division of housework

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
division of housework
13
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 7:36pm
Hi everyone,
I have a question for all of you. How do you decide to share housework with your spouse? My husband and I have always had spats regarding housework. We were getting along beautifully the last few months, but in the last month we've had a spat every week regarding housework. Here is my side of the story: I feel that I have to take the lead regarding everything domestic. I have to tell him what to do and then it gets done. That too, sometimes days after I tell him. If I dont tell him the chore will never get done. For instance taking out the trash. It's his chore and unless I remind him every week he wont take it out. If I ask him to clean the bathroom he will do a light superficial job of it, without really cleaning it. He doesnt clean unless I ask him nicely. I hesitate to ask him because I am afraid of being shot down. I think that he looks for excuses not to clean.. and I give up and do it on my own because I'm afraid of fighting about it. This weekend we fought over cleaning the kitchen. I asked him to clean the kitchen before we left for christmas so that we'd be able to come home to a clean house. I had already cleaned the rest of the house. He refused to do it. The day before he left he said that he's "feeling lazy" so maybe he would clean it after we came back. I didnt say much.. just hesitantly said okay. We were having a really nice time together, so I think that I didnt want to rock the boat. The day we were leaving not only was the stove and the floor a mess, but in making breakfast he had messed up all the countertops and other parts of the kitchen. It just mad me see red and I started telling him how frustrated I was about the cleaning situation and that I'm always doing the cleaning blah blah....
My husband was quiet at first and then he also lost his temper and started YELLING at me.. I wasnt even angry, just really frustrated and he actually started raising his voice at me, telling to stop "nagging". Anyway it became this huge blown out fight where I said that I wouldnt get on the plane (which left within three hours of this fight) unless he said that he wouldnt raise his voice at me ever again. He reluctantly promised.. He was trying to twist it around saying that I 'provoke' him to raise his voice. I told him that he could walk away if he thought that I was provoking him to lose his temper, but I wouldnt tolerate yelling.
I am still really upset over the whole situation. His side of the story is this : he feels that he DOES actually do his share of the housework (I assure you that he doesnt... he washes dishes maybe 2 times a week for every 5 times I was them.. he never cleans.. he just doesnt like doing housework) and he actually BELIEVES that he does AS MUCh as I do.. which is complete *@&^#* to me... it's a load of crap. He has an awfully selective memory and since he actually believes that he does as much as I do, he thinks that I am extremely difficult to please and quite picky. Oh.. and he thinks I "order" him around.. the point is that unless I order him around nothing ever gets done.. I tell him as nicely as I can, but even that is apparently "ordering".!!
Anyway, I just dont know what to do. Earlier on in the semester he cooked quite a bit and I was doing all the dishes without expecting him to pitch in. So we got along.. it seems that whenever I expect something from him it turns into a fight.
How do we fix this? We wont agree on who does how much of the housework... so do I just have to accept that this is the way it is going to be, and resign myself to do doing 70% of the housework?
How can we communicate better? Please dont tell us to go to couples counselling.. I dont have time. I'd rather just do everything myself! We get along really well otherwise.. we do have small issues that we are each defensive about, but otherwise we are best friends, and have a really wonderful relationship, good sex.. and just everything you'd want in a happy marriage. it's just the cleaning thing that we fight regularly about.. oh that and his sister, when she pulls one of her stunts (but these fights are very very rare these days).
thanks so much for reading the novel and you all do know how much I welcome and appreciate your advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:33pm
Yes, I agree with you. I think that I am coming to the same realization. I will just have to take this in my stride. He is laid back in most aspects of life, and that is a quality I actually value and am thankful for because it makes our marriage easy. So I guess that if he's laid back wrt housework then I shouldn't complain, right!
Thanks for writing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 1:11pm

"You can do it!"

LOL.. thanks cl. We have devised some sort of new system, so let's see how it goes. He is well aware of my discomfort with dirty stuff, and I am well aware of his need to do it in his own time. Hopefully we can make it a habit to not complain about this, and reach an equilibrium.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 3:21pm
Let us know how it goes!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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