depression in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
depression in a relationship
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 9:37am

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 9:59pm

Hi Mx87, I'm sorry you and your boyfriend are going through this.

~ cl-2nd_life

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 1:06am

So he has a depression problem, you have a relationship problem.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 11:25am

One other option to consider is that maybe he has outgrown the relationship and is using depression as an excuse to get out of the relationship. If he really is depressed, you have to consider that everyone experiences stress in life. If his reaction to stress is to isolate himself and separate himself from you, maybe he's doing you a favor by letting you go. I was married to a man for 23 years who suffered from depression, and I had to walk on eggshells around him, as he took everything defensively and was often angry. At other times he isolated himself from me by not engaging in discussions at the dining room table, and retreating to the garage to fiddle with his bicycle after dinner. I was lonely and unhappy. He killed any love I had for him over the years. Even with his depression, he didn't want the marriage to end, but I did and made it happen.

Love is never enough. Again, I would guess that he's using the depression as an excuse. Tell him to contact you when he feels ready to be in a relationship again. If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, I'm not one to beg. A man has to have 100% confidence in wanting to be with me, because I'm worthy of that. If he really cared about you, he'd be fighting tooth and nail to keep you around, which would mean seeking counseling. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2010
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:17am

Hugs to you, mx87, we all feel for you. You've gotten some excellent counseling here so far, though I am not in agreement that your boyfriend is trying to end things as one poster said. Depression is a black-hole state of misery and when one is in it, it seems impossible to claw one's way out of. And YOU as the observer, feel helpless. Depression doesn't just go away like a cold; it has to be treated, usually with meds and therapy. It will likely return.

He's pushing you away because he just can't cope. The world looks ugly and hopeless. I know, it's horrible.

He informed me that he is not happy with himself and he cannot make me happy and needs to fix himself. I reinforced the fact that I love him unconditionally, and want to help him through this hard time, and will remain patient with him.

True: He can't love anyone fully or normally until he works on his issues. Your response was excellent.

This may take a while. Give him his space, let him know you are there and that you still care. Check in, whether he balks or not.

Here are some good articles that will support you:

Don't personalize the behavior. A depressed person is not himself.

I hope this helps. Hang in there.