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| Thu, 12-22-2005 - 8:54am |
Hello all, I have a question for you. My DH and I have been having some pretty major issues over the past several months. He thinks I cheated on him at one point in our marraige (we've been married 3 1/2 years), but at the same time, he admitted to cheating on me early in our marraige. Lately, he's been talking to several females online and IRL, and I also caught him sending nude pix of himself to one female in particular. For a while, he's been saying that he doesn't even want to try to work things out. After talking to a friend, I came up with a possible solution, and now he is saying he will try if things go well.
Here's the solution I came up with: obviously, we both have flaws that need to be worked on. I do things that bug him, he does things that bother me. I told him I'm not trying to be pushy with this, but this activity will work in the long run, no matter which way we go. We have each picked one thing we feel we each need to work on (I picked one thing for me, and one thing for him; he did the same) and made a little "contract". We picked relatively small things this time around, since I am leaving on vacation next month (in need of a long-deserved break! I've been a mother for 7 years and have never had a break...yikes!). We set a time line to acheive the goals we set (January 15th, since I leave the 18th). We're both already working on the issues we have set, and I'm already seeing an improvement in both of us.
My question is this: with everything that has gone on, do you guys think this is a good idea to utilize? I know right now, we're just working on small things that won't take long to fix, but like I said, I'll be gone for a month, and I leave Jan. 18th. We'll "tackle" bigger stuff later on, once I come back and have my head on straight LOL. Thanks for any ideas, and please, if you have any more ideas that we might be able to use, please let me know, and I will definitely bring them up!!! TIA
Amy

Did you cheat on him at one point? Does he have a reason to think this or is he just nuts?
And if you didn't cheat then I can tell you the reason he thinks you did is because he did and IS cheating on you. Sending nude pictures of himself to a woman IS cheating. Talking with women IRL and online in a flirtatious manner (or more) IS cheating.
My question is, what makes you think that he won't have had several instances of actual physical cheating while you are gone for a month? Because he's laid the groundwork to be able to have multiple affairs.
Work on your flabby abs and his nosepicking (I'm just picking two things out of thin air) all you want but your H is a cheater and thinks it's fine. He's not stopping. Not only that, but to justify his cheating, he's calling you a cheater too.
I wouldn't be leaving him for a month. Let alone with my kid/s. Since you've been a mom for 7 years and married for 3.5, I'm assuming the kids aren't his.
Jen
Amy,
I so agree with Jen. He's laid the groundwork for another affair - online, nude pix and you being gone do you think he will remain faithful?
As long as he's still talking online, laying the groundwork for an affair, he thinks this 'deal' is sweet. He can still do what he wants, get ego strokes online and not deal with the marriage issues.
Carrie
Sounds to me like you're operating on a very unrealistic theory.
You're going "absence makes the heart grow fonder". You're thinking that when you're apart and there is less impact and friction because of the base line priority and values differences between you - that you each yearn for what "could be if only" and then you come back together and "start over" - but starting over as the same people is going to get you the same result.
Absence really doesn't make the heart grow fonder, or solve any problems. It simply puts distance between you and the problem and the fiction the lack of harmony causes.
At some point, enough distance between you can allow one or both partners who have desires, asiprations and dreams of "what if and if only" - to find osmeone else to make that happen with.
I don't think you're going to solve anything with a month apart. I think it is possible that you personally or both of you individually might be less angry and upset with one another's "refusal to change and become like me"...so that possibly with a 3rd party involved to communicate "for' each of you to one another, while teaching you both to communicate with one another and yourselves....you could reach some compromised resolutions.
Then again, that month might also allow him without being nagged or obligated in other areas to go out and "be who he wants to be"...and if that person is not with you - he'll invest further in his individuality...and you'll be further apart than ever.
I don't see you investing in yourself - because you haven't to date. YOou've attempted to live vicariously thru him - in dating it worked because that's looking at one another with adoration and creating excitement. MArriage is about looking outward together individually towards whre you were both as individuals headed to begin with - but now iwth someone to share the excitement and effort with.
So you've been looking "at him"- while he's been looking towards his goals all the time in this marriage, rather htan "at you".
So you've had a baby and you've formed an identity around that role as mother -which you've found after 7 years is more work, obligation, sacrifice than it is enjoyment and excitement - because that's how parenthood is.
So now you want time off to sit in statis/limbo - while he figures out he wants and needs you.
It doesn't work like that. It sounds like you're in a power struggle trying to show him ho vital and important you are - because you believe that you're not. And what you're likely to find if this is correct is that you'e not vital to his individual well-being and success, security or identity - which is going to make you more upset and "vulnerable' in your opinion, than ever.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It's nice to meet you Mom2wakjlar, it's always nice to meet someone who's been *out there* lurking and get the chance to talk to them.
I really want to tell you I think your plan to work on one flaw/issue at a time is good, but I don't think it can help. The small things you're working on might or might not be helpful, depending on what kinds of things they are. But your husband has cheated on you and is showing you that he continues in that behavior. That means his earlier cheating wasn't a *mistake*, something out of character for him that he learned from and won't let happen again, it means this is a value/moral issue, not a flaw to be fixed. He believes cheating is something that's acceptable for him to do. You may fix everything about yourself and about him too, but that doesn't mean he won't cheat again, and since he's done it twice now, it's almost certain that he will. Values, morals and character aren't things that change, they're deeply embedded in who we are.
I wish I could tell you otherwise.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"