Do breaks work?
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| Sat, 08-19-2006 - 3:03pm |
My boyfriend of nearly 12 years (who i've been living with for the last 2) asked me for a 1-year break from our relationship. Our relationship has been under a lot of stress in the past year due to some issues w/his family, and we're not in the best place right now, but I do know that I love him and want to be with him. We've been talking about marriage for a while, and he's even gone ring shopping...clearly that's on hold right now.
In some ways, I understand his request. Since we got together in the middle of high school, neither one of us really experienced dating. We stayed together through college and did the long distance thing. Then, I moved to NYC while he stayed at home w/his family in Long Island. He started a company after college and worked out of his parents house. A few years later, we moved in together. While he was living at home, I was enjoying city life w/my friends. He says that he really values the fact that we have never slept w/anyone else and doesn't want to jeopardize that gift.
He asked for a year thinking that he won't be able to bear that much time w/out me, and says he just wants try to get our magic back...and believes that if we both try dating a little that we'll have a better appreciation for each other and what we have since we've been taking each other for granted lately. He wants to continue talking to me & seeing me during this time, but wants to feel like he has a choice in the matter rather than feeling obligated to do so as "the boyfriend." He also loves traveling and has passed up trips because he felt guilty about leaving me home alone, so he wants to have the freedom to go places I'm not interested in. Another factor is that a few of his friends just moved to NY, so he's been wanting to spend more time w/them, which takes time away from us.
I don't know what to do! Until last week, I was sure he was the one for me. The idea of him kissing other women makes my skin crawl, and I don't know if I could get back w/him knowing he's had relationships w/others! He's a GREAT guy and there's no question in my mind that I love him. Do breaks work? Should I cut off all ties? See if he's willing for me to just move out to give him space? Where do i go from here?

I think you either fix the issues in the relationship WHILE you're in it, or you end it. I can MAYBE see a short break of a week or two, but a YEAR? That isn't a break, IMO. That's him wanting to break up but without the guilt of doing so.
Why doesn't he just GO on the trips he wants to go on, or go visit his friends, without you? If you get back together after the break, is he really going to give up something he loves doing?
Don't put yourself into that limbo--either fix it, or end it. You could always end up getting back together a couple years down the road (I know couples who have done this and gotten married, but they broke up, they didn't take a break), but if you don't, you won't have spent a year in painful limbo for nothing, you will at least have started the healing and moving on process.
Sheri
A break like he's suggested is so NOT going to work. He wants each of you to date others but still communicate on a regular basis? Recipe for jealousy and bitterness.
He says he values that you've each slept with nobody else, yet he wants to date? Isn't this a contradiction in terms? It's only a matter of time before one of you does sleep with someone you're dating. Let's face it, we're talking a year - not a few weeks.
And he thinks that dating will make you both appreciate each other more....what if one of you finds a better partner out there? The grass sometimes IS greener.
Anyway, I totally agree with Sheri. It's not fair to have to put your life on hold for a year. Either fix the problems while still in the relationship or end it.
He is looking for a way to get out without confrontation....and if he can figure out how to get you to still keep having sex without the past obligations, until he finds someone else then even better....he may say now this won't be part of it but trust me if you guys have been having regular sex, give him about a week into the breakup and suddenly this will be part of the conversation (ooops we weren't supposed to do that during our breakup), unless he has already found someone else.
I guess in the end you can't force him to love you and want to be with you so if he wants to do other things then he should go do other things. My biggest concern is that you will just wait and hold on to hope and not move on. Take a little time to yourself to process this breakup and then move on....do not tell yourself that he loves you and will come back to you....or that you can win him back....that is unfortunately fantasy and not reality and will hurt a lot worse for a lot longer than just breaking up and moving on.
Good luck, P.
How old are you two? Since you've been together for twelve years and are each other's firsts, I suspect you've been together since you were teenagers. If that's the case, I'd say it's very wise for both of you to experience other people, you've both changed a lot since you were teens and really have no idea if your relationship is as great as you think it is, you have no other adult relationship to compare it to. I'd suggest breaking up, but with no strings attached; if you both find your relationship is best there's no reason you won't get back together someday, if not, strings won't help. But, if he wants to go out and test the waters, he needs to do it all by himself, no safety net, that's bull, IMO.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"