do i let him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
do i let him?
17
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 5:45am
I'm 25 and my bf is 21 and weve been going out for 3 and a half years now. Neither of us had been out with anyone before. We have a great relationship and lots in common. We can both see us staying forgether for a long time and are both heading along the same career path and see ourselves working together etc.. tons of potential in every respect. However... Our sex life isnt great in that it look us ages to finally do it and when we did it wasn't as special as my bf in particular had hoped. Hes very attracted to me but i have a lower sex drive than him and because we dont live together at the moment we dont get a chance to see each other as much as we should. I don't think your sex life is too much of a problem but he thinks it could be a lot better so he recently told me that...He feels like because we have bever been with anyone else we are like 'the blind leading the blind' So he thinks that he should get an understanding friend or someone to have a one night stand with him so that he can learn some tips about how to do things..which will improve our sex life he thinks. Also he is troubled by the fact that he lost out on the 'one night stand' experiences that guys have when they are younger. So he wants to feel fullfilled and do it the once. he also says it will stop him from wanting to do it in the future. I can understand the fact that hes worried about only ever having sex with me and wishing he'd had sex with outher people before he met me...but I have a bad feeling that I'd get really hurt if he went off and slept with someone (telling me he was going to do it though). Hes told me he'd never cheat on me and he's honest and not like most guys. But now I feel like in a way I can't trust him and I'll worry more when he chats to girls. (Most of his mates are girls). I don't know what to do to improve our sex life and make him happier? Do I let him have a one night stand?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: kamoktee
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:18am

He is trying to be nice and make his true feelings acceptable to you. I am often amazed at what men tell women and expect them to believe.

He is not excited about the sex (he admits that) and as a result thinks maybe he better find out if there is something better out there before he sentances himself to a lifetime of unfulfilling sex. There is no way having a one night stand with "your permission" is going to help this situation -- I suspect that it would be a painful death nail to the relationship.

It is absolutely possible to make sex better if you work together on this. The question is whether he is interested in doing this with you or sowing his oats elsewhere. He is going to need to decide that for himself.

Whatever he will decide don't allow yourself to be disrespected by him by somehow "sanctioning" his unfaithfulness. He does not get to BE with you and also BE with others and that BE OK with you.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
In reply to: kamoktee
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:51am
Thats very helpful thanks. He keeps making me out to be the 'bad' one here by not being ok with his 'proposal' and understanding. so I had started thinking maybe he was right..but youve helped me see that I was right in the first place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: kamoktee
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 9:30am

There are lots of other ways to learn 'techniques', etc., to make your sex life better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
In reply to: kamoktee
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:04am
I think that hes going off the idea at present. Kind of because hes begining to see that it would be problematic to arrange, carry out etc... and with me going on about it being a bad idea hes given up on it. He definitely wants to stay with me and doesn't want another girlfriend. We are so great together but yeah the main problem is the sex. Mainly also that we both live with our parents and hes a 2 hour train journey away. I think the main problem is that we dont live together or get enough privacy to work on the sex so thats something that needs sorting. Then he'd be a lot less inclined to have a desire to sleep with someone who lives locally to him. I think hes mainly sexually frustrated because he wants to be having great sex with me etc.. but he cant. so he thinkks a one night stand would satisfy him. But I dont think it would. He'd want more.
I'm going to read some books and look online and sort out the sex part that way. He wants us to make more of an effort sex wise when I visit him as well. Practice makes perfect...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: kamoktee
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:30am
Could the two of you possibly rent a hotel room for a night or two, to get some privacy and 'practice' time?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
In reply to: kamoktee
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 11:05am
I'm going to try and find a place we can go. Its just difficult because he works a lot and its hard arranging time to meet. Actually we've just been on a weeks holiday but we were with family and in a caravan with paper thin walls! Bad luck.
I reaaly want to make the effort now. Maybe this whole thing is the incentive I needed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kamoktee
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 1:06am

I hate to say it, but I'm here to be a wet blanket. First of all, do I understand right that he suggests adding another woman to learn from, or was he suggesting a man? Betting on the woman, and if that's the case, he's done a very immature, typical boy maneuver of trying to get another woman in bed with you, fantasy time. That's a notch on the negative side.

In my opinion, if he's voicing that he regrets missing out on sexual flings with others now, he's going to continue to regret it and it will continue to be a problem. On this board, we've seen several instances where men asked for divorces after years of marriage for that very reason -- they felt they missed out on their youthful experiences, regret not having had them and leave the marriage to "gain what they missed". I would suggest you tell him that you two should take a break from your relationship so that you can both be free to meet others and have new experiences. Agree to reconnect in three months, or whatever feels right. He'll do so knowing you're having the same opportunity to meet other men as he's having with women, which is only fair, he'll have the opportunity to "get what he's missed" without either of you feeling upset or guilt about it, and some experience (I don't mean sexual) with others of the opposite sex would be extremely good for both of you. I know you're going to hate me saying this, but it's true. You've been together since you were 22 and 18. You came together at quite young, immature ages and really have no experience to base how good you are together on. I've known people who thought their relationships were "the best" for the same reason (never been with another guy or girl), but after dating others they were astounded to find that the "great" relationship they'd had was mediocre at best. It's also true that you've both changed a lot since you got together and you both have many more changes to go through before you're done.


Sorry to be so negative, but I think some time away from each other to date others is the best thing you can do to make sure your relationship is as right as you think it is. If it's right, being apart for a while to have other experiences will only make your relationship stronger, if it's not right, the time apart will prove that too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
In reply to: kamoktee
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 4:36am
Thanks for your advice. I will discuss it with him. I had considered that but the problem is that I'd be worried that it might cause him to realise that I'm really not that great a girl and leave me. Plus I really couldn't start dating other guys because I'm really shy and I don't go out socially. Before i met him (He found me and asked me out) I was desperate (not quite the right word) for a bf and tried everything (for a few years) from internet dating to joining clubs and never came close to getting a bf. (This isn't because I looked desperate, just that people overlook me) Then I decided to stop looking and moved to a different uni. I just concentrated on settling in and making friends. The first day he met me in class he asked me out and i said no. A few weeks later I eventually fell for him and we got together.
If we did split up temporarily I know what would happen...I'd just stay at home. I dont like pubs or clubs and all my mates live far away and are attatched.
I really can't afford to lose him. Apart from the fact that he is gorgous and a great guy, we are both aiming for a career in a certain area of art and have the same ambitons and dreams. We want to work together and form a company/studio etc. I could never find anyone with all those thingss and I'd lose my desire to struggle to find a job in that field.
Then again I guess he would as well. He'd find it very difficult to meet girls interested in talking endlessly about things like dinosaurs etc. Hmmm
Still confused now.
He did actually txt his 'proposal' to a close female friend in the hope that she might be able to find someone he could 'do it with'. (this was last week when we thought it was a good idea but they I had a think about it) And anyway, this friend of his was kind of on my side. she said it was not the way to solve things and that we hadnt given ourselves enough time to wort out the sex part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: kamoktee
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 9:07am

You make a great point 2nd_life. I agree that if his desire to have sex with others is greater than his desire to remain faithful to his girlfriend then he will choose to go this route one way or another. As long as she does not say it is OK for him to do this while they are a couple (as you suggest they take a break) I also agree. Sanctioning unfaithfulness (his plan) and your recommendation (date other people, you are young) are very different in my book.

This latest post around her feelings of desperation and that he is the only one on earth she can find to be happy with is very troubling and adds a new dimension to this conversation and actually supports the idea that they need to take a break so she can address her issues also.

In your more general characterization of men getting divorced becuase they missed their chance to "sow their oats" I think this may be more excuse and symptom than cause in many cases. For example I regret I never became a professional baseball player, and that I never asked out that girl I liked in 6th grade. I don't need to eliminate these regrets to live my life happily. I suspect that MOST men that use this excuse are not getting what they need from their current relationship (and probably not giving it either). This is a symptom and other issues are the cause. If they were getting what they need then they may occasionally feel regret but it could not rise to a level that it is consuming and worth ending a marriage over. It sounds like a good excuse to many though, is understandable (cause everyone has some feelings of regret), can be put in the category of "male" mystery (aren't all men "designed" to have sex with a lots of partners) and removes responsibility for the issue from the current parties/situtation.

I do know one couple that has been married almost 20 years, have three great kids and a happy marriage and they think it is very cool that they have never been with anyone else.

Anyways something to consider....when I hear this reason, I generally don't buy it.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
In reply to: kamoktee
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 10:57am
You’ve both given me lots to think about thanks.
When I said ‘desperate’ though, what I meant was that when I was 18 (7 years ago) I was at a uni where I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t enjoying my course and spent a lot of time online hoping to find a boyfriend or friends... It was just all part of growing up and I met a few guys and had a few crushes but now that I think back on it all I know that they were just crushes and part of growing up and finding out about love. I didn’t know what I wanted back then. I just seemed to want anyone half decent. But that was back then when I was younger and naïve. I didn’t properly date anyone but I went through all the heartache and sleepless nights.
It all changed when I started at a different uni on a course that I loved. I had more confidence, friends, experience, talent etc and I’d stopped looking for love. Our relationship started out as just friends and then evolved. There was no desperation in it at all and I even knocked him back at first.
Relationships can work between people who have only ever been with one person can’t they? I was talking to him before and he says that the main problem is that we aren’t living together. He says it feels like we only really get a chance to meet up and have sex every 6 months (its not quite that long) and all the time between is frustrating. He wants to be with me all of the time and I’m constantly on his mind. He feels that because he missed out on sleeping with others before he met me that he is the problem (with regards to sex) and that he should know how we should be doing it properly. I can understand that but I think we should work through it together with books etc. Everything in our relationship is great apart from the sex part. We were much happier when we were both at uni together.
He’s told me he’d never cheat on me. He’s just not that sort of guy. I think a lot of the whole ‘proposal’ was him being frustrated, thinking that having a one night stand would teach him stuff and make him feel better. He possibly feels like it’s the answer to gaining the experience he needs to please me and make our sex life much better.
I mentioned the ‘taking a break’ idea to him but it’s not really possible at the moment because we may be about to embark on a job that would mean us working together and a room for us to stay in together would be included in it all. If that doesn’t happen then we are just going to have to try harder to get together.

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