In desperate need of advice (ASAP)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2005
In desperate need of advice (ASAP)
7
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 2:56am
First My Question is: Should I stay or should I call my marriage quits?
To explain what is going on. We have been married now for almost 2 years. We have a 1 year old daughter. He was great before we got married then about two months into he changed. He called me names on a daily basis. He would never tell me he loved me or even show me any affection.(sex, kiss, hug, etc.) Then I caught him chatting with girls asking ones that lived in our town if they were interested. (I know he didn't cheat on me then now I am unsure anymore) He was also turning me down for sex and looking at porn. I could care less if he looks at porn, but he turns me down for it, he drew the line with me on that one. Then when I had our daughter, we almost lost her because her heart rate fell and he never came and saw us in the hospital once. So I sat alone with our baby in the hospital for three and a half days. Then I later found out he was chatting with girls again. My father and sister were the ones who picked us up from the hospital. (and they lived 85 miles away) and still to this day he would rather watch TV then be with me in any way. We only have sex when I tell him I am leaving him and pulls me into bed and bugs me tell I have sex with him. And he has a habit of not warming up the oven before sex, and he has even made me cry a couple of times because it hurt so bad, he just kept on going as I laid there and cryed. (sex doesn't even last more then 10 minutes anymore, when I do get it) Then he is ok for a day or so then its back to the same way it was before. He calls fat names all the time. We have gone out once our entire marriage. And oh worst he wanted to dye my hair so I said sure what the hell. And he dyed red. When he was done he said "No I don't like it, its too dark" Then I found a pic of him and his ex and noticed her hair was the same red as mine except mine was darker. Hmmm I was mad. He tells me all of my faults. He has no patience with our child. He shows about as much affection as a tree. I have told him over, and over, and over, that I am unhappy and want out of the marraige. But he just tells me that I am not gonna get a divorce from him. I am just lost at what to do anymore I have given him chance after chance. Thinking that it might just work, changing how I act and what I do. And still he has thrown every chance out the window. So Should give him another chance? Or save my daughter and I from a heartache?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 3:15am

What would the point of another chance be? You've mentioned a lot of serious issues, any one of which is a good reason to leave. Why would you stay? Here's something that might be an eye opener for you. Out of 24 months of marriage you've been happy and treated right for 2 months -- and those two months happened two years ago. Do you see what I mean? You've been treated like crap and accepting things you shouldn't have had to deal with for the last two years, he has a long-proven history of how he is, you have no reason to expect that to change or be any different and have every reason to expect it to continue exactly like it has for the last two years. What are you staying for?


You said, "Should give him another chance? Or save my daughter and I from a heartache?"It sounds like you already know that another chance is worthless (and you have every reason to believe that based on the last two years you have to look at) and I agree with you. Surely you know that getting you and your daughter out of that dysfunctional hell hole is worth it. Why would you stay? What's there for you? If you're looking for someone to tell you it's okay to leave, consider it done. You have many reasons to leave and frankly, nothing would warrant staying. Life with him will continue to be miserable, why would you do that to yourself? Why would you subject your daughter to that? If you want her to marry a guy just like your husband and be just as happy as you are, stay. If you want her to have a good life, a husband who loves, respects and cares for her then you'll have to remove her from the environment she calls home.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:




Edited 11/11/2005 3:33 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 3:33am

Another important point is that you don't have a marriage. A marriage is a partnership, two people who love and respect each other working towards a common goal and maintaining a loving, respectful relationship with each other. In your case, you have a guy who does whatever he wants whenever he wants whether it's right or wrong to do in a committed relationship, without regard to you or your feelings. He shows you lack of love, care and respect. You're treated badly and are unhappy, he does whatever he wants.


From what you've said here you have nothing to save and no reason to want to. I suggest rereading your post and asking yourself why you'd stay.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 9:27am

I just have one question, do you think another chance will change anything?

I am so very sorry that you are where you are. Honestly, not being visited when you had his baby, and having to have someone else bring you home..... He just wants someone to keep his house for him. If things really are as you say, then I just can't see him changing.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 10:15am

Momlenae,
I think almost everyone on here will agree that he doesn't deserve another chance. he's had plenty of time to change his ways and he doesn't. You've even mentioned leaving and his last stitch attempt at keeping you is by having sex???!!! You don't deserve it and your daughter doesn't deserve that. I am so sad to hear that you went through the birth of your child alone. My daughter's heartrate did the same thing right before her birth and they did the next step from an emergency c-section. It's scary enough to have to go through that,let alone try to go through it alone.

His behavior is completely selfish and he hasn't made any attempts to do otherwise. Of course it's easy to say being on the outside, but you should read your post over and pretend you are the outsider looking in and see what you would tell that person. I would personally pack my bags if I were you, gather up your baby girl and go. You deserve so much better honey and your daughter deserves so much better too. I wouldn't waste another minute on someone who will take you so much for granted.

Take care of yourself and let us know what happens...((Hugs))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 3:28pm

I've been in your place. I was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abused by my first dh for 20 years. My five children are messed up because of it. Even after seven years post-separation, I still have issues surrounding the abuse. I may always have some.


Counseling is an option. HOWEVER, I would STRONGLY advise you to leave even if he agrees to counseling. You can work it out while living apart. Chances are that he either won't go to counseling, won't continue to go, and/or won't cooperate. If any of those happen, obviously, he doesn't want to make it work.


Also, regardless of how isolated he has been from dd, be aware that you should IMMEDIATELY obtain a restraining order upon leaving OR obtain a restraining order and make him leave. When getting a restraining order, it is usually your call. A TRO will give you temporary custody of your dd. He may fight the TRO, so line up whatever witnesses you have.


In the mean time, take care of yourself and your dd. It's a difficult place to be in. If you question what you should be doing or question whether it's really that bad, remember that is HIM talking, not the logical part of your brain! (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:38pm

It sounds like he did just what he needed to do in order to get you to marry him and that was it.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 12:31am

I completely agree with everything you've said, Amcanmom, except the part about counseling. Couples counseling in domestic abuse cases (which is what this is) is NEVER recommended by any counselor or therapist trained in domestic abuse. Good explanations of this can be found in the following post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board:



“Regular” vs. DV Counseling


I do agree that if Mom_Lenae gets counseling on her own that would be a great thing, she should also seek out a DV counselor, and can access one for free by calling her local DV shelter or a DV hotline (800-799-SAFE (7233).


I'm glad you got yourself out of your marriage, Amcanmom, there's no experience like having been there to tell it like it is, but I'm sorry you and your kids had to go through it at all. Hopefully Mom_Lenae will heed your warnings and get out before her daughter is as affected by her environment as your kids have been.

Thanks again for posting your story.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"