Difficult situation with wife
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| Wed, 05-31-2006 - 12:58pm |
Hi, I am going to try to make a long story short, but forgive me if it draws out a little bit.
After 18 years of marriage with my wife, we are at the point where it might end. For the most part, we have been happy except for one primary cause. She is an emotionally needy person. She requires constant attention (high maintenance). A lot of this stems from her childhood where she and her sister were pretty much abandoned by their father first, then once they reached their teens, their mother. My wife's search for love and attention caused her to be promiscuous, beleiving that she could get somebody to love her through that (which we all know is false).
When we met, we had a whirlwind type romance and fell for each other, then soon after married. Along came kids and everything else that goes with marriage. Over the years it has pained her that I have not shown the attention to her that I did when "courting". Now I have always treated her very well and try to always remember to show some kind of affection to her daily and to tell her often that I love her, etc., but she seems to think our marriage should always be like it was when we were dating. We used to stay up until 3am often those days talking (and other things), but she didn't work those days and could sleep until whenever, but I had a professional job and had to sneak away somewhere to take a nap because I was getting exhausted.
Over the last 6 or 7 years things have taken a turn for the worse. Whenever things get busy and attention fades just a little bit, her reaction becomes more severe. Accusations of affairs, yelling and screaming, throwing things. If she could gently nudge me that things are lacking, I would happily give her what she needs, but instead she says that I don't love her because if I did, meeting her emotional needs would be automatic. I cannot even get a word in edgewise during these times and have learned to just shut up, but resentment just builds inside me, and naturally makes it more difficult to give her the attention that she needs because I feel like I am being manipulated.
Here about 3 or 4 days ago, she said she didn't want to be married if I was going to be this way. Things I thought were fine, then whammo, she was livid at me and hit me with this. I didn't want to argue so I walked out the room to cool off, then she went nuts and started hitting herself in the face and stuff. She took off her wedding ring, which remains on the nightstand. No further talk of divorce has been mentioned, and we are civil to each other.
My question to anybody is - does it appear to anybody that a woman like this can be ever satisfied with attention short of quitting my business and trying to recreate our honeymoon? She is quite beauty, but at 35 she has been getting really down about wrinkles, and excessive weight, and things like that. If I try to tough this out, will it just be a continued marriage of pain? I hate hurting her, but I don't know how I can ever meet her needs, as it seems like her needs are far more than one person can meet. She says I am a great husband outside of this area.
Also, she will absolutely never consider counseling. She thinks it is all hogwash.
All comments will be appreciated. Thank you.

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Well, if she won't consider counseling then she won't be able to overcome her past and get better. It's not normal to start hitting yourself when someone leaves the room. She has some serious issues that need serious help. But since she won't go....
The option you have is to go by yourself. You can be given coping strategies, be able to vent and keep the resentment at a minimum, etc. You can make yourself better and that will improve your marriage, whether or not your wife changes. It won't make it perfect but things will be different. I have a feeling that your wife is pushing because she "knows" you will leave and if she pushes harder she can either 1)get it over with quicker or 2)prove to herself that she can be loved even if she's rotten because you won't leave. It could be a test.
Anyway, I really suggest you go to counseling all on your own. It will really help you out. After you've been in it for awhile, you can focus on whether or not you want to be married to her or not. But there is a lot of crap to get through first before you can be in place to make that decision rationally. IMO.
Jen
groovinguy,
Your wife's behaviour is very common in people who were abandoned by their parents during their childhoods. You thought you were marrying a "woman" and she was marrying you to replace her daddy. She is not being your woman.
I'm probably going to get flogged for this....:) But for right now my only suggestion would be to get her the book "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr. Laura. It will help her see what she is doing in trying to make you her daddy that she never had.
If she bulks at reading it you could try suggesting you read it together, or maybe you read it first infront of her to spike her interest or you tell her "this is for our marriage, please do this for us".
Other then that, if nothing seems to work you are going to have to make a choice. Life's too short though to be stuck with someone so disrespectful.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Hey Defleppard,
Thanks for the reply. You are right, life is very short. I've thought about what you said in the first paragraph a lot. I think she is looking to me to fill all the different voids in her life. I always feel the expectations are looming over me. I get jealous when my friends just relax and have fun with their wives, or girlfriends, and let what happens happen. Being married to such a needy person is like having a huge ball and chain strapped to me. Makes me want to go back to drinking. ; )
groovinguy,
Glad I could bring in some light. To take it even further, I think that her hitting herself and screaming episodes are there just to try to get your attention. She's still stuck back in her childhood and she thinks that if she would have done those things to her father maybe he would have stayed around. Do you feel that you have to baby her alot of the time??
She could be trying to push you away, but I don't think that's the case. When people have been abandoned by their parents they know how much it hurts and usually won't do it to partners later in life. I think she just is acting out because she never really had the chance to grow up with someone there for her. She goes back to being a kid and throws tantrums.
A big problem that she is going to have to face IF she wants to get better is her reaction of going from -how ever old she is- to 8 years old (or whenever her dad left her) everytime she feels insecure or like she's loosing control of a situation. She's going to have to be the one to tell herself...."I'm not 8 anymore, I'm XXX and an adult with a husband and I need to step up and be his wife not a daughter." It's a hard pill to swollow and if she doesn't want too then there's nothing you can do.
I know what those expectations you feel are. Not by personal experience just from listening. You feel like a father too her, always giving and never recieving. Always feeling like you are the rock for her to loose it and hide under.
I'm assuming here, but let me just throw it out there to see if I hit on something. I would assume that because of everything you are describing that your sex life with her isn't very good. Am I right?? Incase I am a good reason why because she wants to have you as a father replacement, in that, those intiment feelings of desire and lust aren't always there. You know why?? Because daughter's don't do that with their fathers. If I'm off just ignore this paragraph. :)
I know that many people don't like Dr. Laura, but everything that I've given you today has come from me listening to her show. She talks about that book alot too and my friend got it and said it helped keep her marriage together so that's why I suggested it. Even if your wife never reads it, maybe you should still so that you can get a better idea of what she's going through and maybe how you can react to her so help get her to change a bit.
Your going to have to make a big choice here and staying is going to be alot of work. Good luck in coming to that choice. But don't go back to drinking. There has to be one sane person working for the greater good. :)
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Edited 5/31/2006 7:46 pm ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Oh boy BTDT several similarities. In my case she (now X) had childhood issues, although not father abandoning and she is Borderline. A key symptom is this over the top emotional abuse and unpredictability...very very emotionally needy and needing control. You might also try "Stop Walking on Egg Shells." If she is Borderline and it sounds like there is a possibility of this, this book will resonate immediately in the vivd descriptions of how she acts/reacts. It also will give you an idea what you are up against in terms of making improvements in your life.
Good luck, I truly feel for you, P.
Welcome to the board, Groovinguy ~
I have to say that I agree with what you've been told, as well as what you already knew when you came here - that your wife's abandonment issues are what's at the core of her behavior. I also think that while you can modify what you do (remain cognizant of doing what's right and appropriate rather than reacting to her tantrums and demands) you can't change her and I doubt that anything you can do will have much of an impact on her behavior or thinking. I'm not qualified in any way to make those statements - no counseling degrees here! - but it seems quite clear that your wife has some very deep seated, serious issues and those aren't going to dissolve or be fixed in any way by you. She needs therapy, lots and lots of it, and if she refuses to go, she'll continue to wrestle with her issues for the rest of her life. It's too bad, it's a waste and it's a shame to go through life so tortured when it's so unnecessary. But, you can't make those choices for her. What you can do is make choices for yourself.
In your shoes I would probably try to "walk the straight and narrow" for a while, (making certain my actions were based on what was appropriate regardless of the reaction it would be met with) but I doubt it would be long before I'd get plenty tired of having to keep myself in check so much and I'd absolutely get tired of dealing with the ramifications of making certain my actions were as though I were in a healthy relationship. I'd get pretty fed up with childish acts like throwing things and hitting herself and pretty quickly at that. As Defleppardgal said, life's too short. It makes no sense to work so hard to keep a bad relationship alive when a healthy one would be easy. Hmmm....let's see, struggle to sustain a bad one, or breeze happily through a good one.... struggling in a bad one makes sense because.....? I would probably wind up telling her that if she didn't begin some very intense therapy I wouldn't consider staying in the marriage. But then, she's the one who says she wants a divorce, isn't she?
I have to say though, that I am a little confused, as in the beginning of your post you say that for the most part your marriage has been good. I would expect that an emotionally needy person would be needy on a daily basis, not off and on. Am I seeing her behavior as being more than it is? If her "neediness" is off and on, it would seem most likely that there's an outside cause. What happens in your relationship that brings on her "neediness attacks'?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 6/1/2006 1:38 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Here is a link on Borderline Personality Disorder, does this sound familiar?
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm
Hey Defleppardgal,
Thanks for your well thought out response. She told me she hadn't hit herself like that since she was in her early teens when her mother hurt her real bad once. I now know her issues are much worse than I previously thought. I have noticed her emotional issues over the years and how it ties to her youth. I mean, this is just one of her issues. Others include her tendency to quit things easily because of her fear of failure. Her need to control everything. Her tendency to immediately try to find someone to blame when something goes wrong (and it is never her). I spend my life biting my tongue because even if I gently suggest the things that you are speaking about, she gets very angry and defensive. Hoo-boy, I have a handful! I need to find some help for myself on coping with all this..
By the way, our sex life leaves much to be desired. I don't think the daddy issue comes into play here, but it gets pretty routine and she does not like variation or trying new things. And she thinks it is wrong for the wife to seduce her husband if she is in the mood. She feels that he needs to be able to pick up the subtle hints. And if he doesn't, watch out! A fight is right around the corner. (groan).
By the way, by your name I take it you are a Def Leppard fan? When I read your name it brought back memories of when I saw them in concert in the late 70s when I was 17 years old. I think back then the oldest band member was 21 and one guy I think was 16. They were opening up for Ted Nugent and Scorpions. I was like "Who are these guys?" They looked like a bunch of kids on stage. They were loud but unpolished, made a few mistakes on the guitars, the singer sounded a little rough, but damn they could rock. Little did I know (but could believe it) that 5 years later they would be superstars. Kind of cool seeing them when they were nobodies.
Thanks for the referral on Stop Walking on Eggshells, because that is what I do. Emotionally needy and needing control is a most fitting description of my wife. And I am getting tired of it because I am sick of thinking that there could be something seriously wrong with me causing all this.
Much appreciated!
groovetube,
Sorry to hear that you wife won't go into therapy because she needs it. Even if I was off it still looks like you got other advice on BPD so that will be helpful. Don't know what to say other then if you can see things changing then that's great if that's what you want, but if they don't then good luck to you, you're going to need it going through a divorce with a woman like that. :0 Just make sure that your choice is what is best for you.
As for my name, yep I'm probably the biggest fan you will even come in contact with. hahaha! But I'm not like pyscho about it. I get made fun of alot because to alot of people they are an "80's" band, but they are still putting out CD's (their latest one was just this May 23rd) and they still have good music. It's kind of weird because I didn't grow up in the 80's "first hand". I mean, technically I was too young, but my sister is 7 years older then me, so I sort of grew up listening to that music because of her. The funny part was it wasn't by choice back then, now that's all I have in my CD collection. Def Leppard, Motley Crew, Poision, Gun's N Roses, Scorpions, I even have Skynard, Zepplin, Pink Floyd....etc. You know when music was made by people not computers for this hip hop stuff.
I remember my first Def Leppard experience. I was 5 and my sister was 12 when Pyromania came out. She got it through a friend and I remember dancing around the house to Rock Rock Til you Drop. The only thing is when I was 5 I really didn't have the concept of lyrics. I just thought that what I thought they were saying is what they were saying. So I was dancing around singing Rock Rock Dew Drop. hahaha! Lord was I geek or what.
Anyways, good luck to you in your choice and your adventures in that choice.
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
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