do i have to much faith in my gf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
do i have to much faith in my gf?
3
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:42pm
This is my second time on ivillage. The last time I was asking advice about my last ex about 2 years ago. It turned our you guys were right the last time, so I'll probably take your advice a lt more into consideration this time.

April will make 8 months that I've been together with my current gf. If I could use one word to describe our relationship it would be "intense". Unlike any of my relationships b4 this one started out without any intentions on my part to be other than friends. I guess althought it was a year and a half since my last breakup I didn't feel good about "relationship" in general. I met my current gf (Terri) online and we talk mostly about everything including each other. For months b4 I woke up one day and she wasn't online for that dy if i remember right and I realised I was longing for her more than a friend. (we both work online). When I expressed to her what I felt she reciprocated the same thing. Still, we didn't talk about it to much but just keep growing till eventually the feeling were to great to hide by either of us.

I'm sure by now some of you might be saying (oh no an online relationship). Well, I would have also, but I wasn't in search of this love.. it happened like a beautiful act of destiny. Not to mention for the first 4 months of our interaction I (23) was almost bed ridden due to a severe accident (drunk driver hit me head on). She only had photos of what I look before the accident and since I did get a bad scar, loose two front teeth and broke various bones... I told her ALL of this very early annd in graphic terms. This is all part of why I never expected her to have any more feelings than friends for a brokenup guy. When she did it proved to me a lot about her character and when I finally sent her my photos she realise I made it worst than I was (not intentionally).

Afterwhich, we grew and after meeting for a few days in Miami in March we are to the point were now we are in a commited relationship. I can truly say that we havn't rush anything given the distance.. I live in the Caribbean and see in the US.

THE PROBLEM:

Simply stated she lives with her EX. Now it was hidden from me till shortly after she return from Miami I obtained her apt tel number via her mom cause I was dieing to talk to her and when I called he answered as "her bf". I nearly broke up with her over this as I went through almost the sae thing with last ex and I didn't want to be gullable again. Yet, she and her best friend convinced me that it was pltonic... she also said she hid it because she was scared and also that he is violent and has hit her b4. (voilet I belive because during my phone call with him he threated to find me where ever I was and cut me up lol). Anyway, after considering how the guy acted I did add up that she was scared to death of him. Yet, I told her she need to et him out of her apt, which she agreed but was scared of handling without upseting him, anyway with my help and advice she told him he had to go since according to her they were not having a relationship but her still loved her "obsesively" as in mentally disturbed obsessive. Yet, she told me she got him to talk rationally and he agreed to leave at the end of this month with was about 30 days from when she spoke with him.

MY PROBLEM:

My problem is... why does she have to hide now that I'm her gf if she told him 3 weeks ago about me and said he even ask why she loves me and other questions. I'm still told not to call her apartment or he will get upset and posibly violent. Even at this point I have just about total faith in her, I'm posting here because I want to know if i'm to trusting s in the last relationship this VERY same things of my gf have to hide me from so called ex happened. In that case he wasn't an ex. What about this case do you think the guy is psyco? Do you think it's platonic? Do you think maybe she's in so deep with a crazy guy that she was affried to tell me because she may think I would leave her? Am I to trusting?

I've tried to give u a full picture.. feel free to ask for more if nessary.

thanks in advance,

hayden


Edited 3/28/2003 9:41:04 PM ET by misterhayden

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:01pm
sorry man, she's playing you like a fool. You already knew that though didn't you? If she truly wasn't she's spineless and a little disturbed herself. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:41pm
First of all, I have a question...did she already live with her ex before you two got together? Either way...I think you are being a little too trusting, but at least you have trust in her enough and not to expect anything else. But in my opinion, I don't think it is even right for her to be living with her ex especially all that violent stuff she has told you about. I would at least try to find a roommate or something in the meantime. I don't think it is right for her to being living with her ex and isn't healthy. You can't really put a 100% into each other after her past ex gets out of her life for good. I think if she cares for you enough she would understand where you are coming from and do anything to get out of that environment she now lives in. You should really sit down and think if this is what you want and if you love her enough and if she loves you enough? You should definetly re-evaluate the relationship you are in. My sister lives with her ex and he has been violent to her and he has already moved out. I can see the situation you are coming from, and I think, in my opinion, you really need to think about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 7:01pm
This is no simple problem, there are many aspects and unfortunately, none of them good.

I didn't think "oh no, another online relationship", but one very important caution about online relationhships - and one that's been proven here - is that while you *think* you know the person on the other end, you really don't. What you know is what she's chosen to tell you and what she'd chosent to present as her real life, real feelings, beliefs, etc. Is she telling you how she really believe, behaves, etc. or is she agreeing with you, telling you what she thinks you want to hear, OR is she presenting herself as she wishes she were, we all have an ideal of what we'd be if we were *perfect*, it would be pretty easy to present yourself as who you'd like to be. You may be in love, but you're in love with who you think she is, whether or not she really is that person you don't know. Truly knowing someone can only be accomplished by spending real time together face to face. It takes a year or more to see someone in enough different situations to get a good idea of who they are, what they believe and how they react. Bear in mind the first several months (at least) are spent on your best behavior, trying to impress each other; it's only after that period passes (the honeymoon stage) that you get down to the real deal. She's already proven to have lied about her living situation, not a good sign. You can make excuses for her if you like, but the fact speaks for itself and says something about her character that can't be denied. Add that to the fact that you don't really know who she is and it doesn't speak well for the future. The fact that even after she's purposely presented her situation incorrectly to you you say you have "just about total faith in her" says you're not being realistic and aren't paying attention to important facts. You're not showing good self protection skills.

It's pretty clear that whether she thinks she's in a platonic relationship or not, her ex doesn't share the same view of their relationship. If he did he wouldn't have presented himself as her bf and wouldn't have threatened you. I'll be very surprised if he moves out at the end of the month also. She may tell you he did, but since she's already lied about the relationship, how can you believe what she tells you about it from here on out?

Violence in their relationship -- that's entirely possible, she may be afraid of him, he may control her and she may be afraid to cross him for fear of physical injury. She wasn't enough afraid of him to sneak away to meet you. If he's violent, that means she knew he could find out about the meeting, which would put her in danger. So, how much fear does she really have? She also wasn't so afraid that she was concerned about putting you in danger too. That says volumes as well. What do you want to bet she's telling her 'platonic friend' that you are 'just a friend'?

All in all, I'd say you've gotten yourself involved in a mess. You're 'in love' with someone you don't know, who's lied to you and will continue to do so. If she really wanted out of her living situation, she seems to have plenty of support to help her. I'm sure her mom and/or her friend would give her temporary shelter or help her find sheleter or support services. I suggest you tell her if she really wants this guy out to talk to the police about her options (assuming she's in a lease situation), she may be able to have him escorted out by court order. She can certainlyh get a restraining order if she needs to keep herself safe from this guy, there are also women's shelters she could go to if she has no other option. What it sounds like to me is she's hanging with this guy until she finds something better and you're looking pretty good at this point.

Even if this is a straight case of an abused woman (very questionable based on the fact she was willing to meet you, nevermind the fact that she was willing to take the chance of having an online relationship discovered), jumping from one relationship to another is the last thing she needs. She needs to get completely away from her abuser, spend time healing herself emotionally before she'll be ready for any kind of relationship. Likewise, trying to have a relationship with someone who's confused and damaged by an abusive relationship will result in your being in a dysfunctional relationship that will only serve to damage you emotionally. Frankly, women in abusive relationships typically aren't looking for another man -- it's the farthest thing from their mind. They want to get AWAY and be safe, not jump back into another unknown, potentially dangerous situation. IF her abuse is legitmate, her actions say she's nowhere close to healing or having a clue what a healthy relationship is. She's not showing healthy self protection skills either.

In other words, any way you slice it, this situation is bad, bad, bad.

cl-2nd_life








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