Death in family, financial problems
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| Fri, 06-17-2005 - 7:57am |
This is a rather delicate problem. Last year my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer. There was never any hope for recovery and unfortunalty she died this past April. When she died she had no life insurnace or assests of any kind, hence there was no money to pay her huge medical bills nor was there any money to pay for her funeral expenses. My wife's sister and her husband agreed to pay for the funeral costs up front using money they had recently recieved from a rather large home equitiy loan. The catch is that they want my wife and her brother to make monthy payments to them so that each of them pays a third of the funeral costs. This will be about $2500 per person. They want minimum payments of $200 per month because they need the money back to put an new addition on their home.
Here is my problem. My mother-in-law lived with my wife's sister and her family for the past 4 years. A few years ago she recieved a $15,000 settlement from a disability case. My wife's sister took her mother's money and built an addition onto their home. By addition I mean that they added a new living room, remodeled their kitchen, and built a new deck. Her husband has a friend that is a builder so together they did all the labor and of course my mother-in-law paid for the materials. The addition was instant equity in their pockets. I felt that was a misuse of the money but I was told that it was none of my business. That was fine at the time, but now I'm being asked to pay for funeral expenses that this money could have paid for, in full or at least partially. To make matters worse, her sister cashed her mother's $1200 disability check a week after she died and we have no idea what she did with the money. We know it was not put toward the funeral expenses nor was it put into any of the unpaid medical bills.
My wife stays home with our children, I work two jobs to make that happen. We do not have $2500 to pay for this funeral. We live on a very tight budget and there is no way we can afford this. My wife however insists that this is something "we have to do" and she's unwilling to discuss the issue further. If I stand up to my position I will turn my wife and her family against me. If I keep quiet we will suffer financial problems witout question and I know I will end up resenting my wife and her family. As I see it I'm in a no win situation. I don't expect any miracle solutions but I'd like to hear from others who have been in similar situations. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

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I'm finding all of this very helpful, thank you. This is how I've decided to handle it. I'm going to start with my wife. I will very calmly talk with her and as was suggested spell out how for the sake of our kids we can't pay this. I'll give her an "out" with her family. I will go to them, alone, and I will tell them my feelings on the situation and that I alone have decided we are not going to help pay any of these costs. I'll give them my reasons and make it very clear that they are my reasons alone. Also that there is not going to be any bargaining. If they have a problem it will be with me. If my wife wants to support me in my position that's fine, but I'm not looking for her to do that.
Someone mentioned that $7500 was not an expensive funeral. Well, it is when you don't have $7500.
I agree that it's a good plan. Here's hoping it goes better than you expect on all fronts. Please let us know how it goes.
I find the board forum very helpful too, it's amazing what a few thoughts from others (both differing and the same as yours) can do. For me, it can help me see things I never would have seen without the differing point of view being offered, reinforce that I'm on the right track and much more, depending on the circumstances. I'm glad you find it helpful too.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well, problem solved. I confronted my wife with our budget and laid out my thoughts on the whole situation and why I didn't feel we had any obligation to help pay for the funeral. Her response surprised me. She said "that's fine with me but you can tell her", meaning she wanted me to talk to her sister. No problem, that's what I planned to do anyway. My wife went on to say how since their mother died her sister really hasn't spoken to her much. Before her mother died her sister only called when she wanted my wife to do something (which was several times a week). We didn't really discuss this in length. She mentioned that it had been on her mind for a while and she told me to do whatever I felt was best. I'm a little surprised by this. She actually seems to be really PO'd with her sister.
I opted to handle her sister telephone and I'm glad I did. I'm going to leave it at that. They will not recieve anymore of our money.
Thanks to everyone who offered input. The discussion helped me work out some of the blinding rage I was feeling and enabled me to go about this in a gentler manner.
Great to hear, Jmedico20! Thanks so much for letting us know how it turned out ~ and it sounds like it turned out much better with your wife than you'd expected, which is definitely a very big plus. So much nicer to be on the same side of the fence and stand shoulder to shoulder than to be bulldozing in with the opposition, whether that's necessary or not.
It sounds like her family relations may be strained, and I'm sorry for that. The stand the two of you have taken probably doesn't help that either. I have to say, faced with going along to keep people who don't really give a damn happy vs. doing what you feel is right knowing you'll be flying in the face of their favor, I'll pick the latter every time. Don't be surprised if the family dynamics change quite a bit. It's normal when a death's occurred for the roles to shift and change, that would happen whether you'd taken the stand you did or not.
I'm glad things worked out positively between you and your wife, and I'm glad you found this forum helpful. You're welcome back anytime, on either side of the board -- as a "problem poster" or a "responder", it's great to have you here!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
If you're still reading posts here, let me tell you that you aren't the only person with money-grubbing in-laws.
My DH and I have, for the last year, been caring for and tending to his aunt (95) and his mother (85). During the past year both have become increasingly in need of professional care. They both have Alzheimer's, the aunt is incontinent, etc. We finally had to get the aunt into a nursing home back in April.
Up until January his mother still drove and actually worked P/T, but now she's a danger on the road. She gets easily confused and can't take care of herself very well. She and the aunt (her sister) lived together for nearly 20 years in a home owned by DH's brother (who lives in another state). They paid him nearly $700.00 in rent a month and never once missed a payment, nor did he ever do anything to try to lower their rent.
Once we got aunt into a nursing home we began to realize how bad off DH's mother was. We found out she's nearly $15,000. in credit card debt. And now that the aunt's SS check is going to pay for her nursing home care, Mom is trying to live solely on her check of $1,000. a month - $700.00 of which goes to her oldest son. She's been having utilities turned off right and left. She's gotten to where she's not paying bills at all anymore. It's a nightmare.
Anyway, DH admitted Mom into a psychiatric hospital for the elderly. That's how we've found out about her Alzheimer's, the fact that she can no longer drive, and the fact that she needs to be in an assisted living facility. It's going to take us a while to find a place and get her squared away. She has no money other than her SS check, so we're having to scrounge money in places like the VA (his dad was a Marine in World War II), and other agencies. Unfortunately, we can't financially assist her right now. DH was laid off in March, and I'm trying to hold up the family right now.
When DH's brother found out Mom could no longer drive, he asked DH "what are you going to do with her car?" DH said "I thought it would be good for XXX" (DH's youngest son from his first marriage who will be 16 this year). It's a 1996 Ford Taurus worth all of $2500. Big deal.
But it's a big deal to his brother. Mom got home from the hospital on Monday and brother sent his 2 grown daughters (mom's granddaughters) over and they got the car and took it to their house. It so irked brother that my DH's kid might get that lousy car that he had his daughters actually take it from their grandmother's driveway. None of them were concerned about mom's health, just what they could get. And brother is already making plans to sell the house and has even told mom he's going to do that.
DH's brother lives in a big house on a golf course. He makes a six figure salary and sends his youngest kid to a $1,000. a month private school. This month he's taking his family on a trip to Europe. But he can't find it in his budget to help out his mother OR his brother. He wouldn't even thank his brother for all the work and stress that's been done to take care of mom and aunt by letting him have a lousy 2500.00 car for his kid. But what's really funny is that brother doesn't know WE have the title to the car. Hahahaha
I don't know how all this mess is going to play out, but I know it has completely ruined DH's opinion of his brother. It has created a rift between them that will never be repaired.
I just thought I'd let you know that it happens in many, many families and it's sad when the end of a loved one's life becomes a wrangle for what few possessions they have. What seems to make it worse is that the family members who are actually in the best position or have the most money to start with are the ones who fight the hardest for what little bit a loved one had. DH and I have had our suspicions confirmed that his brother is a money-obssessed son of gun and we have no respect for him anymore at all. It's sad, but you really learn what people are made of in situations like this. Good luck to you.
I'm really glad that you and your wife could talk and agree about it. What a relief to you. :)
Jen
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