do i let him?
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do i let him?
| Tue, 05-23-2006 - 5:45am |
I'm 25 and my bf is 21 and weve been going out for 3 and a half years now. Neither of us had been out with anyone before. We have a great relationship and lots in common. We can both see us staying forgether for a long time and are both heading along the same career path and see ourselves working together etc.. tons of potential in every respect. However... Our sex life isnt great in that it look us ages to finally do it and when we did it wasn't as special as my bf in particular had hoped. Hes very attracted to me but i have a lower sex drive than him and because we dont live together at the moment we dont get a chance to see each other as much as we should. I don't think your sex life is too much of a problem but he thinks it could be a lot better so he recently told me that...He feels like because we have bever been with anyone else we are like 'the blind leading the blind' So he thinks that he should get an understanding friend or someone to have a one night stand with him so that he can learn some tips about how to do things..which will improve our sex life he thinks. Also he is troubled by the fact that he lost out on the 'one night stand' experiences that guys have when they are younger. So he wants to feel fullfilled and do it the once. he also says it will stop him from wanting to do it in the future. I can understand the fact that hes worried about only ever having sex with me and wishing he'd had sex with outher people before he met me...but I have a bad feeling that I'd get really hurt if he went off and slept with someone (telling me he was going to do it though). Hes told me he'd never cheat on me and he's honest and not like most guys. But now I feel like in a way I can't trust him and I'll worry more when he chats to girls. (Most of his mates are girls). I don't know what to do to improve our sex life and make him happier? Do I let him have a one night stand?

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Kam...
Your fear of being alone is going to cause you to settle for a situation that is less than acceptable on so many levels.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
kamoktee,
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Why is his opinion about the person you are so "defining" for yourself in your eyes. Basically you are saying here that you need a man, this man, in your life to be complete, whole and he is what makes you, you. That is not a way to think and live and if you go through life with this attitude you will never be happy. You will always be insecure and you will make any man that is in your life miserable.
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Again, you are using him to define who you are and what you can accomplish in life. Saying that you can't do anything without him is so unbeleivable damaging to your own self confidence it's acutally no wonder you don't have any.
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You need to grow up and learn to stand on your own two feet, learn that you can take care of yourself and you define who you are. You can accomplish things on your own. You can have your own dreams and goals and you don't need a man to be able to do it.
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Finding friends and dates don't have to happen in clubs. You can find them anywhere, doing anything. Maybe there are other people out there into those same Art things you are. You just don't know because you've never gone out and tried to expand your horizons. He's a crutch to you and believe me he WILL get tired of it as he get's older.
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Um, sorry to be blunt, but in making his "propsal" he's basically asking and telling you that he WILL be cheating on you. Even if you say yes, it's STILL cheating. He's proving that he can cheat on you. He's just going about it differently in asking you first. In my opinion, I wouldn't want to be with someone who could even think about that. There are couples all over the world that experiment and get experience with EACHOTHER not from other people. There are way too many resources out there to aid in that.
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Do you really think he is being a good boyfriend and a good possible husband and father when he would rather sleep with other girls in order to "solve" (which it won't) your problems as a couple then working with YOU and using his imagination to do that.
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I don't really believe that you were just "overlooked". When people are trying too hard they show it. They may not realize that they are, but they are.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
You make a good point too, Orangecuse44; it makes good sense to figure that a guy who's using missing out on "sowing their oats" is most likely out the door anyway and using that as a reason to go. I would like to be sure you recognize that in my "general characterization of men getting divorced" I was only focusing on those men who were reported to have specifically used that as a reason. If it sounded as though I was saying this is *the* reason *all* men get divorced or even *most* men, that's not at all what I intended, nor is it what I think. I know better than that. I will say that I do make some generalizations from time to time, but I try to be careful and add that generalizations do not include every member of either sex. Of course, being individuals, while there may be "typical" there will also be plenty of "not typical".
I also agree that her last post is very troubling and taking a break to address the issues would indeed be a very wise decision. Making a choice because it's "easier than finding someone else" is a serious error that will almost certainly have her ending up with serious regret. And then there's the age portion. While many of us know someone who married young and remains happy, statistics show the divorce rate for those who marry young (or make partner choices early) are extremely high. Some will beat the odds, but most will not. I suggest waiting it out; even if you're *sure* of your partner choice at a young age, waiting to make the commitment until you're reached the end of your growing (brains continue to develop until the age of 25 for women, up to 30 for men) will help ensure that the guy or gal who was *perfect* at 23 is still a good choice at 26.
You're a great addition to the board, Orangecuse44, I hope you stick around.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Kamaoktee, Dirextor and Defleppardgal have given you some very good thoughts and advice.
I have to tell you that what you've said is alarming and disturbing. To be settling for what's in front of you because it's easier than finding out what else might be out there? To consider that it's "good enough" speaks to a life of dismal existence. It may sound dramatic, but I am not kidding or being melodramatic. Good enough is never good enough, not in partners. It says you've set a bar, a standard (whether you've consciously done it or not) then agreed to accept less than your lowest acceptable standard. You're bound to be disappointed. You've also not had any other experiences to judge that this is right, wrong, bad, etc. Clearly, it's not "incredibly good"; what you don't know is how far down from "incredibly good" it is. How can you? Based on what experience?
The bottom line is you're settling out of fear. Fear of having to put yourself in a position to be in a new relationship, to date someone new. That's a poor excuse. It hampers your life, it so limits what you can do and be. It might surprise you to find that many, many people consider themselves shy and yet they don't accept what's "good enough". Are you saying the only people you know are your family and your boyfriend? I'm betting the answer is "no", and if it's "no", then you've already proven you do know people and you can meet people. When you shop for things for your home, do you just buy the first one of whatever you're looking for without shopping around? Say you're looking for a new TV. Do you walk in, point to the first one you see, buy it and walk out or do you look around, check out differences in picture quality, sound, looks, price, features on many TVs? You check around a bit, you kind of want to know you're making a good choice, don't you? After all, that first one might look good, but how do you know how it will compare to others right? What looks good on the first one might end up being your last choice once you've had a chance to compare some models, right? So you'd do that with appliances and furnishings, but not with your life partner??? Think about that.
Defleppard's right - this is about self esteem, self worth and seeing yourself as an extension of him. Everything you've said is about him, what he says, what he feels, what he wants and what you're willing to accept, consider and live with in order to be his extension. You've also said you're afraid to suggest he see others because you're afraid he'll find someone he likes more than you. In that statement, what you're saying is that you're willing to be with a man who probably doesn't care about you as much as he should (there are others he'd like better if he had the chance) in order to stay with him. That also means you'd rather he not be as happy and satisfied with life as he could be by staying with you than to be with what would really make him happy. That's not love. Love wants the object of your love to have the love of their life, even if that's not you.
Defleppardgal's right too, if a guy I was with suggested adding a third, I'd drop him in an instant. No way would I accept someone who would consider that kind of arrangement. Knowing that he actually made contact with someone about this says it's serious. What he's suggesting is not appropriate, is not healthy and will not help your relationship. It will, however, do damage to you and to your relationship. And Defleppard's right too, it's still cheating, whether he asks permission or not, he'd still be betraying your relationship by having a interactions with another in a manner that should be reserved only for you and your relationship. He just wants you to tell him it's okay to play around; and the fact that he wants to play around should be cause to consider the validity of your relationship. If he wants to be with someone else for any reason, he's clearly not that into you. If he says he wants to check things out but doesn't want to end the relationship he's saying he wants you to sit tight so he has a safety; in case he doesn't find anything better, he'll not have lost anything. What a selfish, chicken @#$# thing to do. If he wants to go play, then he ends it and goes to play, period. No safety. He can be a man and handle this as an adult. If you want to check out your options, you end what you have first. Ranting, getting angry. Sorry.
Take some time away, push yourself to meet people (you met him, didn't you?) See a therapist to work on your self esteem and self worth issues. Even if he does end up being the right guy for you, you've got a lot of work to do on yourself in order to be a healthy, whole person in your own right. What you're suggesting, what you're living is not acceptable, is not healthy. You're in your early 20's, you've got a long life ahead of you. Take action now so that you will have a happy, fulfilled, satisfied life. If you cling to him and stick with what you imagine is "good enough" you'll be miserable in he years to come. That I guarantee.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for all your advice everyone. Lots to take in and I will digest it all thoroughly and question him. Have had quite a few little chats about it and I've read out to him what has been written on here.
I've seriously questions our relationship and will think it all through some more.
Bit worried about the fact that I seem to have made him out to be quite the opposite to how he is in reality but then its difficult when all you have to go on is a brief desciption.
Not going to do anything drastic at present but he understands all my concerns and we will see how things go.
And I am not going to 'start performing wonderfully in bed' just in an effort to keep him. I'm worth more than that and he knows that. I demand respect.
I want to take another tack, and address your professional aspirations. You say:
" . . . we are both aiming for a career in a certain area of art and have the same ambitons and dreams. We want to work together and form a company/studio etc. I could never find anyone with all those thingss and I'd lose my desire to struggle to find a job in that field."
It is very common for people in the arts to have intense professional relationships with one person or group as well as fulfilling personal relationships with other people. Your artistic view of life is not necessarily the same as your view of what a love relationship should be, and you are not less of an artist because you don't meld the separate halves of your life. Sometimes it's good to have a place to go outside the professional relationship, to recharge and gain fresh inspiration.
Furthermore, if all it takes to cause you to lose your desire to struggle to achieve your vision in the arts is the loss of your preferred partner, maybe you would rather do something else. An artist's vision is intensely personal, and very demanding; you don't choose your art, it chooses you. Your whole artistic life will be a struggle to shape and convey your ideas, and if you falter, there are others behind you, waiting to take your place. You need to be stronger than you sound.
You also say of your current partner, "He'd find it very difficult to meet girls interested in talking endlessly about things like dinosaurs etc." Not so. There are always women around who are eager to discuss things of interest to the men they in whom they are interested, no matter how peculiar they may find those subjects to be. Besides, at the moment he is not thinking about discussing anything with the women he meets.
Kamoktee, I hope you will take the advice of the other posters, and work to develop your self confidence and your joy in yourself and your art. Please keep posting so we'll klnow how you're doing.
Thanks some good points. Lots to take in. I do agree I need more confidence (in many respects, personally and talent/career wise). Its something I am working on by reading self help books (for confidence).
As for my bf.. he is a great guy and really is special (to me). I could list all the reasons why but I won't. What he did was silly and a stupid thing to do but no ones perfect. We all make mistakes and learn from them. So I'm going to work things out and if he really isn't suitable for me then I'm not going to sit back and let him walk all over me. He really isn't the bad guy he's being made out to be.
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