it. Well, Wednesday night he told me she had texted him earlier in the day about how she thought some federal agent was sitting outside where she works, and it turned out to be her client. He did tell me they were talking and I told him it made me uncomfortable. After we talked for a little, I went to bed and he said he'd be right up. I went down there about an hour later and he was sound asleep. I woke him up, and he at that point asked me to take his phone upstairs and plug it in, while he took the dogs out. I agreed to, and UGH, I hate saying this...but I looked at the text messages between the two of them. They had been talking since Tuesday night...and all throughout the day Wednesday, even past the time he told me he'd be right up to bed. He barely answered any of my text messages at all that same day, and I chalked it up to him being busy. But, he certainly had time to text her back and forth. And the next before while I was sleeping in bed right next to him.There were two text messages that seriously concerned me. One was mentioning how she'd have to do a lot to ever earn his trust back...and one was concerning the journal his Mom kept...saying that she know how much he loves her because it was written in her journal. Mind you, the journal is over a year old. But, it's the wording of that text that bothers me so much. Although, in another text he said he had loved her so much, it took him a while to get past her leaving.

He did catch me going through his phone, and was absolutely furious with me (understandably so...). He finally calmed down and talked to me, telling me how upset he was that I went through his phone. I apologized and told him that I had felt like he was hiding something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 3:45pm

You've only been together for seven months. Two of those he's been in grief over his mother passing. You really think five months is a long enough time to know what is and is not "characteristic" for him?

"he completely maintained that there was nothing inappropriate in him talking to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 4:29pm

If her only reason for contacting him was because she wanted know how the investigation went, fine, but once she got the info she wanted on that then it should have been the end of their conversations. If their texting back and forth all day (especially when he's not answering YOUR texts) then you have very right to be upset about this. Their relationship was OVER 2 years ago and it's a bit late to be wanting closure over it now. Besides if he's now fully committed to you, why does he even need closure from a relationship that ended 2 years ago? Could it be that he's really not completely over her yet? Have to agree with UC that you moved in with this guy WAY too fast. I also think you went thru his phone because you had a gut feeling about something brewing between him and the ex. And if he really thinks he's doing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 8:07pm
Blueygirl28- don't feel guilty for snooping. Your gut sometimes is the only thing you can rely on. What he was doing with ex was inappropriate. The only thing I can really think of is that because he has lost his mother, who helped him to stay centered, he is just not centered anymore. He now has to find a way to grow up a little more, learn to rely on himself and YOU as the number 1 lady in his life. It seems like when people reunite with old friends/ sig others from their past they associate many of those times with a positive emotion. I also wonder if because of his moms death he us just questioning things about his past. With that being said there can never be hiding, lying, crossing boundaries with opposite sex, etc in a Relationship. Despite his loss, that is not an excuse to throw his moral code out of the window. As far as truly knowing someone goes, I don't know if I totally agree with that. If we stayed the same our entire lives, yes, but we change as we go thru things. Our relationships also change over time. So to me you knew enough about him after 7 months to feel comfortable moving in with him. You are free to go at anytime. The thing about grief is it takes time, goes thru stages and it is painful. Sounds like he was willing to erase ex from phone. Hug him, let him know you are there for him and want to help. I don't think it's un fair for you to tell him because of how he has acted you are feeling a little off centered too. Take care.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 2:24am

Welcome to the board, Blueyedgrl28 ~

I agree completely with Crab.

~ cl-2nd_life