Defensiveness

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Defensiveness
12
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 1:37am

New here and this problem may seem small but - it could lead to something worse.

I've been married for 25 years to DH, a great guy in most ways. Attentive father, responsible around the house, financially secure, doesn't run with the guys/smoke/drink/gamble/do drugs/chase women. But there are a couple of huge problems in our M, and the biggest one so far: he is so defensive that we can't have a reasonable disagreement or discussion.

I've actually been feeling distant from him off and on. He is often distracted and sometimes depressed, and I try to understand what has happened to cause those feelings by talking with him. But when I am distracted and down sometimes, he doesn't seem to notice and doesn't ask about it. Although he is exceedingly responsible about the house and he will suggest activities for us, he doesn't connect emotionally with me. I just don't seem to exist as more than a room-mate, except for sex which involves 1 minute of foreplay with "hey how about ..."

So I'm capable of asking for what I want or need. The problem is this: when I ask him to hold my hand or tell him I need to talk, he is nothing but defensive. "You don't need to ask me to hold hands. I've held your hand before" or "We just talked last week. Why are you always saying I don't listen to you? Why do I end up being wrong again?" are typical responses. I won't even go into what happens when I do criticize him.

I've lived with this for 25 years and now my tank is running on empty. I've told him over the years that one day, someone will come along who is willing to listen without being defensive and I fear what I might do. That day is here, and I'm trying to tell DH how empty I am and how vulnerable I feel - but he immediately becomes defensive. I hear "Every time we talk, it's always about how I screwed up" to the point I can't say anything that can't be turned into an accusation. I'm fighting to tell him I need his help - his attention and his concern - to avoid seeking it from someone else. But protecting himself seems so much more important than listening to me.

I'm sick and I'm sad and I'm tired of trying to dance around his defensiveness. I'm ready to give up. BTW, I asked him to read a MC book with me but he said I was trying to trap him into admitting some mistake.

Any advice on dealing with this before I bail out after all this time?
QB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: queenbea4
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 11:45pm

I wish you the best, Queenbea4. It's hard when your marriage is half good (IMO) - the mechanical, "business" end is very good, smooth running and efficient, while the emotional side of the marriage is very lacking. The link might help you see what men consider acts of love, and I believe what I posted for you was a link to the post itself so it should be pretty easy to get to. The book is quite insightful, written by a male therapist about men in relationships, why they are as they are and what it often takes to get them to make a change. It might be very helpful to your situation.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: queenbea4
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 4:54pm
you said in you posting you were critical towards him. maybe thats the problem. try to act more accepting and loving and you would be surprised on the feedback you would rec from him. relationships are constant work. also remember that men don't listen and are not attentive like women are. men not listening is a proven fact. try not to be so hard on him when you do not get the response you want. nagging and telling someone what their doing wrong only pushes them away. if you have been together for so long possibility things wont change anytime soon. ever consider professional counseling?

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