Different Directions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Different Directions?
8
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 3:39am
I am new to this board, and I don't know if this is the right place for this post, but I would really like some input. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We plan to get married within the next couple of years. We are already practically married in the sense that we live together, act married, and share finances. And we know that we want a family someday. The problem is, I want to have a baby now. The maternal instict is so strong for me that whenever the thought of getting pregnant crosses my mind, I start to get all teary. But he doesn't want a baby for about three to four years. Has anyone had this problem? And if so, do you have any suggestions on how to deal with it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:03pm
bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 12:58pm
My answer really depends on your age. If you are under 30, then waiting a few more years sounds like the best thing to do. You need your fiance's full commitment to fatherhood - otherwise your child could suffer tremendously. You should always consider the best interests of your child first, your maternal needs take second place. If you are well over 30, and you want more than one child and you feel that your biological clock is ticking away, then perhaps you should share those concerns with him. Present him with medical research that explains the risks of bearing children too late in life. You really need to have more than just a maternal longing as a reason to push the issue. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 2:13am
First of all, thank you for your input on the situation. I am 20 years old. But my boyfriend is 33, almost 34. That is another reason I don't want to wait too many years before having a baby. Whenever I bring the issue up, he tells me he wants to have children with me. But honestly, I don't know if he will really be ready when he says he will be, or if he is just saying it to make me happy. I feel that I am ready now, and I am willing to wait a couple years, but I just don't want to sacrifice my dream of having children by waiting for a man who may not be ready in time to have them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 9:07pm
Plenty of men father children well into old age, and certainly into their 40s and 50s. My best guy friend and his wife just had their second child. He's 52 and she's 40. Men aren't even at risk for a lowered sperm count until after 40 so don't worry at all about the time factor. You could easily wait another 3 or 4 years before deciding that he isn't serious about having children with you, and still have at least 15 good fertility years to bear children with someone else. Is there any reason for you to believe that he is just placating you about the child issue? If there is nothing substantial to back your fear, then chances are he is sincere and just isn't quite ready yet. My advice to you is to stop bringing up the baby issue. Either trust him and give him the time he needs without nagging him (that will do you no good and damage your relationship), or face the fact that you don't trust his word and leave. You shouldn't be selecting a man to be your husband or the father of your children if you don't think he is a man of his word.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 11:43pm
Thank you for your honest advice. There have been times when I have felt that he might be telling me that he wants to have children someday just to humor me or keep me around or something. But maybe you are right. I should probably just give it some more time. I don't really nag him about it. It sort of just comes up in conversation once in a while. But I will try to be patient and maybe things will work out. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 7:02am
WHOA!!!!!!!! Get a grip on yourself, and do it NOW. A child is NOT a gift you give to yourself. A child is a gift you give to the world. By that I mean that if your primary reason for having a child is to fulfill you "maternal instinct" you are doing yourself AND the child a disservice. If, in addition to this, the man you have chosen to be the father of your children is not ready to have them yet, making a decision to get pregnant anyway would be an extremely selfish and foolish thing to do.

You may "act" and "look" like you are married, but you are NOT. There's an enormous difference, particularly when it comes to having a family.

Every child needs and deserves two parents who want him and are committed to him as well as each other. Oh, I know, not all kids have that, even if their parents are married. That's true, but it isn't a good thing. And why would any prospective mother want to ENSURE that her child WOULDN'T have that advantage?

It may not be true in your case, but my experience has been that many women have children to fill their own need for love and affection (I was a family social worker for 20 years). The problem with that is that the focus needs to be on the CHILD, not the Mom. Holding, kissing, dressing, feeding, playing with a new little baby can feel wonderful - but that's the TINIEST part of what having children should be about. What it really takes is a great deal of planning - for his/her intellectual growth, which starts in infancy, by providing appropriate stimulation through nutrition, interaction and play, and later by augmenting the school experience in as many ways as possible; for his/her emotional growth, by providing a safe, calm and nurturing family life for him/her to observe and learn from; by sound financial planning for his/her education; and a million other plans to make sure he/she has every affordable advantage (much of what I have suggested is affordable to anyone with creative planning and a committment to researching resources).

This is how you "make a better life" for your child(ren). It's a difficult and time consuming job - but it has wonderful rewards. However, it is also why it is best to have a partner to help you.

Please don't risk your child's future by jumping the gun. At best, your b/f isn't ready, and you need to accept that for your child's sake. At worst, he DOESN'T intend to marry you, or isn't sure yet. At least wait until he makes THAT committment to you. Your baby deserves that much doesn't she?

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 11:04pm
You "deal with it" by maturely NOT having a baby until you're in a stable COMMITTED relationship (why aren't you married or engaged?) and having the baby is something that BOTH parents desire and are emotionally and financially prepared for.

Mac

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 2:44pm
So, you got together with this guy when you were 16 and he was 29? You should try to enjoy your youth a little before jumping into having children. You have so much time to be a parent. You will find that a person does quite a bit of changing and growing between 20 and 25. If you wait a few more years it will only mean that you will have more maturity and real-life experience to offer your child. I am not sure why a 29 year old would want to get into a relationship with a 16 year old kid (that's illegal in most states) but I suppose that is a different conversation. If the guy wanted to be with a girl who was ready to have a family, he probably would have wanted to be with a girl closer to his own age. Most men who get into a relationship with a girl that is so much younger than they are, do so because they don't want to deal with things such as pressure to have children.