Divorce
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Divorce
| Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:17pm |
I was wondering if anyone here knows how to help someone get through a divorce. My DH & I has a couple that we are friends with named Jay & Christy. They have 3 great kids too. Well,Christy up & left Jay on Father's Day. They had promblems, but they weren't unfixable. I think that all the stress they had going on. they never set down to communicate, & there marriage just went down heel & she held it all in & has now blown up. She is very numb & cold right now towards everyone! And she wants nothing to do with working things out with Jay.
Jay is hurting so bad right now! We are letting him move in with us so he wont be alone.
How am I supposed to help him get through this? He has 3 kids that he needs to be strong for right now as well. When he gets around them he breaks down in tears which makes the kids upset. I have been talking to him alot, but he cant stop going over & over in his head why she left him & how he can fix it. But she wants NOTHING to do with him.
Between us I think that she is with another man! Jay also thinks she is but I keep telling him that I know shes not cause first off there is no hard core evidence that she is in a relationship with this other man & 2nd I think he would hurt the other guy cause he is so angry right now & wants to blame someone for her leaving.
What can I do or say to help him get out of this? I understand that it wont go right away & he is going to hurt for awhile. But he is getting alittle out of hand. I have my own family to worry about with our own set of problems to deal with. I have no problem helping him but its making it to where I have had no time with my own family.
If you have any answers that would be great!!!!!!
Thanks.....
Jay is hurting so bad right now! We are letting him move in with us so he wont be alone.
How am I supposed to help him get through this? He has 3 kids that he needs to be strong for right now as well. When he gets around them he breaks down in tears which makes the kids upset. I have been talking to him alot, but he cant stop going over & over in his head why she left him & how he can fix it. But she wants NOTHING to do with him.
Between us I think that she is with another man! Jay also thinks she is but I keep telling him that I know shes not cause first off there is no hard core evidence that she is in a relationship with this other man & 2nd I think he would hurt the other guy cause he is so angry right now & wants to blame someone for her leaving.
What can I do or say to help him get out of this? I understand that it wont go right away & he is going to hurt for awhile. But he is getting alittle out of hand. I have my own family to worry about with our own set of problems to deal with. I have no problem helping him but its making it to where I have had no time with my own family.
If you have any answers that would be great!!!!!!
Thanks.....

Welcome back, Carriebell ~
Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.
DH Problems
Attention
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
As much as you care for this guy, and want to help him, do not put your own marriage at risk. In the end he has to get himself through the divorce process in order to heal. You can not carry this huge burden, no matter how much you may want to. I don't like the idea of him living with you, but I don't know all the practicalities here...in any event I would set some boundaries up front.
Here are a few things that you can do as a "good friend" that should not overwhelm you or hurt your own marriage.
1) Help him with watching the kids if he needs to go somewhere like appointments with a psychologist, attorney's, or court dates. Invite him and his kids on some summer fun....like to the zoo, amusement park, baseball game, whatever it is you do ---activities, not whole weeklong vacations.
2) Give him a couple of books on coping with Divorce and helping kids through divorce.
3) Try to be supportive, but DO NOT try to get into the middle of his specific issues with X, when he complains and vents, listen, validate his feelings, and remind him that you care for him, but do not get into bashing the X or intricate problem solving
4) When he says things he will do to be petty or vindictive, remind him he is better than that and he should take the high road for his kids sake
5) Give him lots of private time....he needs to process this thing mentally and emotionally. Remond him of the things that he is good at or are good about him, he needs to see the failed marriage as just a situation, not a referendum on his life
6) If he goes out of control (i.e. severe depression, looks like he might lose his job, starts getting heavily involved with someone else, etc.) encourage counseling
He is lucky to have someone that is his friend. Listen and be there for him, the rest he just has to go through...it wont be easy and it wont be pretty, it is what it is.
P.
Carrie, you have so much going on in your own life right now, you can't possibly deal with anyone else's problems. You have some extremely serious problems and issues with your own marriage and your husband and you are sick. You don't have the time or energy to expend on someone else's problems when your own problems are of such huge proportion, though I do understand wanting to help, and I can also understand that focusing on someone else's problems might be a way of taking a break from your own problems for a while.
I would like you to think about one thing, you've said that Jay and Christy's problems weren't unfixable, but considering how things are in your home, I think it would be good for you to realize that unless you live in their home you have no real idea of what goes on there, how things really are or how bad things really are. I'd also suggest that while the problems may have been acceptable and workable to you, they may not have been to someone else. The only one who's opinion really counts in whether the problems are "worth leaving over" or not is the person who has to live in the situation.
In helping you deal with him, I can say that I don't think lying to him by assuring him she's not cheating (or assuring him of anything you don't know for certain) isn't helpful. You can choose not to comment on the cheating issue, you can say you don't know, but telling him she's not isn't helpful. You said he's getting hard to deal with, but didn't say in what way. Have you suggested that he contact a therapist?
What about your issues, Carrie, how are you? Have you checked into the PTSD sites and the VA info? How are things going?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"