DH is feeling overwhelmed
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| Mon, 10-23-2006 - 8:54am |
I need some advice. DH and I have one DD, born in June 05. I'm currently PG, expecting in May. We've been married 9 years now (I'm 36, DH is almost 40). We both work full time.
I've noticed a recurring issue with him since Em was born. He will periodically lament that he doesn't have any time for himself or that we rely too much on him or that he does too much. They sound a little different, but I'm reasonably certain that they are just different manifestations of the same issue. Honestly, I don't ask unreasonable things - if he's out of the house working on a project all day, then I ask him to stop by about 6 PM (he typically starts long before lunch, and has spent the morning reading the paper). By the time he gets inside, eats, and cleans up, it's at least 6:30/6:45, and that only gives him 45 minutes until Em's bedtime. I don't "dump" her on him and disappear - we generally all hang out together in the family room. I just firmly believe that it's very important for her to have some time with him.
I am having a bit of difficulty picking her up and carrying her because of the pregnancy and she's just about 25 pounds, so I've been asking DH's help to get her on the changing table or in and out of the high chair. I've never asked him to come in from a project to do it - he's always been in the house. And, when he's working, I just do it myself, but it makes my belly ache a bit. The only time that I "dump" her on him on the weekends is for me to take a shower and shave my legs. I get about 45 minutes of Mommy Time to take care of that.
Well, Saturday night DH came in from working on his truck. He was *very* frustrated b/c it was giving him a whole lot of problems, and he's normally really good with it. (Rusted bolts broke off and had to be forced out, he whacked his head a couple times, etc.) I hadn't eaten much for dinner without him - just a little mac and cheese and some veggies with Em. Honestly, when she is in her high chair, I can run down and throw in laundry without worrying about her, so I did that, cleaned the kitchen, and only munched a little bit. Well, when DH came in, he was very angry that I hadn't had more at dinner time. He was barking at me about "You need to stop relying on me so much," and "I know you're all pissed off at me - what's YOUR problem now?" And I looked at him and said, "I'm not actually angry with you at all, but I don't see any need for you to talk to me like this." I was going to have a little more dinner with him later on after Em went to bed...
Honestly, my thought is that, since his father left when he was 8 and his mother never remarried, that DH doesn't understand that's just pretty much how it is to be the dad. His mother got her associate's degree and worked nights while he was growing up, so he never really knew what it is that parents do for each other and their kids. I'm reasonably confident that this is accurate, especially since his mother lived with us for 9 years. So I know all the parties involved and I just think he doesn't realize what families do.
Does this sound reasonable? Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can gently help him understand? Has anyone else gone through this with their DH? I don't think it's that uncommon...
DH adores our DD and is so excited about the baby. I know he loves me, too. But, I need to help him with this so that it makes our lives happier together.
Thanks in advance,
M2E


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you write: " I think my husband hates me for this. "
he'll get over himself, and his siblings as well.
Je vous remercie beaucoup pour le message...
Thanks for making me feel less pathetic. That's pretty accurate about my MIL - but I would add that I did all that for her while I worked FT and was in graduate school. She is an expert manipulator and honestly doesn't like men. She is very critical of her sons and their families, but has nothing but good things for her (divorced) daughter and her 3 daughters... Tell me that isn't messed up.
We've been struggling since I was PG 2 years ago. I've given him some verbal whacks, too. He had insisted that I was making stuff up or lying for almost a year when I finally asked him if he thought I was insane or a pathological liar (yes, exact words). I told him that I must be one or the other and would therefore need hospitalization and intensive therapeutic intervention (yes, all exact words) if I was so debased. He finally then admitted that none of it was out of character for his mom and he just didn't want to believe it. So we've made little bits of progress. And, the ILs aren't allowed to either drop in or call from the cell phone while in the car on the way anymore. He doesn't ask to see them much - just Christmas and Emmy's birthday party since Dec last year. They don't talk to me, so they don't call the house - just him directly on his cell phone, it's rude but then I don't have to deal with it.
That's why I'm trying to be more gentle with him about some of this. My obvious preference would be that MIL sees me/Em/new baby on a cold day in hell. I think she's truly evil. I'm willing to tolerate twice a year under short circumstances, as long as they don't declare open warfare, because it's kind for him and I do love him and I hate to hurt him. I'm trying to rise above this as much as I can because he can't control them. I know that I'm still hurt by things that he did/didn't do, but he has come to a decent place. cl-2nd_life was right - the whole issue is just staring at us and we don't talk about it. I don't think it's exactly what either of us want, but I think it's the best compromise we have.
It's all going to hit the fan when they find out I'm PG. I don't think H has told them yet - we haven't seen them since July. He's probably planning to do it at their Family Christmas Eve, when they all try to act well-adjusted and normal. I will have NO ONE visit at the hospital but my husband, my parents will bring our DD, and maybe my B and SIL (probably not, though b/c they have 5 kids and it would be nutty). That is engraved in stone and is not negotiable. I'll call security on any inlaw who shows up.
The best part is that we now live less than a mile from my parents. They were absolute life savers when Em was born - Dad would take care of her and mom would help me get dishes, laundry, etc. They also came and picked us up so that I wasn't home alone with MIL when DH was working. I'm been thinking about getting at least 6 or 8 weeks of maid service (once a week). I might even start it very soon. I make more money than DH, so he can just accept that. I think it would make us all happier.
Thank you for your kind words. It's really hard for my husband, but he doesn't communicate well and does lash out at me when angry (doesn't matter who he's angry with). I know I don't deserve it, but it does help to hear a stranger person tell me that I don't deserve it and that I'm not completely unreasonable in my expectations.
M2E
Of course it would be best if you went to counseling together, and I suspect he could use some individual therapy, but seeing a counselor on your own to help you sort out these problems would help you immensely. In counseling you'd learn how to better deal with him and how to talk to him more effectively and more productively -- about every day issues as well as the deeper problems. You can make a huge difference in your relationship by going on your own, and you'll definitely make a huge difference in how you feel, your stress level, your happiness, etc. When he sees you going to counseling, knowing it's to deal with problems in your marriage and to work on your unhappiness, you may find that sooner or later he'll go too. Just be sure that your therapist/counselor is accredited in a field of couples therapy, don't accept anyone who isn't, unless you're planning to only go on your own, if you're both likely to go at some point, you'll need someone who's trained and certified for couples counseling.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", by Harriet Lerner. might be really helpful to you too ~ and no, I'm not saying you're angry. It's a great book and makes lots of sense. Angry or not, it makes a lot of sense.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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