depressed husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
depressed husband
6
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 1:47pm

My husband doesn't tell me how he feels. I finally got him to tell me last night why he has been acting weird lately. He said he has been really depressed lately about things like his job (doesn't make much money), his weight (about 80 lbs over weight) and a few other things. I have problems with depression and didn't realize how bad I had been making him depressed and felt like he couldn't share it with me because he didn't want to make it harder on me.

While I am working on my depression, I've been sitting here wondering what I can do to maybe ease his or help him out of it. There is no way he would go talk to someone, he just isn't that kind of guy. What kind of things could I do that might help? We talked last night, I told him that I was proud of him and told him why, that I liked the fact that he loves where he works and would rather him be happy with his job than making a bunch of money. I thanked him for sharing with me and told him that I hope he feels like he can do it again, when he needs to.

So, what kind of things could I do that might help him, even just to feel better about himself. I appreciate your suggestions.

Just call me Kelly.
Just call me Kelly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 2:34pm
Hi Kelly. I'm not sure there is much you can do besides being understanding, caring, observant and listening when he wants to talk. You said he's been acting like this lately, how long is lately? Would he be willing to see his regular doctor about this, if it continues without improvement or gets worse? What about helping him get out to exercise, eat healthier and any of the other things that might improve the issues he is struggling with?

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 11:50pm

You sound like a very supportive wife. Hopefully he'll see that he can open up more to you and see the benefits of a strong marriage, that someone else is on your team!

Along with all those things like being supportive, caring, listening - maybe you guys can turn around your lifestyle together. Both eat better and exercise together. Physical activity can do wonders along with a good diet that fuels you properly. What about that? I'd make it sound like something you want to do to improve yourself and he can join you.

Do you know what kinds of things bring him joy in life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 11:51pm

I would suggest keep doing what you are doing as whatever you have done so far has made him open up to you,if not completely,one step forward is one step less in reaching out completely.
He needs you at this point,be there in as much loving manner as you can as this could be a point in your life when you both come closer together forever.
I am assuming he is not clinically depressed,just the daily life struggles are enuf these days to put normal people into depression.Many times just a sympathetic ear is enuf without being judged.Dont provide solutions,just listen if that is what he wants.

"Love is all we need" especially when times are bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 12:31am
Thanks for the suggestions. Yes, his depression stems from regular problems, not clinical. I don't plan on pushing him into anything, I don't want him to feel worse. So, I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing by letting him know I'm always here to listen. When it warms up a bit (has been in the 30's lately) I plan on going back to the park to walk again, we used to do that together when we first got together and always had fun doing it. Thanks again!
Just call me Kelly.
Just call me Kelly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 1:33am
Welcome to the board, By_way_of_the_sea ~

I would think the first thing you'd do in dealing with your husband is utilize all the things you've researched and learned about depression, dealing with it and resolving it due to your own depression. Since you deal with it yourself, you're certainly educated on the issue.

I'd also not assume he won't talk to a therapist or doctor because you just know he wouldn't do that. Sometimes you're surprised to find that what you assumed was wrong! Even if he's reluctant and "not that type", but suggesting it to him you're telling him it's the right way to go about dealing with his problem, and that's a message you definitely want to send. Too, some people just need a little push to do what they should.

One thing that I know is very helpful in depression is exercise. You don't have to go to a gym or buy expensive equipment, just going for walks is incredibly helpful. Walking (or other forms of exercise) can help you work through your problems without your realizing you're even thinking about them. Exercising gets your metabolism moving and just makes so much better. Of course, getting up and doing something is the last thing you want to do when you're depressed, and therein lies the difficulty.

In the way his depression has been expressed, I can't help but think getting out and clearing his head with walks wouldn't do a lot for him, not only emotionally, but it might just see him lose a pound or two, thereby making him feel better about himself too.

Let us know how it goes ~









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 1:54pm

In addition to what has been said in other posts,i would only say that you also need to be patient before you see any positive results.Since he was internalising everything you were saying/doing (apart from his own ) ,unintentionally,he has a build up of emotions which need an outlet.

"There is no way he would go talk to someone, he just isn't that kind of guy." life is strange and full of surprises.e has taken a baby step.he might take a while before taking another to see what kind of response he gets from you ,how you react when he puts his biggest fears/concerns before you.A person in depression is vulnerable and needs to be handled with tenderness,as you yourself might know well.

try to do things with him which are just memories now,etc.

hope sustains life and a depressed person needs hope,imo