DH, money, children and life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
DH, money, children and life...
15
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 10:34am

Ladies (and gents?), I'm close to my wits end. My DH and I have been married 4 1/2 years but have ongoing money issues. Last night we got into an argument after visiting friends and their newborn. They are older and relatively well off so they have all the best baby furniture, strollers, etc. I admired my friend's Coach baby bag (which is very cute, but impractical my friend and I agreed). Anyway, my DH and I get home and start talking about baby names, and somehow it went from there to how he will never allow "frivolous" spending for our child like our friends did; that our child would "make do". The example he used was the kid would go from the crib to the bed in the spare bedroom; no fancy toddler bed etc. The old bed was a hand me down to us for which we had to buy a new mattress because it gave US back problems. But he thinks our child should make do with it?!? Ultimately he said he was afraid that when we have children that "we" (meaning I) will want to spend so much on "frivolous" items that we will go into debt. And I said to him that frivolous is relative and that what he thought was practical I could consider frivolous and vice versa. And that some things are worth the expense. I used the example of the snow blower we bought last winter. It wasn't the top of the line, but it wasn't the bottom either. And in any event, it WASN'T A SHOVEL! But, according to him, anything more complex than an old fashion mop (where you have to wring it by hand) is a luxury!!! Not that HE does any of the mopping. Now, don't get me wrong, he is NOT universally frugal. What HE thinks is important is important, but if HE thinks it's a luxury, than it's a waste of money. He'll spend plenty of money to regrip his golf clubs and work on his game, but heaven forbid I should spend money on a good suit.

SO I tried to headoff the conversation because I could see it was heading for a fight, but he just kept going on and on about his hoping that we can live within our means and make decisions that are best for our household. So I looked at him and said, "Do you not think that I will make decisions according to what's best for my family and household?" His reply: "I pray you will." UGH!!! This man is so arrogant and self-centered that he thinks he's the only one capable of making a valid decision. What the heck am I, chopped liver?!!? So by that point I'm angry and hurt and stop participating in the conversation. Not that THAT stops him. He proceeds to tell me how all I do is go to the mall and buy clothes I don't need and how he doesn't spend anything (all of which is a one-sided exaggeration). I state that he can't make unilateral decisions and he caps off the conversation with an "I'm head of the household" monologue that seals my anger for the night. In the end he slept in the other room and I spent the night really contemplating whether I can have children with this man.

Ultimately, I think he is legitimately concerned about how financial decisions will be made with children because he struggled growing up. BUT, he has never put faith in me or trusted my decisions to the point where we usually do things separately. We are not rich, but comfortable enough that we have the resources to make spending decisions relatively freely. However, a lot of the time I feel like a prisoner when it comes to spending because he will generally disagree with me and it will become an argument. There are things I think I've worked hard for the right to consider that I can't because of this. And I'm afraid if we have children that I will be in this battle perpetually everytime the child needs something. Any ideas on how to get him to realize that he's not the only capable member of this marriage?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 6:29pm
jenny and aisha, thank you. you have both made very good points to think about and consider. i hope that we can work through these issues because i do want a family for us to share.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 9:44pm
One thing I would suggest is to discuss (not argue) about things that are actually happening. What is the point in getting bent out of shape about how someone may or may not spend to provide for the needs of a currently nonexistent child? At the moment, you probably don't even know what a child will need, beyond a crib and some diapers. If you are considering trying to conceive any time soon, the two of you might want to research the cost of basic infant necessities and talk about the extras you feel he or she should have. That way, your husband will have a better idea of what the financial bite would be. But for goodness sake don't let yourself be drawn into an argument about a bed for a toddler who isn't even part of the family yet. That will just lead to "I told you so" somewhere down the road.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 12:54am

Hazel, Is your comment directed towards my response to you or the responses in general? I hope you understand that when we answer posts, we typically have to do so making some assumptions in the answers we give in that beginning response and when or if we get answers(some OP's never bother to respond to questions), we're more than happy to adjust our responses based on the new information. Too, there's always the fact that when you post a question in a public forum the answers you get are not always going to be what you want to hear or what you agree with.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 1:06am

Ah Hah! I found the one I can reply to!


<>


Yes, It seems like the child thing set him off in particular. I babysit frequently and see lots of houses over run by seldom played with toys. I made DH come to one house, then handed him a list of what our kids could and could not have. It can be very ridiculus! Somewhat

~MissApril
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 1:40am

Hazel, I'm sure you've realized that your husband is acting just as his father does, which isn't surprising since we learn from our parents how our roles as adults should be played. The lessons we learned from our parents are the hardest to break, since we had them drilled in for years and years. By his own statement he believes himself to be head of the household, rather than in a partnership, unless he's willing to rethink his beliefs, it's not likely much will change. I have to comment on your statement, "he has his moments where he thinks he is the center of the world (like all men) ", that's just not so. "All men, even most men, do not think they're the center of the world, even some of the time.


My kids' toddler bed frame cost $30 new and since the mattress that fits it is a crib mattress, we just used the same mattress they'd been on before. Not a major purchase at all. But the toddler bed obviously isn't the real issue, the issue is the way he sees spending, that his purchases are justifiable and right, yours are not, and for him, the roots go deep.. You don't want to spend the rest of your life struggling to "get" to buy the things you want, arguing to get what you want or feel that you have to defend your purchases or what you want to purchase, and who can blame you.


The truth is, I think, we all tend to think the purchases we want to make are more reasonable, justifiable than those of our partners, at least to some extent, the trick is you have to recognize that; and when your partner is looking at something you totally don't think is needed (usually it's an item for them, not for you or both of you), you just think back to the last thing you bought for yourself that you know was a "want" not a "need", bite your tongue and let it go. Like the rest of marriage, it's give and take. But with the example your husband learned from, he may have trouble seeing it that way. The first thing that should happen, I think is that you should talk about the problem at a time when there isn't a problem or issue between you. Not a time when you particularly like to think about stirring things up, I know, but it's the only time to get things out in an atmosphere where they can hopefully be resolved. Have you already done this? If not, the best way to get started is to tell him you have a problem you'd like to talk to him about. That gets him into "help" mode rather than "defense" mode and brings him to the table more ready to listen and problem solve. Whether you decide to talk right then or choose a later time (wait to tell him what the problem involves until you actually talk) be sure to you "I" rather than "you" sentences. Saying, "I'm concerned about how we view spending" or "I'm concerned that the way we deal with money will cause problems for us down the road" will be received more favorably than "You never approve of anything I want to buy". If you can get him to see (without blaming) that he too makes "unnecessary" purchases and that purchase decisions need to be joint rather than mandated you'll be miles ahead. It will likely not be an easy change for him to make, and he'll have to want it to happen before it will. If he refuses to see it, refuses to change, there's not a lot you're going to do. There area several articles in our Information and Resources section on conflict resolution that might help you in talking to him:

Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

And a board in the Household Finances section of the Home and Food Channel that might be helpful to you is Ask the Love & Money Expert .

If you don't find resolution in trying any of the above, I would suggest seeing a therapist who is licensed in both couples therapy and finance. This may not be something that's easily fixed, and if he's not willing to address it, it isn't going to change as you'd like it to.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure



Edited 10/3/2005 4:56 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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