DH has computer game addiction
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| Thu, 01-19-2006 - 9:16am |
Here are my questions:
Does anyone have a computer addicted spouse?
Did you do an intervention?
What was the outcome?
here is the story ...
I have been with my DH for 10 years. We have 2 kids - 25 months and 6 months. He loves his computer and often plays computer games - I knew this when I married him and it was no big deal ... I guess I thought that when our lives got busier (i.e. had children ) his prorities would shift. No go, here is the deal:
He plays the game War of Witchcraft (or something like that)
Plays from about 8-11 4 nights a week and on weekends he plays during kids naps (about 2-3 hours)
He doesn't play on Thurs because he has hockey
He doesn't play on Wed/Sat because after several long discussions he has agreed that those would be our nights together. (however, the baby doesn't sleep well which leaves me exhausted so on Wed and Sat I often go to bed early and he plays the game)
He just bought a new computer so that he can play the game 'faster'.
He says ...
He enjoyes the game
It is a release for him after a crappy day at work (which most are)
He does his share and more with the kids and house so why do I care what he does afterwards?
Most couples don't share hobbies and it is unnatural to think we would spend every night together.
If I wanted to be with him I could join him in the office and scrapbook while he plays.
Here are my complaints about the situation:
He does his share of the kids/housework, but obviously can't wait to get 'the game'
He just bought a computer so that he can play the game faster (I was aware of and agreed to the purchase, just didn't realize the true intent behind wanting the new computer)
It feels like he has a girlfriend ... something he would rather focus on then me.
Because of the distance I feel with him I simply don't want sex. I wouldn't care if he never touched me again.
He likes to talk about the game and the battles and the details about the game - it not only bores, it worries me, that he gets such a thrill out of it.
He has a lot of problems at work that he chooses not to deal with. He hates his job but can't seem to change the job, himself, or his attitude.
He doesn't have too many friends that he hangs out with regularly - he says he doesn't share interests with other people. His few good friends from HS are enough for him. He doesn't want to try to make friends.
I could go on about my complaints and how destroyed I am by this. I do feel like if he could give up the game our marriage and our lives would improve considerably. I just don't see that he would ever admit to, agree to, come to terms with the issue.
By the way ... I am an alcoholic and I gave up drinking 14 years ago. I understand having 'the need' for something that masks other problems and how hard it is to identify and fix what is truly wrong.
thoughts? answers to my above questions?

Hi and welcome,
WEll, I have 2 things to say about the post. One is that most of the men I've ever been around (which decidedly isn't a lot) have had this thing with computer games or other "mindless and brainless" activities. Yes, my DH even has a name for them. We call it his M&B time. When we first had kids he didn't get that it was causing a huge interference in our lives. He figured that he could act just as he had when he was single and first married. I don't mind computer games (playing them) so I had him get a version of the game he played (Civilization) that could support 2 players and I would play it with him some. (Not near as often as he played.)
I'm willing to bet that your DH doesn't quite realize the AMOUNT of time he plays. INstead of cutting down on the # of days he plays, see if he would cut down and play it from 9:30 pm on instead. That would give you some unwind time together. Tell him that you want to see him and it takes DAILY time to make sure you stay connected. You can also tell him that you feel yourself becoming less sexually attracted to him and you don't want that to happen, but for you to feel more attracted you need to spend more time together. And have specific things that can be done that he wouldn't be opposed to.
That said, I will say my #2 now. If your DH does things with the sole intent of getting to the game, then I think the game is a problem. There is such a thing as enjoying something a lot, there is another that is obsession. Being a recovering addict, you know you can't make him see it as a problem and you can't make him fix it. What you can do is try to offer other things for an outlet for him or try to set up some ground rules. And if you've set up 2 nights a week for the two of you and then you go to bed, well, you need to spend that with him. You need to SHOW him that spending time together is important to you.
And while it is unrealisitic to spend all your time together or not have any individual interests, I beg to differ that couples don't have hobbies and shared interests. My DH and I have TONS of shared hobbies and interests. And if there is something I just can't stand that he does (Diplomacy online) then he almost always manages to accomplish playing it when I'm asleep or doing something else. I don't know if telling your DH that you feel he is discounting your feelings would help. I don't know if telling him that he may think this is unnatural but this is what you NEED will help. It all depends on what is more important to him.
Maybe a good couples counselor would help. And give him an outlet for all the other problems.
Jen
Congratulations on 14 years of sobriety, that's quite an accomplishment, you have much to be proud of. Did you do it with the help of a program? Are you currently involved in a 12-step type-program?
I have to say right up front that I'm on the fence about calling this an addiction. Not because it's "only" computer games but because of his M.O. and the definition of addiction. I'll also say that I'm not qualified to diagnose an addiction; I'm really looking for your thoughts and input, not disagreeing with you. I hear what you're saying about the computer games masking other problems, like an addict or an alcoholic uses drugs or alcohol to "self medicate" and ease their problems. At the same time, we all need down time, we all need diversion, having something to take our minds off our problems isn't a bad thing. But then, as I'm writing, I'm thinking that he doesn't use this occasionally as a stress reliever, he uses it constantly. I'm also thinking about the definition of addiction -- the inability to control usage once you start using. An alcoholic can not drink for days, weeks at a time but when they do drink, they can't stop at just three drinks. With him though, he's able to say he'll limit his playing to three hours and stop at three. Another way to define addiction is if you continue to use even though it's causing problems in your life. It seems to me that his playing is causing problems for him, but he continues to use, or is he simply blind to the fact that this is a very big issue for you? Anyway, I'm seeing indicators on both sides and am not sure what side he sits on. It seems like it's important to define this problem as an addiction or not so that you can address and deal with it properly and effectively. Although, whether it's an addiction or not, if he refuses to change and/or get help it will continue and ultimately it will be up to you whether you're willing to be in a three-way marriage (husband/comupter/you).
I just googled the issue and came up with a few sites that have some good information on video addiction.
This one's a college paper, but has some good information and offers good resources to go to:Video Game Addiction: Do we need a Video Gamers Anonymous? This one offers symptoms of adults with video addiction:
Computer and Video Game Addiction I also found a site called "On-Line Gamers Anonymous, but according to the info they provide, "Counseling...is the last resort to ending your on-line gaming addiction." Hmmm...doesn't make the program sound too reputable, does it?
What I hear you say is that it isn't so much that he plays the hours he does, but that his thoughts and attention are obviously focused on getting to the game every moment that he's not on it.
Yes, I know addicts are experts at excusing, minimizing and justifying their use, and I'm sure you've probably approached it from this angle, but I'll ask it anyway... would he be happy/satisfied if your attention was fully elsewhere? If you couldn't wait to get out night after night to completely shut him out and focus on the object of your obsession? Would he be okay with that? You mentioned that you feel about this like he has a woman on the side. In addiction, a couple is absolutely involved in a triangle, the couple and the addiction. Focus cannot be given to the marriage because it is being put on the addiction and in that way it is exactly like an affair. In effect, it doesn't matter what it is, a game, a woman or something else, the fact is his attention, his energy, his "love" is elsewhere and in addiction more time is spent protecting their "love" than is being spent on the relationship. Your thoughts?
Video Game Addiction ResourcesI don't know of anyone who's been involved in an intervention of any kind. If you've seen the A&E Channel's "Addiction" show, you may have seen the episode on video addiction and the intervention they did. I saw the show and if I remember correctly, the guy did not choose treatment. But then, they were dealing with a kid in his late teens/early 20's; not exactly an age where they're most conducive to reasonable, logical thinking. I did find a few websites that touched on video game addiction intervention:
MediaWise Video Game Addiction What should you do?
I know I've babbled on and on and really haven't answered anything. Sorry about that. I look forward to hearing your thoughts though and hope some of what I've said has at least sparked some thoughts or realizations.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
This might sound a little crazy, but I know the game, World of Warcraft, and I play it. I'm not going to make an excuse for it, but I can say the game is addicting. My DH hates when I'm on it because he feels like you do: I could be with him instead of on the computer. I do understand his feelings and I try to play when he is at work, or sleeping. He still hates the game. I only play about an hour a day, but it IS every day. I also use it as a mindless escape to wind down from my day.
I do agree that the amount of time your DH puts into playing, and even thinking about the game, does sound a little extreme. I wish I could give you some good advice. The only upside to this that I can think of is that there are a lot of men (such as my EX-husband) who are addicted to worse things online (porn).
Here's a crazy idea: have him show you how to create a character. Then start playing yourself. You'd be surprised how interesting it really is. Then you can tell him to get off the computer so you can play!
Just want to say first off I have been there trust me.However things did get better for me.My husband was ALOT worse.He would play from the time he got up till the time he went to bed and I am talking sometimes he would stay up almost 2 days in a row just playing on that computer.He works funny hours so he was able to do that.Be glad that your husband does do other stuff.Like help out with the kids and chores.Mine does not.He will watch them if I have to go grocery shopping or something but as soon as I get back it's all on me.Even then he would be on the computer.See I too have 2 children.3 and 3 months.Have been with my husband going on 7 years.married 5 and lived together 6.Anyway He is not a social person.He only has one friend that he cares to hang out with and when they get together guess what it is computer time.Even if they are not on there playing games they were formating the harddrives and stuff like that.I know you are asking yourself what helped me.Well to tell you the truth not sure.I can however tell you what all I did that I think helped.Believe me my husband is not the easiest to talk to about stuff like this.Well he will listen but it usually goes in one ear and out the other.However I just got to where at first I always mentioned it to others when he was around.Not in a mean way or anything just stated something like Tony stays on that computer.I did this for a while just so to make it obvious to him without nagging or sounding aggravated.At the same time not giving my permission but not showing emotion about it at all.Where he would think of it like say after I made that coment I would say I don't know how he does it I mean gosh that is a long time to look at a computer and between the kids and everything else even if I wanted to there would be no time.Then after a while of little coments like that I would just come in here and bug him by talking to him about anything.He couldn't come out and say I was bugging him because I was doing nothing wrong just talking about every day stuff.Like a couple should in order to have a healthy relationship.In those times of bugging him I would mention how I missed the days we did this and that.Simple stuff you know that mean alot.Also that how since the kids and all I felt we were not spending much quality time together.Between his work and computer and my chores around the house and now kids I missed that.See My husband is not one to go anywhere.AT ALL.Seriously.HE is confined to the house when he is not at work.Plus I tried to show an interest in this.You would be surprised how much this works especially if when he tries to show you you just dont get it.But insist on giving it a go anyway.Showing an interest in something he likes just because you know he likes it will tell him something even if he does not say anything.Which he probley wont.Just tell him since he likes it so much you would like to be able to share something he is so passionate about.You might like it but if you are like me well I just pretended and asked to many questions.This annoyed him but yet made him admire me at the same time for it.Eventually doing it all the time kinda got old I guess you could say I spoiled the fun.I did mention to him when we would have our serious talks though that sometimes I felt that he was more interested in the computer than me or kids.Not at first though.Anyway one plus is that he does help you and it is not as often as my husband was doing it.I am talking like sometimes no kidding he would not get off the computer except to use the bathroom for like 16 hours straight.Even ate there.HAd me get him a drink and everything.(spoiled)lol.Anyway just saying that I understand and yes that is alot but don't give up.I really believe that the worst thing you could do is nagg him about it think about it if someone naggs you about something you want to do it more don't you?I do anyway.Guess everyone is different but you guys sound alot like Tony and I.Don't give up though if it means this much if nothing else talk to him sincerely with out demands just tell him in a nice calm voice that you understand eh needs a hobby and a way to unwind you just would like to be the one tounwind him everynow and then.Tell him you believe it is your job as his wife to do so and feel like you are failing when he depends on the computer everytime.Anyway I hope I helped.Trust me I do understand where you aer coming from and I do want to offer you my help.Like I said not sure exactly what worked but that is what happened with us and that is what I did.He still gets on it but no where near like he did before.Plus at least you can say that he is at home with you and not out.That helped me.See and my husband never has set nights for just us to spend time together.He is definetly not a romantic or anything like it.Anyway if you would like to talk more on this subject please resond.I would be glad to assist you any way that is possible---------Love,Kathy GOD BLESS!!!!