Divorcee unusual attachment to spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-1999
Divorcee unusual attachment to spouse
6
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:54am

Hi all:


My DH, who is a fun and humorous character

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:34pm

I don't want to go against your intuition....but it sounds like to me you are being insecure and overly sensitive to the current situation. The staying out late and drinking with her in the past was a definite issue, but you seem to have not addressed it then and let it go, or if you did, you have not gotten past it and this may be creating your current sensitivities. Giving someone a hug and a kiss at a wedding, which is a very happy and emotional event is certainly not out of bounds for people that have been friends for many years. And if they are in the same sailing network of friends....her being part of his crew also sounds pretty reasonable to me. She made cookies....who cares....it is not a competition unless you turn it into one.

In any event you are upset and you do not need to talk to her, you need to talk to DH. If he knows this upsets you even if your are hyper sensitive based on some past wrongs or possible wrongs, then he should be trying to reassure you and offering solutions, not just telling you to get over it (although that may very well be the resolution).

How is your relationship with him these days aside from the Jan issue....does he usually listen, and show concern for your feelings...is he invested emotionally with you in his words and actions? Depending on how you answer these questions it may indicate whether this is mostly just your insecurity or if he might really be up to something (which could be the intuition part of this).

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 5:23am

I'm not really sure about this situation at all. You call her relationship with your husband as "unusual attachment", but I don't see any unusual attachment, especially since their friendship predates his relationship with you. I can understand how you'd feel a little threatened that she and he share an interest and that this interest is in something you're not good at. You can't compete with that, and even if you don't want to *compete*, you can't perform at the same level, which puts you in the lessor position. I agree with Orangecuse that there's nothing wrong with a kiss and a hug at a wedding, my husband gets kisses and hugs from female friends when there is no wedding and it doesn't bother me, but then I'm not concerned about it, whereas you are. I agree that staying out until midnight (perhaps with her? Not sure you ever had confirmation, did you ask? If you didn't I assume it was something you weren't ready to hear the answer to) is inappropriate, but I have to admit that I've done the same with a male friend. I guess some of how I'd feel about this is his actions, reactions and behavior. Has his behavior or attention to her changed over the years?


You indicate that it's not so much your husband as it is Jan's attention. You say you wouldn't be concerned if Jan had a partner, but I ask you, if her relationship with your husband is years long, why do you think her feelings/friendship with him would change based on her relationship status? If your saying these same actions of hers wouldn't be a concern to you if she were involved with someone, then I have to think her actions aren't really the concern here.


By continuing to request that he not include his long time friend you're continuing to put a wedge between your husband and yourself. You are looking like the bad guy. The bottom line is that this woman is your husband's friend. You have no right to tell him who he can an cannot be friends with. You can ask him how he'd feel if you had a male friend that you were involved with as he is involved with Jan. If he says he'd have a problem with that, then you have a starting place to talk and set some ground rules. Your husband should keep his friendship with her open and above-board, making you aware of contact (though you haven't indicated there's anything going on you're not made aware of). The bottom line with friends is, you're each responsible for choosing your own friend, not each other's friends. You can't pick his friends and you don't have the right to tell him to stop seeing her. You do have the right to dislike it enough that it's a dealbreaker for you. But, again, if this is a friendship that predates you, I assume he's been seeing her all along, throughout his time with you, is that correct? As far as her not being on the crew goes, I assume the "crew" consists of more than two people? If so, what's the concern about her being on the team, it's not like they'll be alone.

You've made accusations and have been labeled as jealous. I suggest to you that further accusations will only put Jan in a better light (the innocent victim) and you in the villain role. I would suggest for starters you take a new approach. Stop badmouthing Jan and do everything in your power to keep your mood, facial expression and body language in check when around her. Otherwise your husband will read your dislike whether you verbalize it or not. Instead of steaming and stewing when Jan gets involved, make yourself part of the mix too. Instead of being territorial when she declared she was making cookies for the crew you should have stepped right up and genuinely thanked her, telling her how nice that was of her to do for the crew. By thanking her for her offer, you're making yourself a part of the crew, subtly declaring you and your husband as a team. You're also sending her the message that this isn't a competition and you aren't threatened by her. Let her slave making cookies. Great for you all and no work for you, what's to complain?

You ask how to handle this obnoxious woman, but I've not read anything that sound obnoxious to me. You ask why do woman do this to other women, I'm not sure she's doing anything to you. More information could change my thinking, but at this point it sounds like this woman has been friends with your husband for a very long time, if that's so, I'd say she's not doing anything to you, but is having a friendship with your husband.

I'm hoping you'll repost with more information, my position on this could change. I'm wondering about your relationship with Jan throughout these years, have you ever been friends with her? Has his friendship with her changed?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 7:46am

I think you need to remember than Jan can't do anything your husband doesn't give her leave to do, so your issue isn't with Jan, it's with your husband: it's just easier to focus on Jan because you're not married and emotionally invested in her as you are with him.


When she offered the cookies, I would have order 30 dozen so the next time, she'd keep the bright idea to herself.


Female friends of one's DH/DBF whose presence in his life came before he knew you can be a tricky road to traverse--however, the less you focus on her and less energy you devote to her, the smaller she will become in the grand scheme of things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-1999
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 5:26pm

Well, hmmm .. I guess it's hard to explain, or for readers to see why I'm not too keen on Jan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 6:18pm

It really is hard to judge a situation where we don't know anyone and where we have to guess at personalities, motives, and the whole story. We can take you 100% at your word but if it's not reality, our advice won't help you.

It sounds like you would not have a problem with Jan IF your H didn't have the drinking issue. That even though she might still act the same, the threat of it all wouldn't be the same for you. You are right, you don't need ANYONE encouraging your H to drink, male or female. I think you are worried that her encouraging him to drink is a way to get him in the sack with her. The issue still comes back to your H having a drinking problem. If he didn't drink like he does, then these wouldn't be as big of issues.

I believe that there is something there. I just think the problem is that your H doesn't have the right boundaries. Who cares what this woman does as long as you are firm in the belief that your H will always choose you?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 10:11pm

Sorry to be so late with a response, I was away for the weekend.


In your original post you didn't mention a drinking problem or concerns over Jan targeting him to be her drinking buddy (enabler) at all. You mentioned one incident that perhaps was the two of them drinking after hours, but seemed to indicate it was a one-time thing and that you weren't entirely sure he was with her at all. Otherwise, no mention of alcohol concerns. Since you've said that you don't expect your husband to drop Jan, it sounds like what you really want is for her to stop looking for him as a drinking partner, but correct me if I've misunderstood.


I know you're going to hate what I'm going to say, but it's the truth. You said, "My husband has a drinking problem, especially in social situations. He hardly drinks at home, choosing water over booze. I wouldn't classify him as an alcoholic, but I'm sure someone from AA would. When I drink, I have some "switch" that says, Ok, no more, had enough. My husband severely lacks this switch especially in social situations." What you have described is what is called a functioning alcoholic. My ex-husband was one too. He never - and I mean never - drank at home, he never missed a day of work, he never got a DUII or any other driving citation (despite the fact that he drove drunk frequently), his employer, his co-workers and family had no idea he had a drinking problem, and yet, he was absolutely an alcoholic. You may not realize it, but your statement, "When I drink, I have some "switch" that says, Ok, no more, had enough. My husband severely lacks this switch especially in social situations." exactly describes an alcoholic, or any other addict. The definition of an addict is someone who cannot control or stop themselves once they get started, doesn't matter if it's alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, gambling or any other addiction. They cannot stop once they get started, certainly not at a reasonable place. So yes, your husband is an alcoholic, but a functioning one.


I understand how you feel about Jan, she's the instigator, she's the one who hunts him up and encourages him to drink with her. If she wasn't around he wouldn't drink, right? She's the source of your problem, she's the one who makes him drink when otherwise he would not. I totally understand, my husband had friends who were "bad for him" too. I hated them for the longest time, hated when they called, hated when they came around, hated when he was going out with them because I knew it meant he was going to wind up drunk. It took me a long time to figure this out, but his friends were not the problem, just like Jan isn't your problem. The problem was my husband and his drinking. No one could *make* him drink if he didn't want to. If he didn't want to drink, no one could persuade him too. He may have been encouraged to drink, but he could have said no. And if his friends went away, they would be replaced by others who would serve the same role for him, just like your husband would find someone else if Jan wasn't around to encourage him to drink with her. The thing is, they choose to be around these people because they do encourage them to drink, they do give them an easy excuse to drink. I don't know about your husband, but mine wouldn't spend time with people he didn't like; if his friends weren't the kind of people he wanted to be around, he'd have cut ties. I hated those friends for soooo long, I saw them as the enemy, as the problem-causers, but I was wrong. My husband, like you, me, and your husband, made his own choices and every time he said "yes" to his friends, he was making his own choice. Lord knows he'd said "no" enough times when I suggested things that I know he could easily have said no to his friends if he wanted to. He didn't want to.


There will always be someone around who is looking for a buddy that they can use to help enable their drinking. If Jan goes away, someone else will appear who's looking for a drinking buddy. Your husband's drinking decisions rest on him, as easy as it seems to blame Jan for her part in "encouraging" him to over imbibe, he's responsible for recognizing his problem and taking appropriate steps to gain control of it. AA or a treatment program would be a great start. I doubt you'd be interested, but Alanon would be a great place for you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"