Depressed over relationship with hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Depressed over relationship with hubby
18
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 2:02pm

I feel like it is endless drama. My hubby is a very attached to his parents.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 9:00pm

You need to make an exception for bachelor parties. Unless he's touching the strippers, you'd really be emasculating him to forbid him to go to things like this with the guys before someone's wedding. He didn't tell you about this because he knew you would react badly but he made the decision to go. Perhaps he didn't even know at the time there would be strippers. Was he supposed to just leave?

He told his mom about it because he thought she wouldn't judge him for it.

It seems like some of the drama is coming from you. Snapping at her isn't effective. I'm not sure how she is trying to manipulate you, you know there are good ways of responding to difficult people but snapping is not one of them. If she suggests you get in touch with the brother, you could brush her off and say "yeah maybe we will, it's something to think about" and then change the subject.

Would you rather he see a strip show and not tell you/lie about it, or would you rather know and be able to get over it?

He told you, probably, because it was weighing on his mind for a while. It doesn't feel good to keep secrets from people you love.

Has your husband always been overly attached to his parents?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 10:04pm

I understand your point of view on strippers/bachelor party and I even share it. I also made it clear to my husband that it is absolutely NOT ok with me to participate in these kind of activities and whether its a strip joint, a bachelor party, or whatever excuse to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 10:22pm
Welcome back Ellebelle1 ~ I won't be able to reply for a while, but I wanted to provide the links to your previous posts so that others can get a better feel for your situation and history, and so you can have the opportunity to read through them. Many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as most do:

Different Backgrounds: full analysis
How do I stop?
Grrr... Out of answers. Help!
Anger Control first message deleted, but much to gather from the responses and from Ellebelle1's final response)








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 2:43am
Hi Ellebelle1, I'm glad you're back!

Two things I hope you'll do, it will be very valuable in knowing what to suggest:
* Re-read your old posts from oldest to newest and the responses, then tell us what's changed.
* Tell us the answers to these questions: What's good in your relationship?
* What do you love about your husband?
* In what ways does he make you happy?

I'll be checking back for your answers ~











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 9:08am
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I don't want to tell my husband he can't go and be with friends. Ofcourse, I don't want him to be odd man out. But, from an out of present day society/objective view point, I think it's incredibly disgusting and wrong what goes on at these bachelor parties. I don't get how it's a celebration of marriage for men to get naked ladies to rub on them and watch them
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 9:57am

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 11:16am
Hi Ellebelle ~ I get that some of the replies have made you angry, but I hope you'll take a minute to read and respond to my reply ~








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 12:03pm

I agree with the poster who just said that you cannot control what he does in the relationship, you can only control yourself. You can say "seeing a stripper is unacceptable to me and if you do it then our marriage is over" but you have to be willing to stick to your word.

I want to point out one thing - Even if a man wouldn't normally want to see a stripper, there's a tremendous amount of pressure on him to be one of the guys and go to a bachelor party in order to support his friend in the way his friend has chosen to be supported. You may not understand it. It may be against YOUR definition of a celebration of marriage. You may be disgusted by it. But that's what the collective group of men have chosen to do for an important occasion, and your husband would be seriously looked down upon if he were to refuse to go because his wife wouldn't allow it. It's emasculating and isolating. He made the decision to go, probably because he wanted to spend time with his friends and he didn't want to feel like a big p***y in front of the guys. This is probably an emotion you will never understand.

I can't imagine he went FOR the strippers specifically. Men don't go to bachelor parties to see strippers unless they go to strip clubs regularly anyway. Your focus is on naked women but that's not the point of a bachelor party. Strippers are just kind of a tradition.

If you really think revenge is the best way to handle this situation then I wonder if you shouldn't just get a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 10:05pm

Undercovercrab,


I respect your opinion on bachelor parties, but you have to understand some women do take these a little more at heart.


I have studied, volunteered and worked with people from the sex industry. Let me tell you this is not a pretty picture. I live in Canada... Do you know a

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 7:11am

Ok... I respect your opinion. Most women don't understand the reality of how men feel about strippers with regards to bachelor parties. You may understand it from a woman's perspective, from the perspective of someone who works in the industry, but how men feel about it is different. I have been to strip clubs, yes. I guess I wonder, is going to strip clubs a deal-breaker for you? If you found out he did this again, how would you react? Have you made a decision on this?

I'm sorry he betrayed you. He shouldn't have.

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