DH Problems
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DH Problems
| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 12:38am |
Hello. My name is Carrie & I am new to the group. I am a young Mom to a beatuiful 2 year old & wife.
I really have no one to talk about my marriage problems to so I thought I might get some help here....
Well, today was Mother's Day & I am alittle let down. All I told my DH was I wanted a day where he took care of our daughter & I got to relax some & I just wanted him to spend some "Family Time" with us. I didn't care if it was just the 3 of us playing in the backyard or whatever. Well, I got up this morning & he was still asleep! So about 3 hours after I had been up he finally made breakfast, which was very nice of him! But that was really the only family time I got.By the end of the night he said he was tired & we went to bed & he past out on me without even saying goodnight.
Here the thing, I am ALWAYS doing really nice & special things for him & his buddies! I take care of our daughter, house, cooking, & bills. I am also running around trying to please everyone 24-7. I just kinda thought I could have 1 day where someone paid back the favor.
My DH & I have talked alot about how I am always trying in our marriage & I feel like he doesn't try that hard with me or our daughter. He just says he is tired from working all the time.
I am not sure what else I can say or do to make him understand that he is really hurting me. And I am going to get to the point where I wont do anything for him anymore.
I dont think I am really asking that much from him. I ask for little things cause those are usually more speical.
What do yall think?
I really have no one to talk about my marriage problems to so I thought I might get some help here....
Well, today was Mother's Day & I am alittle let down. All I told my DH was I wanted a day where he took care of our daughter & I got to relax some & I just wanted him to spend some "Family Time" with us. I didn't care if it was just the 3 of us playing in the backyard or whatever. Well, I got up this morning & he was still asleep! So about 3 hours after I had been up he finally made breakfast, which was very nice of him! But that was really the only family time I got.By the end of the night he said he was tired & we went to bed & he past out on me without even saying goodnight.
Here the thing, I am ALWAYS doing really nice & special things for him & his buddies! I take care of our daughter, house, cooking, & bills. I am also running around trying to please everyone 24-7. I just kinda thought I could have 1 day where someone paid back the favor.
My DH & I have talked alot about how I am always trying in our marriage & I feel like he doesn't try that hard with me or our daughter. He just says he is tired from working all the time.
I am not sure what else I can say or do to make him understand that he is really hurting me. And I am going to get to the point where I wont do anything for him anymore.
I dont think I am really asking that much from him. I ask for little things cause those are usually more speical.
What do yall think?

Welcome to the board, Carrie ~ I'm sorry your mother's day didn't go as hoped.
It sounds like this is a pattern in your life though, yes? You trying to do everything to keep your end up and to keep your husband and his friends happy, while you get nothing in return. Is that about right? If that's the case, I know you already know it, but you're being used and you're allowing it to happen. I imagine he doesn't offer - or deliver - more because he knows he doesn't have to; you might complain about it, he might have to apologize or excuse his behavior, but in the end, everything goes right back to the way it is.
I'm glad you're getting to the point that you don't want to do anything for him anymore, that would be a good place to start. Give back what you get. I'm making some assumptions here, so please correct me where I'm wrong. I'm assuming you stay home with your child while he works, yes? He's tired after work, of course he is, we all are. The news flash is that you work too, only you don't get paid for it. And your job never ends. Another news flash (if he needs it) when he comes home from work, he's not "off", he's simply traded jobs, he's gone from whatever his paid-work title is to the title of "partner and parent". He's simply changed jobs, he's not off. When he comes through the door he comes through ready to be a partner and a dad and do what needs to be done in that respect. IMO, the housework is yours, dishes, laundry, etc., but if he's relaxing after dinner, you are too. You deserve just as much down time as he does (actually more - SAHM is a tough job). Child duties are split, bath, bed time, any and all needs are dealt with by both of you. Actually, he should take more to keep himself as bonded with his child as he can. Back to the things you do for him and his friends, I would put a stop to that. If he protests, I would tell him I'm too tired from all the work I do around the house and with the baby, and/or that I just don't have time with everything else I have to do. If you had a partner, some real help, yeah, I'd be willing to give back, but Carrie, you're not a workhorse, you're his partner, and I'm not hearing a lot of partnership in what you've said. Slave, yes, partner, no.
I don't think you can say anything to make him understand he's hurt you. He knows he's pushing it all off on you, this is about what he wants and what he feels like doing, it's not about your needs. You teach him by handing it all over to him to deal with, by refusing to continue to be taken advantage of. What I see is that he never intended to handle things on Mother's Day. If he had, he wouldn't have gotten drunk the night before, he would have been gearing up for his duties for the following day. And he certainly knows the day starts early with a two-year old. The first mistake you made was getting up with your child. You should have nudged him and mumbled that the baby was awake and he needed to get going. Next time you want a day of quiet, plan to go somewhere else, get yourself up and out of there and leave him to deal with it without you. That's how he's going to learn that he has to deal with it himself and that you mean business. What you want and what you expect isn't unreasonable, it's very reasonable and you should be able to have it without any problem. Since you don't, you're going to have to make it happen.
What do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I think you nailed it to the T. Don't get me wrong my DH can be GREAT, but it's on his time & when he wants to. I just think I keep busting my butt & no one appreciates it!
I am kinda not looking forward to having our anniversary this month cause I know he wont put any effort into it, & then I will be let down. I told him he had to plan the whole thing cause I am also the one planning special stuff all the time cause he "says" he doesn't know how to plan this kind of stuff.
I had been waiting on a woman that is a comedian to come to TX for about a year & I found out she was coming the weekend of our anniversary. Well I told my DH like 3 months ago. But he never got the tickets. Instead he has been blowing money on drinking this whole last month & we are broke. He spent $300 in one night on one of his friends birthdays that I threw. So instead of putting back money for our anniversary the last 3 months he has pretty much spent it on having a good time with his friends.
And I refuse to plan our anniversary! He NEVER does anything special or romantic for me, yet I do it all for him. If he doesn't want to put the effort out on our anniversary I would rather just 4get that we have an anniversary.
Thank you so much for replying. It's nice to no that I have someone that agrees with me & I am not just being selfish.
;-]
Carrie, I'm sure your husband can be and is a great guy, but I've got to tell you, from your response here, I'm more concerned than I was before. It sounds like he drinks excessively more than just on a rare basis and it certainly sounds like he spends irresponsibly and to the detriment to his family. Those are indicators of very serious problems. Marriage is a partnership, and deciding how large amounts of money are spent ($300 definitely applies), I'm betting you'd never blow that kind of money without his agreement and blessing first. And I'm also betting you'd never blow that kind of money knowing your family was going to be broke as a result.
Your husband may be a great guy, but he's extremely immature and irresponsible at best and based on his drinking sprees he possibly has a alcoholism problem as well. What do you think?
I'm not trying to be mean, but I honestly think if you want any kind of anniversary event, you'd better either plan it yourself or lay out exactly what you want him to do and when it needs to be done, followed by checking to make sure he actually did what he said he'd do. If you want tickets to the comedian (if you have enough money), you need to get them yourself. Some guys need more direction and ideas than others. If he's told you he's no good at coming up with plans, providing him with several ideas to choose from gives him his own choice without failing. He may be one of those guys that you'll just always need to get special gifts, etc. for yourself with. My ex was like that, I bought gifts for myself, wrapped them and put them under the Christmas tree. After several years of being disappointed I learned if there was something I really wanted, I needed to get it for myself. Granted, it's not romantic, but if your guy's not romantic it's the only way you're ever going to get what you want; you're never disappointed that way. It may also be that he's so involved with himself and gratifying his own needs (drinking, his buddies, putting you in last place) that he just isn't interested in actively working towards things that you want.
I know some of what I've said is hurtful, and I haven't meant it that way, what I've tried to be is honest and offer possibilities of what could be the case. I hope it's not the worst of what I suggested, but if it is, pretending that's not the case won't help you at all.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"