Difficult situation with wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Difficult situation with wife
42
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 12:58pm

Hi, I am going to try to make a long story short, but forgive me if it draws out a little bit.

After 18 years of marriage with my wife, we are at the point where it might end. For the most part, we have been happy except for one primary cause. She is an emotionally needy person. She requires constant attention (high maintenance). A lot of this stems from her childhood where she and her sister were pretty much abandoned by their father first, then once they reached their teens, their mother. My wife's search for love and attention caused her to be promiscuous, beleiving that she could get somebody to love her through that (which we all know is false).

When we met, we had a whirlwind type romance and fell for each other, then soon after married. Along came kids and everything else that goes with marriage. Over the years it has pained her that I have not shown the attention to her that I did when "courting". Now I have always treated her very well and try to always remember to show some kind of affection to her daily and to tell her often that I love her, etc., but she seems to think our marriage should always be like it was when we were dating. We used to stay up until 3am often those days talking (and other things), but she didn't work those days and could sleep until whenever, but I had a professional job and had to sneak away somewhere to take a nap because I was getting exhausted.

Over the last 6 or 7 years things have taken a turn for the worse. Whenever things get busy and attention fades just a little bit, her reaction becomes more severe. Accusations of affairs, yelling and screaming, throwing things. If she could gently nudge me that things are lacking, I would happily give her what she needs, but instead she says that I don't love her because if I did, meeting her emotional needs would be automatic. I cannot even get a word in edgewise during these times and have learned to just shut up, but resentment just builds inside me, and naturally makes it more difficult to give her the attention that she needs because I feel like I am being manipulated.

Here about 3 or 4 days ago, she said she didn't want to be married if I was going to be this way. Things I thought were fine, then whammo, she was livid at me and hit me with this. I didn't want to argue so I walked out the room to cool off, then she went nuts and started hitting herself in the face and stuff. She took off her wedding ring, which remains on the nightstand. No further talk of divorce has been mentioned, and we are civil to each other.

My question to anybody is - does it appear to anybody that a woman like this can be ever satisfied with attention short of quitting my business and trying to recreate our honeymoon? She is quite beauty, but at 35 she has been getting really down about wrinkles, and excessive weight, and things like that. If I try to tough this out, will it just be a continued marriage of pain? I hate hurting her, but I don't know how I can ever meet her needs, as it seems like her needs are far more than one person can meet. She says I am a great husband outside of this area.

Also, she will absolutely never consider counseling. She thinks it is all hogwash.

All comments will be appreciated. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:46pm

Oops, just read through the whole thread.

If your wife truly has BPD, then you are in a no-win situation. Borderlines don't recover well because they tend to 'turn' on anyone who tells them something they don't want to hear, including the therapist, as orange has described. That Melodie Beattie book he recommended is wonderful, by the way. I'd also recommend her book Codepndent No More.

There are a lot of disrders that look similar to BPD, and her bouts os self-injury don't necessarily mean that she is BPD. She could be depressed, bipolar with dysphoric mania, etc.

If it's any consolation, it sounds like you could have been married to my sister. Her husband finally divorced her and now she has entangled another nice guy to make miesrable :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 6:58am

>> Can you give us an example of a "neediness attack" and the circumstances that surrounded it's coming on? <<

Hi there. You know this question was simple but very good in that it really made me think. In fact, I read your question over a week ago and have been mulling over it every since. The conclusion that I have come to is that most times I don't see it coming. The pattern I do recognize is that she would shut down emotionally from me,in that she will be civil, but cold as ice. Then I know an emotional explosion is coming right down the road maybe a day to a week or so later. During her cold stage, any attempts I have to warm things up are rejected. No matter how much attention I try to give her here, the stage has already been set for her to cut loose. When she finally explodes, I have to endure some pretty bad verbal tirades. I used to try to defend myself, because most of what she says is greatly axaggerated or totally untrie (you don't love me, you haven't been attracted to me in 17 years, blah, blah, blah). I hear the same old things that I hear every time. Now I just pretty much keep my mouth shut because it seems to lessen the duration of all of it. This is where I usually hear where everything wrong in our marriage is my fault one way or the other. If I try to pipe in and tell her maybe WHY I do or don't do something, I am cut off, told I am transferring the blame, and so on. All this does is cause me to get bitter, and this bitterness has grown over the years. As my bitterness grows I find myself wanting to be less intimate with her and having to force myself to do things which should be natural (like give her the amount of attention that she needs), and the cycle is set again for the next go around.

I hope this answer makes sense, because I am having a heck of a time trying to make sense of it all. Things are so random. She can be fine, then I get blindsided.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:39pm

It makes sense. She really does sound just like my sister. All I can do is agree with her and nod and try not to say much because you never know what's going to set her off. It's a terrible way to live and I'm sorry that you are suffering through this behavior.

jg

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 7:45pm

One suggestion in the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book said to make log of the "cycle."

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 6:31pm

Try the counselor idea instead of the drinking. ; )

There is nothing you can do or say that will help her with emotional neediness. She needs to be willing to admit she has a problem/issues that can be help by a professional. If can't, it will not change on its own.

I'm sorry for you and her that she is unable to admit that she has a problem and needs professional help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 6:49pm

I've been with someone that was BP.

Similarities are everywhere. Including the hypochondriac part.

One thing I have to say here is that your focus is on her. I understand too...the walking on eggshells, the realization that nothing you do matters - you'll still find yourself dealing with her anger often.

But, as another poster pointed out, you'll need to focus on yourself (with counseling) to understand better your role in this. Why do you put up with it? Why don't you speak your truth (I understand it is because it doesn't matter any more? and so many more questions about yourself, your behavior and why you've found yourself where you find yourself today. I'm not saying her behavior is your fault I'm asking you why you've put up with what you've put up with for so long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:08am

Hey, Groovinguy ~ What I'm looking for is an example of a specific incident, a blow-by-blow from start to finish, if you will. But, if I understand correctly that you're planning to divorce her, it doesn't really matter, so perhaps there's no need for you to reply at all.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 2:25pm

Hi cl,

At this point, I have no specific plan for divorce, but I realize that it will probably be the inevitable end. It has already impacted some of the long range plans I had for our property and future financial obligations. I may try to tough it out until our last son graduates from high school in a few years. I am pro-marriage and he has felt that our relationship has been stable, and I don't want this to tarnish his views.

>> What I'm looking for is an example of a specific incident, a blow-by-blow from start to finish <<

The only incidents I can give you that level of detail are relatively recent, and they have become so bad that I don't feel comfortable posting them on a public forum. She has some current medical problems that has put her into a very depressive state, and I don't know if this is an extension of BP or something that needs to be dealed with separately, but the depression has aggravated her BP behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 2:30pm

Hi Lied2,

I bet there is a story behind your name!

>> She needs to be willing to admit she has a problem/issues that can be help by a professional. <<

There is no way, no how, she will ever sit and talk to a therapist for the year+ needed to treat this problem. She is rabidly against psycho-therapy. This, of course, poses a major problem for me, because I am forced to make a life decision that is never easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 3:40pm

Hey Lied2,

>> I'm not saying her behavior is your fault I'm asking you why you've put up with what you've put up with for so long? <<

Hmmm... that the $10K question. It probably has something to do with my conservative view of marriage and the vows "for better or for worse" and so on. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and he was really bad with drinking and very uninvolved. My mother put up with a lot, but there was lots of fights. When I was 14 he quit for good and I thought my parents would live happily ever after. Well, they are still together, but never been happy even with him not drinking anymore. Serious damage occurs in a marriage that has taken a beating with alcoholism, BP, abuse, etc., and even if one or both seek treatment and get over it, there are many emotional scars. This is the way I feel about this BP thing now. Even if she sought treatment and brings it under control, does that automatically make our relationship OK? Probably not. She hasn't been this bad all during our 17 years together.

The first years were pretty rocky, but we were pretty young and that is not surprising (but when I think back, she exhibited lots of symptoms back then too). The middle years were better. We had little kids, plenty of friends and activities. Now that the kids are older and doing their own thing in recent years and we are spending more time together, the BP symptoms are everywhere. One point of strife we has always had is her back seat driving. She is the worst EVER. I used to get so mad at her. She insisted on pointing where to drive in a cotton-pickin parking lot and what spot to park in. She critices my driving even though I have a spotless driving record. Now I realize it is her need to control.

I have to admit, before discovering all this BP stuff, I started wondering if I wasn't the one with the real problems. Maybe all she was saying about me was true and I was merely deluded thinking that I was being a good husband. Friends I have had ran around on their wives, don't participate in their kids lives, don't help around the house, have bad habits, are couch potatoes, let themselves go phuscially, demean their wives, etc. I didn't do any of these and gave her plenty of freedom to do the stuff she wanted to do in life. Yet no matter what, it always fell short. It really starts messing with your mind.

So, it has been one of my best decisions to start this discussion. It has been very helpful and has changed my life.