Do I stay or do I follow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Do I stay or do I follow?
10
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:44am

Hey everyone, this is a long one but I really don’t know what to do, could do with some help… here it goes… I’m 17 years old seeing a really great 28 year old guy. We’ve been together nearly 2 years and I’m totally in love with him. He is what any girl would want to be with, the sort of guy you would love to take home to meet the parents and the sort of man your mum wants you to marry. I know I’m only 17 but this guy is something else, I don’t feel like I’m talking to someone my brothers age I feel as though I’m talking to my equal. I know people don’t and won’t accept us being together because our age difference, but I have found what so many people spend their whole lives looking for, I’ve found my soul mate... I had to get that out of the way because I know that some people would think we shouldn’t be together because of our age difference but I believe we belong together. (I could chat all day about how I feel about him and what we’ve been through in the last two years but I need to get down to my situation) So anyway, here is my problem..

My man is leaving where I live and moving 200 miles away. It’s not because he wants to (I can’t tell the whole story because it’s so long and complicated) but its mostly to do with is dad trying to get money off him through his house (his dad lived with him to help him out with money but now has a girlfriend and he has stopped paying the mortgage so my man has to sell because he can’t afford to pay his dad’s half as well as his own. His dad is running out of money with his new girlfriend, so he wants half the money from the sale of the house which he is going to get) Basically he is ripping off his own son so he can shower his new girlfriend with stuff… See long story. So my boyfriend is leaving because he can’t find a house where we/I live, so he’s going to stay at his mums (200miles away) to save some money and look for a house there as they are cheaper. He has asked me to go with him and I really do not know what to do. My whole family live in the same area as me, we’re not close but I can’t imagine what it would be like to leave my town as I’ve lived here all my life. I don’t see them very often as I’m practically living with my boyfriend now.. I’ve got my second year of college starting in September (which I will be turning 18), I’m still learning to drive and my mates are here. We wouldn’t see each other at all because he is in a pretty much a 24 hour a day job and I’m at college and working weekends. It’s going to be impossible to see each other. I can’t afford to buy a car and the train fares, even with a student rail card are going to be horrendous that I also can’t afford. I want to go but I kind of don’t at the same time. There is more of me wanting to go but there is also a tiny part of me that is thinking you shouldn’t but then I think of how I will never see him and it hurts. Since I found out he is leaving I’ve done nothing but cry, I love him. I really need some advice, any. Please any advice would really be greatly appreciated.

Many Thanks

J

P.S, I’ve been writing this in word and tweaking it every so often over the last few days. Something has happened just make things even more difficult, I think I may be pregnant. It’s too early to say but I will be going to the doctors in the next few days to find out… I’ve never been so confused in all my life :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 6:01pm

Jayd, I can't get my head past the fact that this started with a 26yo guy dating you as a 15yo. This isn't just about people accepting your age difference, it's about legalities.

Assuming you live in a Western country, having an (I assume sexual) relationship with him at the age of 15 is called Carnal Knowledge and is illegal.... not to mention icky on his part.

And from what I understand, many US states have the age of consent at 18 - so it's quite possible that what you're doing is still illegal.

If you have his baby, there is every chance he will be arrested. (If I was your mom, I'd be going to the police) Quite frankly, I'd be advising you to have a termination, finish your education and go find a boy your own age.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 6:12pm

>>I’m still learning to drive and my mates are here<<

I assumed she was Australian. I don't know anyone in the US who uses mates to refer to friends.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 6:39pm

I didn't catch the reference to "mates" ;-)

However, she refers to 'miles' (we say kilometres) and her college year starts in September. (We call it university and our education year starts in January).

Anyway, hoping that someone else will jump in with advice....I'm extremely uncomfortable with this thread. I don't want to ignore the OPs predicament, but I can't get my head past the legal and moral issues. 17 and 28 is bad enough.....but 15 and 26 is quite simply immoral.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:44pm

jayd_2000,


I'm sorry but I have to agree with aisha on this one.

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:58am

I know you hate to hear this, but your boyfriend being in a relationship with you is ILLEGAL. The reason is that despite how sure you feel, you are not mature enough to make the decision to be in a relationship with an adult. Your boyfriend, however, is an adult, knows the law, and knows what he's doing is not legally or morally right. I know that's strong, but a healthy adult man has no business being with a teenager, a healthy adult man wouldn't want to be with a teenager.


I know that you feel absolutely certain that this man is your soulmate, but that's not something you can know right now. Here's the deal:


The person who's right for you at the age of 17 is almost never the person who's right for you when you've matured. That's not a slam and I'm not saying you're an immature child. What I am saying is that as intelligent and mature as you can be at 17, you cannot have had the life experiences and chance to observe that shape and mature you into the adult you will become. It's simply not possible, you haven't been alive long enough! You know how so very many people who are divorced cite "getting married too young" as the reason? You know the reason that the divorce rate for teen marriages is astronomical? The person who was right for them at that stage of their lives was absolutely not right for them at maturity. Your boyfriend is certainly through with the majority of changes that he has to go through; he is who he's going to be, you can pretty much count on that, but you haven't begun. You may well be *certain* that he is who you'll want in ten years (every 17 year old is certain they're sure of who they are and what they want), but you can't possibly know that. In ten years you'll look back at who you were at 17 and shake your head with amazement at how much you've changed. We all do.



There are some pretty significant dangers for teenagers who are seeing adults:


Often older men go for young women because they can control them easily. It turns into a relationship where the man calls all the shots, and in time the women finds herself stuck in a relationship with a man who tells her what she can and cannot do.


Many adult men who are attracted to teenagers are pedophiles. You're saying he can't be, you know better, but really, you have no life experience to base your judgment on, you don't know better. How do you think so many girls run off with pedophiles who they hook up with on Myspace and elsewhere? If your guy has a thing for teens, you'll soon be out of his attraction preference and he'll move on to another teen.


Emotionally healthy 28-year old men are mature enough that they aren't intellectually stimulated enough by a 17-year old to maintain an intellectual relationship. If a 28-year old IS intellectually happy with a 17-year old, it means that when the 17-year old matures SHE won't be satisfied with the intellectual level of the man she's with, in other words, she'll outgrow him.


Questions for you; what do his parents think? What do your parents think? How are his friends around you? How often do you hang with his friends?


What do your parents think? Do they know? If you generally respect their opinions, talk to them about this. They're able to see this much more clearly than you can -- they'll be able to see the immaturity in you that you can't see and they'll see your boyfriend's maturity level more clearly than you do too. If that say this is bad news you need to pay close attention to what they say.


I would suggest you take his moving as a blessing, and spend your time with people your own age. I know you have feelings for him, and I know it won't be easy, but it will be the best thing you can do for yourself, for your life. Your relationship has disaster written all over it. It's illegal, immoral and dangerous for you. You think differently now, but in a few years you'll look back and be horrified at how close you came to disaster. I hope you find you're not pregnant, and if you are, I agree with Aisha, terminating the pregnancy is what I would do.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 5:20am

Hey everyone,

Thanx for your replys. Just to clear a few things up. I live in the UK, we met when I was 16 and he was 25 and I found out a few hours after posting my message I'm not pregnant. I don't believe that my realationship is wrong, maybe that is because I'm young... I was round his last night and he kept going on about how I should just go with him. He said 'What if you're the one?'... His mum wants me to go with him I know I want to but I still can't decide. I live with my dad as my parents aren't together. I know I should talk to him but I'm affriad to, another aspect of my young age. I feel as though if i did go it would be a chance to go out and experience life and grow more as a person. I don't know how I can handle it him not being here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:48am

And what's wrong with waiting to follow him til you are SURE it's what you want to do? Instead of trying to force yourself to feel good about it NOW. Just WAIT. If he's your soulmate, he will still be after this next year of school. And trust me, 2 semesters of school FLIES by....

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 5:14pm

jayd_2000,


I'm sorry but I'm just not buying the fact that you haven't talked to your parents about your boyfriend because you are "afraid because you are young".

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:51pm

Well Sweetie, I've got to tell you, in your situation, a grown woman would hear him say, "What if you're the one?" and think to herself, "what if I'm not and I've wasted my time and my life following you around?" What's important here is you, not that he thinks you *might* be the one. Let's take a more realistic look. He's been with you for two years, if he doesn't know by know whether you're "the one", then anyone can answer that -- you're not. Maybe he's hanging on to see how you turn out when you're grown up, maybe he thinks you might be *the one* when you're grown? If that's the case, he's pretty slimy, and again, what if after you're all grown up you're not? And I'll say it one more time, an 28-year old adult man who considers a 17-year old to be who's right for him says there's something seriously wrong with him, either maturity wise or character wise (control, daddy-freak, pedophile). If he's right for you at 17, I guarantee you he won't be close to right for you when you're grown up. Defleppard's right, it's the equivalent of a nine-year old being *the one* for you. If that just sound incredibly wrong it's because it is.


Believe it or not, going with him would not afford you more opportunity to experience live and grow more as a person, but the exact opposite is true. Following him would mean any growing and expanding for you would stop. Staying where you are, living your own life, experiencing your own experiences -- the experiences that are age appropriate for 17-year olds to have will help you expand and grow. Jumping past those experiences to be with someone who's already had the chance to experience them for himself won't make you a bigger person, but a smaller one.


Do I understand your parents don't know about your relationship with this guy?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:41pm

Jayd,

I feel I'm the last person that can give advice right now, but I wanted to tell you that many times I have wished I was 17 knowing what I know now.
You are lucky to be 17 and intelligent enough to ask for advice.
Don't rush into something you're not sure. You have a long life ahead of you, so many things you need to experience before commiting to someone.
And please listen to your parents... although parents don't say what we want to hear, usually they say what we need to hear... and I bet >they< truly love you.
Wish you all the best.