Ok, so here's some background:
Hi Sunina7, you certainly have some problems here.
If I have this right, you disagree and he pulls away, which makes you feel hurt, and then you get angry and resent him.
In as far as how you're thinking of
dealing with it, I think you're on the right track – you should be
looking to compromise; you recognize he has a preferred way of
dealing with issues and recognize yours is 100% different from that.
Each of you should be giving some – you allowing him some space,
him being willing to talk about it before he'd actually prefer to
left to his own devices. That can be an easy agreement to come to
when the pressure's off, but when there's an issue at hand, it can be
pretty hard to stand by.... I also agree with you that it's not fair
that your needs in this area have been ignored in favor of his
preference (not talking about it).
My suggestion would be that you talk to
him about this at a time when there isn't a current issue between you
and there is nothing stressful going on. Yup, I'm suggesting that
when things are going great you should bring up an issue that you
know won't be fun or easy to talk about. It's the only time to talk
about these things; if you talk when there's an issue, emotions are
high and the issue at hand gets in the way as well. Talking about it
when there are no issues afoot lets you talk about what you need to
talk about – the pattern of how you deal with problems. It's a
time to tell him you're concerned about how the two of you deal with
issues, how you're concerned about the tension and damage that's done
to your relationship when the issue drags on for days without being
talked about, how you don't like always having to drag the issue out,
etc. If you keep the discussion to your concern and how you feel
you're likely to get much farther than if you criticize him or tell
him that he's doing it wrong. It's easy to get defensive when you're
being told you're doing it wrong, harder when you're hearing your
partner speaking of concern for the health and welfare of your
relationship. I'm going to post some links to therapists recommended
articles on constructive arguing at the end of my response.
You also mentioned that you have
insecurities and baggage and that is most definitely having an impact
here. Insecurities and baggage that you bring with you is damaging
to your relationship and quite honestly, isn't your husband's to deal
with, it's your job to resolve your issues so that you have a
relationship that isn't negatively affected by your past. Seeing a
therapist is exactly what you should do to get to the bottom of your
issues and work through them so that your relationship is no longer
affected by them. This is for you to do yourself, this isn't the
place for couples counseling, it isn't your husband's place to be.
I'm not saying that couples counseling couldn't be helpful to you
two, but your husband has no place in therapy that deals with your
issues, and that is something that definitely should be dealt with.
First, thanks True Blue Strine for responding.
Thanks so much harmony 08 for replying.
Welcome to the board, Sunina7 ~
It's good that he's agreed to compromise. I'd really recommend
that he (and you) come up with a tentative plan rather than to leave
it open ended until you find yourselves in the heat of the moment.
Without something in place it's going to be pretty hard to make a
rational decision on what is a reasonable compromise, considering
it's already a given that it will be outside of his comfort zone.
Something like agreeing to come to you within 24 hours of the
argument/upset is a good place to start. He'll have already
committed to a definite deadline and has control over when within
that time frame he's ready to approach it again. It's certainly true
that often having a cooling off period is wise, and some people need
time to walk away from the situation before they're ready to deal
with it, but days isn't reasonable. For me, the longer I let it go
the harder it is to come back and approach it. There never is a good
time once you've walked away (for me), but the longer it is the
harder it is, and the beauty of days without approaching it is by
that time the intensity has died down for both of you and it's not
such a big deal any more. That said, unresolved issues can
ultimately kill a relationship; your relationship can only stand so
much before you've got too much built up for your relationship to
survive. The articles I posted, especially 10 Rules for Fair
Fighting, might serve as a helpful set of rules for how you conduct
yourselves in an argument.
There are some articles on how to choose a therapist in the
Information and Resources section of the board that you might find
helpful too. Let me know if you'd like, I'd be happy to link them in
a post for you too. You know it occurs to me, if you resolve your
insecurities and baggage, your reaction and approach may well be
completely different, which in turn may make his response completely
different and resolve the problem you're having on its own.
Keep us updated on how all this is going for you guys.
When I'm upset, I do not like